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“I’m not lonely,” I reassure her. “I don’t have time to be. Besides, bringing someone into my life right now would only complicate things. Not everyone understands that work comes first.” Which I think is half my problem; I’m serious about work and needing to achieve the goals I’ve set myself, but that also means I’m not as fun-loving as I could be. It’s a catch-22 but one that I’m determined my list will solve.
Jess’ shoulders slump as her eyes stay locked on mine. “Just promise me you won’t put your life on hold for work. You still need to take time for you, Nor.” She softens her stare.I know, I’m trying, I think to myself. “You know I love you, and I’m only looking out for you.”
“I know. I love you too. I’m just… trying to make it all work.. I mean, as well as my own clients, we also have the charity clients now too. And whilst that’s relatively quiet just now, I’m trying to figure out a balance. I promise I’m good. Just busy.”
“Okay, well, I’m here to talk whenever. You know that, right?” I nod, smiling up at my cousin-turned sister-but always my ride or die best friend. Jess glances at her watch, her eyes widening when she notices the time. “Liam and I will be back late tonight. I’ve got a winter wedding on today and because he is now my fiancé, I’ve roped him into helping me with the end of night tidy up.” She wiggles her engagement ring in front of her face as she smiles at it.
“Liam agreed to helping?”
“He doesn’t know he’s helping yet.”
“That sounds about right.” I laugh lightly. “I’m going to the gym later anyway, so I’ll be home late too.”
“Okay,” She smooths down her chinos. “Do I look okay?”
“You look awful, truly awful. You shouldn’t go out in public today,” I deadpan.
Jess mock laughs and sways her hips as she walks out of my room.
Once I’m alone again, I consider Jess’ comments. I haven’t lied to her. I’m really not lonely. I just want to find a balance between work and creating a life that I love and that was the point of this list. The expectation of having that fun-filled social life in your twenties is fading before it ever really got started. My twenty-seventh birthday is creeping up on me and making me feel like I’ve been adulting wrong all this time. Objectively, it isn’t that old; I know that, but no matter how much I tell myself that I am an independent woman who doesn’tneedto have all the things that the world of social media brags about—Husbands, wives, kids, golden retriever, big houses… there is a still a part of my brain that feels like I’m lacking.Sigh.
My Instagram feed is full of book boyfriends and videos of kids saying things like, “Just in case you need to hear it, you’re amazing.”Like they can actually read my mind because yeah, I did need to hear it, okay?
Truth is, I don’tneeda man’s attention; I don’tneedthe white picket fence and kids, but I’d like it. I’d like to think that one day I can bring someone to their knees. To be worshipped the same way Jess is by Liam. Lately, the only men who bring me to my knees are fictional and whilst my imagination is full of gorgeous, tall, muscled men with huge dicks, my reality is very far from that.
I am ready for a new balance in my life. I let the thought sit for a second. Finding undiscovered parts of myself feels exciting. The ‘new year new me’ vibe sounds cliché, but I don’t care, I need this.
Just write one thing down, Nora. You’re not writing a bloody novel.I think, my pen tapping against my lip. I write one thing which came to me earlier–have better sexand then I’m stumped again. I pull out my phone to Google a few bucket list things and I’m surprised to see that ‘sex pact’ isn’t on any of them. Oh well, I’m not removing it. I need to push myself to say yes to more things that are outside of my realm of control–which I seem to be far too comfortable living in. I want fun, adventure, love, excitement. I want tofeelmore because I don’t want to become a spinster or a robot.
I’m in a slump and I need to get out of it.
An hour passes and I give up and begin to get ready for work, pulling on my black pencil skirt and white blouse, tucking it into the waistband. Like a predictable ticking clock, I grab my trainers and shove my feet into them and pack my heels separately for the office. I walk towards the nearest tube station, get on the same tube… How do I know this? Because this train has a hole in the seat nearest the doors on carriage five, which is the one I always get on, and I stare at the same torn fabric every day. When four stops pass me by, I walk up the same escalators and head to the same coffee hut outside the station.
“Hey Nora, you here for the usual? You’re late today, missed the morning rush.” The coffee guy, called Matt, smiles at me and I smile robotically back at him, distracted by my sour mood.
“Less work is always good, right?” I say emptily because less work implies more play – which has not happened.
Matt makes my coffee with a shot of vanilla and I pay and wish him a good day, like always. Hamster meet wheel.
The office is quiet when I arrive and I’m grateful for that. Although my day is a blur of clients, note writing, and follow up phone calls. Even when I’m on my way home at 7pm, I’m still in a bit of a funk.
Deciding to forego the gym, I stop at my usual Thai takeaway, where they know me by name too. As I stand, waiting in line, I let out an annoyed sigh because I need to just get a grip. My new life isn’t just going to magically appear. I need to take action.
Marching back down the darkened street to mine and Jess’ townhouse, with my food in hand, I decide I’m going to eat and then I’m going to plan. Maybe I’ll eatandplan.Woah, Nora, don’t get too crazy.
I slip off my trainers and jacket as soon as I’m in the house and then plonk myself at the kitchen island. I eat my Massaman chicken curry and rice so fast that I end up feeling like I’ve got a bowling ball as a stomach. So I take my overfed self into the living room and relax onto the sofa with my pen and notebook.
Okay, you’ve got this Nora. It’s just a list. A list to make you have more fun. I read what I wrote earlier:
Have better sex – must be mind blowing.
Yes, I still agree with this – I’m feeling good, giddy even. Maybe that’s because I ate, but I don’t pay it much thought because I’ve got my first thing. Okay, let’s go for another. I think back to my Google search this morning, remembering a few things on other people’s lists.
Conquer one fear.
I hate lifts so maybe I’ll start there. Not crazy about spiders either, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be over that irrational fear.
Ride in a limo.
