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I have visited California a handful of times since I left the state as a teen. For a long time, it held so much pain for me, but when I’d visit for medical conferences, I tried to change my viewpoint in hopes I would shed that pain that clung to my heart since losing my dad.
It’s hard not to look back at the series of events in life and wonder what if. Much like Shane mentioned, trying to figure out how life would be had he not overheard a conversation and taken it out of context. Had he gotten a hold of that letter when I had sent it, so much would have been different. But it’s also hard to look at my past and not see the good that rose from the ashes.
That’s what’s so difficult about all this with Shane. The pain he feels when he sees Liv and all he missed out on breaks me. It also hurts that the heartbreak I endured was all due to someone with darkness no one predicted could surface from her. But I also have a different outlook, because my life has been a series of tragedies that have also brought some beautiful moments.
My father’s death gutted my mother and me, and thinking back on his passing at my young age brings a heaviness to my soul. But with that loss came new beginnings and, for me, it brought me to Shane. Although I suffered when he left, the moments before are some that I treasure deep inside. And from us came Olive.
My little sidekick who brought light on a cloudy day. She was the rainbow that emerged after the storm. From Shane’s departure from our lives, I cannot live in that world of what-ifs for too long because I did meet Hudson and had two beautiful children emerge from us as well.
My life has had sadness and heartbreak, but it’s also had some of life’s most cherished adventures arise. And for that, I can’t sit in regret or anger. I am consumed by fullness in a way that I fear Shane may never feel.
As we sit here, our hands behind us, leaning back to enjoy the little warmth the sun carries over our skin with this crisp fall breeze, we are simply existing together, finding a way to write a new story, without letting the ugliness of our past seep into the pages. But I think it’s important to recognize that we can feel anger while also feeling happy for what’s to come.
What happened to us hurts, but it happened, and we can’t go back and change it. The longer we hold on to those wounds, the harder it will be to capture the beauty that surely lies ahead.
I guess all my years of therapy have finally shown the growth I needed. I held onto a lot of resentment toward my father’s death and, ultimately, Shane leaving me, so I had to pursue therapy to cope with my feelings.
Having a child changes your perspective on life in so many ways, but the clearest picture I had once Olive was in my arms was that my anger would not benefit either of us moving forward. And now I get to see how my ability to care for my feelings has helped, especially now, in navigating how I want to move forward with Shane. I need to find a way to fit him into my everyday movements, but still realize that we need time to adjust.
I turn to Shane and find him looking at me.
“What are you thinking about, Becs? I can hear those gears turning in that head of yours. I can’t imagine the last twenty-four hours have been easy to digest. I know I’m struggling.”
He turns his gaze back toward the ocean and I follow, looking at the tide coming in. I inhale deeply, feeling like with each breath I take now, my lungs are a little more open to letting more in. I now feel like the weight on my chest has been lifted after holding on to so much unnecessary baggage.
“I’m trying to figure out a way to move forward, not just for us together, but how to blend that with the twins. I do want them to feel secure in how I choose to move forward with my decisions. They never truly understood much about my life with Olive before because we shielded them. The most they knew was that Hudson wasn’t biologically Olive’s father. But aside from that, we always treated the kids equally, which wasn’t hard, as Liv was much older by the time the twins were able to form memories of us all living together.
“I think that when we’re just us, without Mallory and Jackson, I want to focus on how we can grow together now that we are in a different place in life. But when the twins are with me, I need you to understand there’s going to be some time for adjustment. I don’t want you to be upset if they take some time to warm up to you. I don’t think they saw Hudson and me getting back together, but they may have felt like their world wasn’t rocked much lately because Hudson and I co-parent well. I just want to ensure they feel protected and grounded as you and I navigate this new journey together.”
I sit up, now my fingers playing in the sand between my legs, waiting to hear what he has to say.
“Look, Becca, I know you’re a mother first. Do I love that I can’t just mold myself to the life you’ve built with no barriers? Not at all. I feel like each second I missed, I have to try to salvage that now that we’re back together. But I understand that life is messier now. You have a family that goes beyond me and what we have with Olive. But I want you to know I’m not going anywhere. Noah said I can still crash at his place, but I’m thinking of finding a place of my own, maybe in Noah’s building. That way it’s not too far from you so I can see you when the twins are in school or whenever you have a break from work. My work is done remotely, and my travel schedule is minimal compared to what it was.
“So I’m here to stay, and I want to find a way to move forward. But I would like to know that I could hopefully become a part of your life with your twins, in whatever capacity you and Hudson agree upon. I want to be there for you and for them, in whatever way I can. I may not be a father who got to raise his child, but I have love to give, and I want the chance to show you I want forever for us.”
He puts my hand in his and brings it to his lips. He places a small kiss against my skin, and I try to memorize the feeling of his touch because for so long I could only dream of it. My love for him goes beyond what I thought possible after so many years apart.
We sit at the beach to watch the sunset, then begin to head back to Shane’s house. He was talking to me about selling the place but has decided to rent it out.
Janine, his assistant, already has someone scheduled to put his personal items in storage, but the location is great for Airbnb, so he’s chosen that route to move forward. When we walk in, take-out in hand, we sit at the kitchen table. We begin to devour our meal, but so much still needs to be discussed, so I decide to put it all out there for him.
“Listen, I heard what you had to say regarding bringing our lives together. I actually have spoken to Hudson about when I could start having you around the twins in a more permanent capacity. We decided that at first, you coming around to be with us for meals or activities might be the best way to start. Maybe giving the kids some time to adjust to me being in a relationship, making sure we’re moving toward a stable relationship in the long run, would be best to ensure they’re not confused in case things don’t work out.”
Shane looks up from his meal, a confused expression crossing his face, but he doesn’t interrupt me.
“I think if the past has proven anything, it’s that nothing is set in stone. So I think for all of our sakes, we need to tread lightly, especially when kids are involved. I want you to get to know the twins, and I think you’ll get along swimmingly. But I want to really make sure we are in this for the long haul.”
I take a bite of my food and watch as Shane slowly puts his utensils down and makes his way over toward my seat. He pulls my chair out and gently pulls me up. Without hesitation, he grabs me and puts me over his shoulder, slapping my ass as he walks us toward his bedroom.
He places me on the bed, and I look up at him, curious about where his mind is right now. He removes his shirt, and my mind goes blank. What were we just talking about again?
He moves over me like a lion assessing his prey.
“Becs, I think it’s cute you’re talking about us like it’s amaybething when you know it’s asureone. It’s always been you, baby, and I don’t see how you don’t recognize that already. I may have had a life between now and the time I left you, but those years were nothing in comparison to this short time we’ve gotten back together. You bring air to my lungs, and no one has compared to you.”
He leans in to kiss me and I’m a goner. My breathing accelerates as I feel his fingers move along the side of my body, grazing my ribs, down my hips, and move their way to the middle, undoing the button of my jeans. I feel his length against me, and I can’t help the way my hips move, trying to relieve the ache between my legs.
“Always so eager. It’s good to see some things never change.”
