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Ice replaces all the heat in my body, except my cheeks—they’re burning with embarrassment.
“Oh, I…” I feel anything but okay right now as Liam moves off me, replacing his heat with a chill. I shuffle upwards and tuck my legs into my t-shirt stretching it out, dipping my head to my knees as I hug them.
He runs his hands through his hair and adjusts himself. “I want to, Jess, but I don’t think it’s the right time.”
I squeeze my eyes closed, wishing I hadn’t just been so desperate. I clear my throat, “Yeah… right.” I nod robotically, staring at the crumpled sheets on my bed.
“Fuck,” Liam whispers next to me as he slumps backwards onto the bed. “I don’t want our first time to be something we regret… I want you so badly, Jess, but you’re hurting, and I can’t act on impulse. It doesn’t feel right.”
“Okay,” I answer.
“Look at me… please, Scotty.”
I wish my eyes would stop watering on command, but I can’t seem to stop it. My gaze snaps to his as frustration pulses in my neck.
“I’m sorry, I love you,” he says quietly and I believe him. I know he’s sorry.
My mouth twists. “It’s fine.” I brush it off, metaphorically waving my hand in the air.
For whatever reason, I can’t tell him I love him right now. It’s cruel, but not only am I heart-hurt, now my pride has taken a hit too. And then the stupid thoughts of him wanting other girls, namely this Alex I keep hearing about, infiltrate my mind, poisoning it. It’s barely rational, but I can’t help it. So, if I utter those three little words it feels like I might give him the last shred of dignity I have left, and I just can’t do that.
“I’m going for a walk.” I stand quickly, grabbing my hoodie from the chair in my room and walk out without looking back, eyes filled with tears yet again. I ignore Cam in the kitchen and sneak out the back doors, straight to the beach. It isn’t until my feet hit the sand that I realise I haven’t got any shoes on.
The sand is cool as it moulds around my toes. I look down at my feet as a tear falls from my eyes.For fuck’s sake, I’m done crying.I wipe my face with my hoodie sleeve again and walk further towards the ocean.
When I reach the water’s edge, I stare intently at the waves, marvelling at the way they list into an arch, floating perfectly before they crash into the sand and disappear. The repetition has me in a trance that is only broken by the feeling of someone behind me. I know it’s Liam before I turn around.
He stands next to me without saying a word. My mind races with an apology that lingers on the tip of my tongue. My eyes blur from the unsaid words, ones I know I need to get out.
"Jess, what are you thinking?" he asks quietly.
“I-I… I don’t… I don’t know what I think actually,” I admit, kicking the sand beneath me, barely making a dent in the damp, solid mass, needing to focus on anything but Liam’s face right now. “Everything feels so messed up. Summer was so different. I had moments where I didn’t think about the shit with my mum. Maybe that was selfish… that I blocked it out, but it’s how I coped and now it’s all out in the open and it’s not fine anymore… and I don’t feel like the same girl I was in the summer.” I sigh heavily, looking out at the ocean. “All I want to do is feel like my problems were smaller again.”
Liam doesn’t respond straight away; He just stands next to me, listening. When he’s sure I’m finished, he turns to face me, hoping I’ll do the same, but all I can manage is a glance over to him. A glance that lets me see the pity in his eyes, pity I don’t want to see right now.
“I’m sorry,” he says, regret lacing his tone.
I sit down with a huff. “Everyone is sorry, like that’s a magic word that is going to fix everything. It fucking isn’t.” I dig my hand into the wet sand and watch as the water creeps forwards until the waves hit my toes, encasing them with a chill that is bone deep. I let the sand fall between my fingers, mindlessly watching as is slops back into the sand, disappearing into water.
“Jess, everyone cares about you…” Liam walks towards me sitting next to me, placing his hand on my lower back and I flinch, not sure if I want to be touched right now. He drops his hand with a sigh and tucks it into his hoodie pocket.
I laugh incredulously, “I know, everyone caressomuch, except the one fucking person who should care the most. She doesn’t give a shit about me.”
Logically, I know it isn’t his fault and I’m not mad at him, but right now Ifeelmad at him because he’s here and, like he said, he cares and maybe my pride hasn’t fully recovered from his rejection yet. I should walk away before I say something else. Unfortunately, logic isn’t something I can fathom right now. It’s mostly overshadowed by my rage.
“You know, you should probably go home.”
It’s low. I know it is. I’m hurting and I don’t want to be the only one, so of course I hurt someone I love. Misery loves company, after all.
His head whips around to face me, his mouth open in shock.
“You want me to go right now?” he asks in disbelief.
“I think it’s best. I need some time to breathe and figure out… all this shit,” I snap.
I know Liam is staring at me. I can feel his eyes burning into the side of my face, but I still can’t bring myself to look at him. His puppy dog eyes will, without a doubt, make me change my mind and I’ll be begging him to stay.
Liam stands abruptly and paces in a circle, placing his hands behind his neck and looking up to the sky. “I’m going back to the house. I’m not fucking leaving you, Jess, but I’ll give you some time.”
