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My pulse rockets. I don’t want him to be nice to me. I don’t want him to care about me right now.. I don’t fucking want it at all.
The pain from my mum, his rejection from this morning; it’s all too much. I just need it to stop for a second so I can breathe again. I fist my hands in my hair, tugging at the strands until it hurts.
“I don’t fucking want you here.” As soon as the words come out, I regret them. I inhale rapidly, wanting to retract the words, but it’s too late. The impact of them spreads through me like poison.
I’m retreating from the pain, the pain that is ripping me apart. Ripping us apart.
Liam crouches next to me, while I hide my face because my chin is starting to wobble, and I refuse to cry again.
“I know you don’t mean that, but just so you know, that hurt. If the roles were reversed, Jess, I’d need you more than my next breath, but that’s just me. Maybe I care too fucking much.”
He stands and walks away, and I immediately want to run to him. But I stop myself. I’ve hurt him and we both need some space.
I realise that all I’m doing is wallowing in my own self-pity and rage. Nothing good can come of this, yet I can’t seem to stop. I’m swirling in circles, drowning in shallow water, unable to find my anchor because I’m actively pushing him away.
“Get it together, Jess. Fuck.”
I chastise myself for being such a bitch.
It’s hours before I manage to retreat back to the house.
I don’t apologise to Liam, even though I know I should.
I think about the letter my therapist told me to write and how I never actually managed to give it to him, I guess it doesn’t matter now. It’s all irrelevant.
I don’t tell him I love him.
I just can’t, when I feel like I don’t deserve to hear it back from him.
When I open the door to my room, Liam is propped up, asleep on my bed. He’s discarded his jeans in favour of joggers and a hoodie that’s pulled up over his head, his arms firmly crossed over his body. He looks peaceful; I watch him as his lips part and a steady low snore comes from his mouth.
I don’t want to wake him, and I’m too exhausted to talk about anything, so I pick up my fleece blanket and snuggle into the armchair.
Alone.
10
Liam
It’sbeenthreedayssince Jess asked me to leave. I ignored her demand because I know she needs me, but she just can’t admit it. Things have been quiet; weird and borderline unbearable. She’s stopped crying as much, but I can’t help but notice how she flinches every time I try and get close to her. She’s trying to protect herself from getting hurt again, but what she can’t accept is that I could never hurt her. It guts me, the fact she thinks Imighthurt her. My heart beats for her. When she hurts, I do too. The ache of us disconnecting like this makes me fear that I might lose her.
“Morning.” Cam wanders into the kitchen. I’ve been here since Jess woke up at 4 am this morning, watching her from the kitchen window as she sits on the beach, unmoving.
“Morning,” I reply.
Cam watches me, following my gaze out the window and lets out a heavy sigh. “You know, she’s going to be okay. It’s going to take time, but she’s strong.”
I nod. “I know.”
“I called her therapist yesterday. She has an appointment at 11 am for Jess.”
I nod again, not really knowing what to say. I’m not naïve enough to ignore that Jess needs more support than I can give her, so I’m glad she has Cam and Harriet looking out for her and not just her seventeen year old boyfriend. Although she would hate that I’ve just said that to myself, Jess doesn’t need anyone to save her. I know that. But it doesn’t stop me worrying about her.
I sigh deeply. “I have to go home tonight,” I tell Cam. School starts up again tomorrow and as much as I want to be here, my dad told me I have to come home.Tellingmight be an understatement. The phone call we had last night was him barking orders at me, informing me that if I don’t come home, I’ll be ruining my own future.
Staying and helping my girlfriend is the opposite of ruining my future. In fact, she’s all I can see in my future, so going home is the opposite of what I want to be doing.
“I’ve got her. You don’t need to worry.”
