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She looks over at Becca, attempting to explain some of it without truly acknowledging her by name.
“She sent that letter, and it was forwarded to me in Seattle from our Nebraska address. I knew whatever she had shared in that letter was important, but I couldn’t bring myself to give it to you. So I opened it and when I read it, I was angry.”
She says this as if her anger was warranted.
“You see, when I got pregnant with you, although your father was great to you when he saw you on occasion, it changed our dynamic. He resented me in some ways as he was limited in what he wanted to do in his life because he had you to care for. He wanted us to travel and do all these things with the Navy. When I told him I was not going to move you around, living in different cities and states every few years, he chose the Navy over you and me. I held so much resentment toward your father for his decision. So when I saw Rebecca’s letter, I saw a way to give you the life you had worked so hard for, without causing the inevitable.”
My mother is getting more confident the more she tells this story, as if her explanation makes complete sense.
I look at her, questioning what she means.
“What do you mean the inevitable?”
I spit the words back at her because nothing is coming together in the way she’s imagining for me and my thoughts. Becs squeezes my hand and I’m reminded I need to let her speak freely so I can fully comprehend the way she acted years ago.
My mother inhales, as if she’s exhausted by this conversation. I don’t know what she expected from this interaction, but I’m starting to see my mom in a different light after so many years believing she always wanted what was best for me.
“I knew you two wouldn’t make it if I brought you guys back together. I stand by what I wrote in that letter. By the time she reached out to you, that baby could have been anyone’s.”
Becca takes in a sharp inhale, and I feel her stiffen up beside me. This time I’m the one squeezing her hand to silently tell her I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.
My mom sits up a little straighter, prepared to take on the next leg of the conversation with more confidence.
“Come on, Shane, you can’t be naive enough to believe Rebecca didn't see other people after you left.”
She says this and I see where the vile words from that letter came from. All these years, I put my mother on a pedestal, and she was simply a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
“Mom, what you did goes beyond defiance and disrespect. Becca was pregnant. Becca did give birth. That child turned out to be my daughter. Your granddaughter. And most of all, you stole, not just from Becca and our child, but from me. I am your son, and you simply took away my choice to be with them.”
My voice is rising, and I can’t help myself. My mother is delusional if she thinks this is normal behavior. I think, despite this visit being short, I’ve had enough of this conversation already.
My mom stands by her convictions and scoffs at my words.
“Shane, please. Do you even know the rate of divorce among teen parents? I did you both a favor. And Rebecca did fine for herself. She became a doctor. She married a lawyer. She had other children.”
That stops me in my tracks and that’s when I see. She really isn't who I thought she was. So, not only did she interfere in the most deceitful way, but she also kept tabs on Becca and the life she led. This revelation is becoming clearer by the minute, and my heart is breaking in a way I didn't think possible. When this conversation started, I thought remorse was going to be the route my mother would have taken. But it seems she could care less about the way her actions derailed all our lives. She is still confident that she made the right choice. And I think, for that reason, her actions are unforgivable.
I begin to stand, and Becca does the same. But when I look to my side, I see Becs holding back tears. She is looking directly at my mother and within the next second, she has her phone out. She is typing into it, soon pulling up whatever she is looking for.
She turns the phone toward my mother, with trembling hands pointing at the screen, “You know what? I think it’s pitiful you still believe your actions were justified all these years later. Because I think you would really love to get to know our daughter. She is kind and strong, and each moment with her has been a gift. A gift you deprived your son of. A gift you deprived our daughter and me of as well. Please take a look at this beautiful person we created. There is no doubt she is Shane’s, not that he ever doubted it when we reunited.
“But you, on the other hand, disregarded my love for your son without really getting to know me all those years ago. So all I can say,” she pockets her phone, “is shame on you. Shame on you for being less for your son who is everything. He looked at you with such love and admiration and how did you repay him? By disregarding a chance to love his own child. What kind of mother does that?”
With that, Becca walks off, detaching her hand from mine, not in an act of anger toward me, but in an act of self-preservation in the presence of what I feel might be pure evil. I look at my mother, shaking my head and looking down.
“I think you were given an opportunity to be great, but you didn’t take it, and now you will end up all alone. You didn’t use anything that happened between you and Dad and try to make it better for Becca and me. You took your broken heart and pushed your feelings of rejection and humiliation upon your son and the love of his life. Shame on you.”
I turn and walk away, and I swear I heard my mom take a breath. I don’t know if it’s remorse or the realization that her actions will now leave her more alone than she had ever been before. But no matter how I look at it, she made a conscious decision that led to so much heartbreak, and our relationship may never recover from this.
ChapterThirty-Three
REBECCA
Present Day
The next day we decide to soak up the sun and ocean breeze while we have the time. We are returning early tomorrow to New York to continue life together. The fact I am looking at my side and see Shane standing there still feels somewhat surreal. He was, for so long, a part of every wish I made into my cluster of stars above.
We’re sitting on the beach, our toes in the sand, watching the surfers and families taking in the beautiful scenery California never fails to deliver.
