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“I’m not… Well, I am a little,” I admit, wanting to be honest with her. But I don’t want to be. Something has shifted between us after Paris. Now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to lose him because no matter what, I fucking love him with every fibre of my being.
36
Liam
IwakefeelinglikeI’ve been hit by a truck; little to no sleep will do that to a bloke. My eyes are heavy, and I want to punch my past self for not closing my blinds last night. The morning sunshine is far too bright for my mood.
I texted Jess last night and I saw the bubbles appear like she wanted to reply, but she never did. Nora texted me to say she went to bed early, but without much else to go on, I’ve spent most of the night assuming that she’s going to leave me, or that she’s going to run again. History repeating itself and the catalyst for all this is Claire again.
Jesus, I don’t want to lose Jess.
Dragging myself out of bed and into the shower is purely fuelled by the fact that I’m going to see her today. One day, less than twenty-four hours, is probably not enough time for her to deal with everything, but today is the picnic event for her charity and I’m not letting her down any more than I have.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror; the black bags under my eyes have black bags and my skin looks dehydrated, sallow and grey from lack of sleep. My body is cursing me for only letting it drink whiskey for dinner last night, but when you feel like you’ve potentially fucked up the one thing that mattered most to you in the world, it’s going to mess with your appetite.
I quickly text Grayson to come and meet me at my flat in half an hour, and like the best mate he is, he arrives promptly and with coffee.
“I figured you’d need this today,” he says, passing me the cup.
“Thanks man,” I reply and grab it. “You’re the best.”
Unfortunately, a lot of people at the office saw and heard the commotion yesterday. Grayson included. He was the one who took the second bottle of whiskey away from me last night before he headed home.
We head out across town and say a grand total of zero words to each other.
When we arrive, Nora greets me at the edge of the tree lined park where the picnic is taking place.
“Morning, Nora.” I hug her and turn to Grayson. “You remember Grayson?”
Nora smiles. “Yeah, I do. Hi, Grayson. You’re over with the football net, please. Goalie gloves are on the floor. And Liam,” she says, pointing to a table across the field. “You’re on drinks.”
Despite Nora’s clear instruction, Grayson makes no attempt to move. Instead, he stands and takes Nora in, staring at her curiously. “You’re not so grumpy this morning,” he says.
Nora laughs. “Give me time, sir. Give me time.”
“Sir,” he says, folding his arms and smirking like the cocky bastard he is. “I like that.”
Nora is blushing, actually charmed, and I can tell Grayson notices.
Well, this is an ego boost he really doesn’t need.
“Right well, Grayson, behave,” I say, leaning into him. “Like, seriously. As though your life depends on it, mate.”
“Pric—”
“And Nora,” I continue, cutting Grayson off before he can say any more, “I’ll see you later.”
Before I witness anymore of Grayson being Grayson, I make my way over to the drinks table, telling myself that I don’t think I want to know what the fuck that was.
Multi coloured balloons line each table, blowing in the light breeze like giant lollipops. We’re surrounded by several tall trees that are decorated with homemade banners and rainbow ribbons. The park is busy. Maybe forty people fill our secluded space with families and children. Laughter buzzes around me as I scope out which table I’ve been assigned to. Then I see her.Jess.
She doesn’t look my way, but I can see her profile. Her shoulders are slouched, her hair is pulled back from her face when she usually wears it down and natural. Her usual aura that vibrates through her isn’t there today and fuck, if I didn’t feel bad before, I sure as hell do now.
Rubbing my hand over my face, feeling the scruff of my beard under my palm, I shuffle over to the drinks table that has a homemade giant rainbow sign that says, ‘Drinks on me’. I smile at the sign that I’m guessing might’ve been made by one of the kids here judging by the backwards ‘e’.
I settle behind the table, checking over what there is to offer, and when I look up, I notice that this table gives me a direct view of Jess, which just about kills me.
She glances over to me and at first she looks surprised, but I swear I see the side of her mouth tip up in a tiny smile making my battered heart perk up in my chest. I want to wave, but that feels anticlimactic. I want to scoop her up into my arms, but that feels over the top. Instead I smile … and wave. Awkwardly.Good one, loser.
