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Liv’s expression doesn’t change too much; I wonder if she already figured I was thinking something like this.
“You’re not an asshole,” she tells me.
I look away from her and run my tongue along my teeth before I ask quietly, “Even if I’vechosennot to see her?” Inhaling deeply, I crack my knuckles. “Because that’s the thing, Liv: I don’t—I don’twantto go back.” I blow out the air in my lungs and shake my head. “I haven’t even called. If that doesn’t make me an asshole, I don’t know what does.”
She doesn’t say anything for long enough that it makes me feel uneasy.
Is she wishing she could take back the last thing she said?
I wouldn’t be surprised. Only a real jerk would act how I’m—
“Landon,” she finally murmurs, “when something traumatic happens to a person, they don’t get over it in a matter of days.”
My eyes fall shut, and relief glides through me just as a breeze is gliding over my face.
Oh, thank God, she isn’t disgusted by me.
My eyes reopen in time to see her pushing her hair out of her face.
“You’re allowed to feel fear or anger or whatever else,” she goes on, “because something upsetting happened to you. You aren’t out of line.” She pauses for several more moments, looking contemplative. “I wonder, though, if your guilt means something—means you should bite the bullet and call or go see her even if you aren’t feeling up to it. We haven’t talked a whole lot about your upbringing, but your relationship with her is important to you, isn’t it? It’s always seemed to me like it is.”
Just like that, I’m overwhelmed by my deep fondness for Lolly, by how motherly she’s always been.
“Very.” I clear my throat. “Very important.”
Sympathy touches Liv’s features. “Well, then…I don’t know. Maybe—maybe ask yourself if your bond is bigger than even this really painful situation. Ask yourself if you’re going to look back later and be satisfied with doing what you’re doing now. If you think you’ll regret any part of it—and you’re already feeling bad, so that seems like regret to me—then it may be time to just do the hard thing and jump back in.”
For a second, I don’t do anything but look at her and think about how much I appreciate that—how much I appreciateher.Since the first time I mentioned Lolly to her, she’s been nothing but insightful and supportive.
I wish she had gotten in on my and Rae’s hug.
I also wish I could take them with me to see Lolly again, because Liv’s presence would do a lot to calm me down. But if I’m already nervous about howIwould fare, why would I drag them into it? It seems much riskier than before to ask them to come along.
“Have I helped or made it worse?” Liv asks, her lips forming a line of uncertainty.
“Oh,” I say quickly, realizing I’ve been quiet for longer than one second. “Oh, sorry. You’ve helped. You’ve helped a lot. I hadn’t thought of any of that on my own.”
“Yeah? You won’t hurt my feelings if you say I don’t get what you’re going through or whatever.” She shrugs. “Really, I don’t, huh?”
Actually, since our talk from the other night, I’ve begun to think she might know more about suffering than I do.
Momentarily, I recall how she tried to tell me about her past. There were a couple of times when she couldn’t get the words out, and what she did manage to say put a heavy feeling in my stomach; it stirs now as I think back on it. I try not to focus on it, though, because I don’t want to end up broaching that topic again when she might not be ready. Even if it doesn’t turn out to be as bad as I think, I don’t want to push it.
As I sit back on the bench, I tell her, “All I know is you always help, so thank you.”
Although she doesn’t outright smile at me, the uncertainty fades from her expression and something decidedly lighter replaces it. It’s a sweet look, like the smile is in her eyes rather than on—
I jump as she suddenly smacks the backs of her fingers across my shoulder. Then I look at her quizzically.
“Sorry—grasshopper,” she quickly explains, pointing at the ground.
I look and see the leggy fellow in the patch of dirt by our feet.
“Oh,” I say on a laugh. “Well, hey, thanks for that, too! They bite, don’t they?”
“I think so? You’re welcome.” She smiles now. “I did it out of habit. Rae doesn’t like anything that hops, so when something gets on her, I try to deal with it before she notices it’s there. Cuts down on her freaking out.”
“Ooh, smart thinking.”
