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I nod again, trying not to let the worry seep into my face. I’m going to worry; I love her.
I thank Cam, wash up my plate from breakfast and head upstairs to pack the last of my things, ready for later.
As I’m zipping my backpack, Jess walks into her room, eyes red and wide as she focuses on the bag in my hands, looking at it like it’s offensive.
“You’re… you’re leaving.”
“Not until tonight.”
She pales, her eyes darting around the room. I move in closer, but she backs away towards her closed door, her heels knocking against the wood behind her.
“Stop running from me, Jess,” I say, a little too harshly. “Fuck,” I whisper as I turn, hanging my head.
She doesn’t say anything as she walks into her bathroom and turns the shower on. The thrumming sound of the water does nothing to stifle the sound of her crying. My entire being feels like it’s being held a hundred feet above a building, suspended, ready to drop when I hear her cry. I want to punch something, scream, rage and swallow down all her pain because she doesn’t fucking deserve any of this.
When Jess comes out of the bathroom, her eyes narrow on my phone as it flips in my hands. Her hair is damp, her small frame drowning in the hoodie she wore before her shower. She looks so fucking sad it hollows my chest.
“Jess, I’m sorry.”
Her lips form into a thin line, as she hisses through her teeth, “Stop fucking telling me you’re sorry. I don’t need you to be sorry. I don’t need to hear that you’re sorry anymore. I don’t fucking need you.”
Her nostrils flare as she stares at me. I place my phone down on her bedside cabinet and stand so I’m closer to her.
“Stop lying to yourself, Jess. You’re just pushing me away. You won’t talk to me, you won’t open up. You won’t even let me fucking hug you after the other day, and I don’t know what to do here.”
She glares at me. “Nothing, you don’t need todoanything. I’ll… be fine. I don’t need saving.”
“I’m not trying to save… fuck, I don’t mean to make you feel that way. You mean so much to me that it’s killing me to see you so sad.” I say, twirling on my heels, needing to move my body with all the frustration buzzing through me.
She clamps her jaw together as her brows raise and her eyes water before she steels her expression again. “You can’t save me, you can’t fix me, so stop trying. You don’t need me to be the sad girlfriend. You’ve got plenty of options back in London. So I’m not sure what the point of all this is anymore.”
I squint my eyes at her, praying that she isn’t trying to say what I think she’s saying.
“What does that mean?” My body stiffens, the organ in my chest thrashing in retaliation of what she’s implying.
“It means, when you leave here…” She pauses as her head lifts to meet my stare, her eyes cold. “I want you to forget about me. Shack up with Alex for all I care.”
It would’ve hurt less if she had stabbed me in the heart with a rusty blade. My breath lodges in my throat, suffocating me as the realisation sits heavy.She doesn’t want me.I raise my hand to my chest to stop the ache that’s forming there as I stumble back to the bed, collapsing when the backs of my legs touch the mattress. She wants me to forget about her. The girl I’ve been in love with since we were ten years old. My best friend . She wants me to forget her.
My eyes fill as I struggle to speak. “You’re not thinking straight. I’m not leaving you, Jess.”
She scoffs, disbelief marring her face. “I’mnot thinking straight? Great, so now you think I’m crazy. Even more reason for you to find someone else.”
My jaw ticks at her words; anger settling in with my disbelief. “I never said you were crazy. I said you were sad. There’s a difference. Why are you pushing me away?” I ask, sounding almost desperate, needing to understand how she could be doing this to me, to us. My hands fist at my sides, pushing into the mattress, my breathing becoming uneven and heavy as I stare at her ocean blue eyes. Despite her words right now, she’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and the thought of losing her kills me. I’d rather walk through fire every day for the rest of my life than live without her.
She walks her petite frame to her window, staring at the ocean again. “I don’t…” She trails off, not finishing her sentence. I’m about to ask her what she was going to say when she spins to face me. “You’re better off without me, and I need time to think. I need space. I need to fucking breathe again and you… you’re suffocating me with your puppy eyes and the constantI’m sorry… I can’t do it Liam.”
The air depletes from the room again, leaving me gasping.
She thinks I’m suffocating her?
I search her face; I need her to show me she’s lying, pushing me away because it’s too painful to hang on. A tick, a flinch, anything and I’ll know she doesn’t mean it, but her face is flat. She barely looks like my Jess right now. And still, all I want to do is scoop her up and tell her that I’m not fucking leaving her.
“Jess, I…”
Her hand flies up in front of her, silently asking me to stop.
“No. I don’t want this anymore. I need to figure this out alone,” she says, her eyes cold and steeled.
