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She said after seeing Beau’s cancer struggle, she connected with a lot of staff, not just the nursing and medical personnel. It drove her to seek this career even more. She’s living in upstate New York and tries to come into the city as frequently as she can. However, it has been a few months due to how demanding her schedule has been recently. This explains why I hadn’t seen her visit when I was coming into town since I reconnected with Becca in September.
Once Liv heads upstairs, Becca takes a moment to sit down on the couch and unravel everything that came to the surface today. I can see her exhale, and that gesture seems to hold so much more meaning than it had before. I wonder if, like me, she feels as if she’s able to let go of more than a breath. As if her body had held on to a type of anger that was embedded deep in her muscles. I know that, although I didn’t know I had a daughter, I lived so many years feeling like each step of my adult life was missing something.
When Becca was back in my life, I thought that was what my life was missing. But it’s actually all of this. The feeling that I was back with the other piece of my heart, but that piece was greater than the piece I had left with Becca that day of graduation. It feels as if, cosmically, my body knew more of myself was with Becca than I had ever imagined. And now I feel complete seeing these two women in my life.
It feels like today has been equivalent to twenty. I’m emotionally exhausted yet wired with the thought that I have a child, an adult daughter, who I only found out about a few hours ago. When I take a seat on the couch, Becca leans her head back to rest it on my shoulder, and I can sense she has so much going through her mind.
“Shane, who would do this to you?Whywould someone do this to you?”
Her questions are the same ones that have been running through my mind today. Unfortunately, all roads lead to one person; the only person who should have my back. And the thought of my life being thrown off center in such a way by the one person who is supposed to protect me has my stomach in knots.
I take a big breath in, rubbing my hand down my face as I exhale.
“Honestly, Becs, I’ve been having the same questions running through my mind. At first, I thought it was my aunt, but the dates coincide with someone else living up in Seattle at the same time. And the only explanation I feel might lead to an answer is my mother.”
The moment I mention my mother, Becca sits up straight, whipping her head toward me.
“She wouldn’t!”
Becca’s fury is seen in her eyes. I don’t know what she may have thought; maybe she believed my aunt or someone else got a hold of that letter and took matters into their own hands. But something deep inside me feels like my mother had something to do with this, and I think it was her and her alone.
“Why would a mother,yourmother, do such a thing to her own child? And why deprive not only you, but herself, of meeting a piece of you?”
Again, all the questions Becca throws into the universe have crossed my mind a million times today. The only way I’ll know for sure is by seeing my mother to try to get an explanation. I do worry, however, that no matter what her explanation, I will not be satisfied by it.
“I think the only way I will have any insight into what she was thinking is by confronting her, face-to-face.”
Just the thought of doing that exhausts me.
“I think I’m going to wait until after Thanksgiving. Now that I think about it, my mother has been avoiding me since I mentioned reconnecting with you. I didn’t put too much weight on the avoidance at first, but now I’m starting to put her behaviors together with that letter. I don’t want her ruining our holiday together, especially my first with my own child. I know she’s an adult, but now I want to live life again with her. Form new memories, do things I would have done with her if she were younger.”
“Liv is quite fun and appeasing, but I don’t think a trip to the zoo is high on her list, Shane.”
She chuckles at her own joke, and that makes me smile. I can feel that the anger she was holding a second ago has not fully evaporated from her thoughts, but happiness is once again front and center. I think knowing that I, indeed, did not write that letter took off some stress Becca was carrying on her shoulders, without even realizing it.
“Becs, tell me how it was raising Olive on your own.”
She’s staring off into the distance when I ask her this. She blinks a few times, with what I assume are tears she’s trying to fight off and looks at me. She has this calm smile stretched across her face and she sighs.
“I bet most people think they’ve got the best kid. But having Liv, I feel like I won the jackpot. She was such a happy child. She smiled so much, as if it was her favorite milestone to reach. She was loving and caring. Beau loved taking her on Saturday strolls in the mornings when he was in town. In many ways, Beau was a father figure to her. I hope you don’t mind me saying that.”
I shake my head, remembering the kindhearted friend of mine from high school who would do anything for those he loved. The fact his heart extended out to my daughter makes me feel comforted instead of jealous.
“Liv grew up with a pretty normal life, in all senses of the word. She stayed with my mom while I went to school, and then I’d switch off with my mom, watching both Grant and Liv when I got home. Grant felt like Liv was more of a cousin than a niece, so they have a close bond, even today. It was nice to see him watch out for her as he got older as well. Once she was able to go to school, they went together, although grades apart. But we made it work and the kids didn’t seem to struggle in any way.
“I was always honest with her about my love for you and how we were in high school. I did keep that letter away from her though. So today was the first she’s ever heard of it. I’m glad that’s the case because I don’t know if she would have been as welcoming had she seen you knowing that letter existed. I barely wanted to have anything to do with you when I first saw you at my doorstep recently.”
She looks down, fiddling with the string on her pajama bottoms.
“Liv took Beau’s passing quite hard. She was only a teenager when he became ill, and once we knew it was terminal, she was devastated. But she never showed it. She was so strong for him, going to visit when she had a break from school, always smiling and sitting with him. But when he passed, I saw her strength shine. She continued being that ray of light for everyone who needed it, especially Ellie and Beau’s kids. I will forever be grateful for the love Beau gave her because she returned that love tenfold for him and his family when they needed it. That’s Liv though. She doesn’t hold on to anger or hate. She loves to see peace, and seeing her accept you so openly isn’t surprising, yet is quite honorable, if you ask me.”
“I can’t help but wonder, Becs—why didn’t you say something sooner, when we first reconnected?”
This question has been gnawing at me all day, and I need to understand why.
“I wish I had a definitive answer for you about that. I guess in some ways, I was protecting myself. From the facts I have now come to know were false, I believed you had written that letter. Plus, what you had written in that letter, as hard as it was to accept, I thought you believed those things of me and, ultimately, of Liv. Also, in some ways, seeing you again woke me up. For so long, I lived my life muted, thinking that I was truly happy. Yes, I felt happiness seeing my children thrive, but when I was home and they were out, I was lonely in so many ways.
“Then, there you were, standing on my doorstep, and I felt like the old me. The Saddle Ridge Rebecca, who was loved by the boy who saw her as his everything. And I wanted to bask in that life for a little while before bursting that bubble. So when you put off talking about the past, I thought you were trying to process things as well. I never imagined you didn’t know about Olive. And I guess, in some way, I thought that once we broached the Olive subject and the letter, you would confirm you said such hateful things, and I didn’t want to walk away from you just yet. I wanted this time together so I could say I felt that endless love again.
