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Besides, she understood. This baby was hope for her, too.
As they passed the platter of roast goose around the table, she felt the hope ignite, along with the candles there and the Yule log, still burning, days after being lit, burning into the cold grayness of winter, hope and light and warmth.
Later, her mother welcomed them into her home and served them more roast goose and caramelized potatoes and red cabbage and lots of gravy. She said she was sorry for what she’d said at the Yule lunch. “I don’t think I should drink that much! I could hardly get out of bed the next day.” She shrugged at Gunnar. “Thanks for not writing us all off already.”
“Never,” said Gunnar.
Hiljd believed him.
Yule came and went and the days grew very short, and the nights very long. Gunnar went to check on the Yule log on his night on the schedule, making sure it wasn’t burning down the forest. It wasn’t. Then, the Yule log eventually burned out. It was nothing but ash and blackened bark, broken into bits and tossed off into the nearby woods.
But nothing extinguished their hope.
Somehow, once she’d decided, it was simply easy to trust Gunnar, as if she’d only been waiting, all this time, for permission to relax and stop taking care of everything on herown. Having Gunnar there to help her, it was what she’d always wanted and had been afraid to admit to herself. She’d thought shehadto go it alone. Finding out she didn’t have to, it was the sweetest and best feeling on earth, the perfect Christmas present.
Months passed.
Sometime in February, she and Gunnar ran into Valdemar and his nymph shopping for cribs. There was no justice in the world, because Hiljd looked as far along as the nymph was, and she was obviously practically ready to deliver.
She said this to Gunnar afterwards, and he said that she barely looked pregnant, but she knew that she was showing a lot, because she’d had numerous pregnancies, and her body justdidthat now, even if she was barely four months pregnant.
It would have hurt her before, she thought, knowing that Valdemar had his perfect happy ending with the nymph, but…
What had she said before?
Suffering was universal.
Privilege wasn’t anyone’s fault.
The nymph couldn’thelpbeing a nymph, right?
Why waste that energy on all of it, really? She didn’t want to think about anything except her own future.
She did move in with Gunnar in his farmhouse, and she did nest like she’d never nested in her life. The nursery, for instance? Owls. All adorable owls and woodland creatures. Gunnarmadethe furniture to her exact custom desires—the dresser and the crib and the changing table, with hishands. He cut the wood and nailed it together and it wasbeautiful.
She took down all her snowmen when spring came and then informed Gunnar the house was about to become covered in sunflowers.
“You do themes for the seasons, Hilly-babe?” That was his nickname for her, and he spoke to her in this fond voice, this awed voice, this happy voice.
“I haven’t before,” she said, “but this house…”
“Go nuts,” he told her.
And so. She did.
And then the baby was born, and all ideas of decoration were summarily abandoned. No, then it was simply a triumph to have a floor clear of baby toys and blankets and—how did someone so small need so manythings?
They named her Mabel Amica Bonde, and she was the bright center to their world.
Immediately, they had to change all their plans. None of the things they had thought about being new parents were true. For two people who were quite used to making and executing plans, being independent, and just getting things done, it was a bit of a rude awakening.
Oh,Hiljd thought,it’s just very hard, even when your infant is healthy.
The following Christmas brought a very lovely, half-decorated, baby-proofed farmhouse. They sat up late, wrapping presents in the glow of the Christmas lights, drinking meade out of coffee mugs, and she teased him about how he’d met the mother of his child at a sex party, and he said that he didn’t know what she was talking about, because aseveryoneknew, they’d met on one of those apps.
Then he handed her a tiny little box with a red ribbon on top and he said, “You’re not an idiot, so I’m sure you know what this is, and also I had a speech prepared, but I’m weirdly nervous now, so…?”
She tugged off the ribbon and opened it up and there were their matching pair of earrings, orc mating earrings. She ran her fingers over them, speechless.
