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Content Warnings
This book contains descriptions of acts of physical violence and emotional abuse, including scenes of physical and emotional abuse from parents or authority figures and scenes where characters are bound against their will. This book also contains descriptions of acts of homophobia and mentions of abusive parents and authority figures and teen suicide.
01
“Once more from the top!”
Tae Hyun nodded, his ragged breath heaving. Sweat dripped from his brow as he rested, bent over while he slowly massaged his knuckles. His pounding heart echoed the song’s thumping bassline as a stark reminder that, despite his best efforts to maintain his fitness routine during and after his military service, he’d still fallen seriously out of shape. “Please, hold on. I’m still catching my breath.”
“Oh, come on, Tay!” Alex playfully scoffed. “Do you really think a stadium full of screaming fans is gonna wait for you to catch your fucking breath?”
Tae Hyun groaned as he straightened his posture. “I have to survive your dance practices first. Then I’ll worry about my screaming fans.”
Alex casually shrugged. “Hey, I’m just doing what you hired me to do.”
Tae Hyun tried very hard not to regret that choice because he knew how much he needed her. When he first started working on his new album’s stages, he quickly realized he was in over his head. It wasn’t a matter of skill or experience. Tae Hyun had been dancing for much longer than he’d been an idol. And he’d beenXTC’s leader and lead dancer, so he’d done plenty of choreography work during his years with the group. But that was all carried out under the watchful eyes of KBR’s stable of dance instructors and choreographers–support he no longer had. And, while he enjoyed the freedom of finally being on his own, Tae Hyun missed the comforting structure that came with being part of the KBR family. When he complained about it, Jason suggested he hire someone.
It was strange that Tae Hyun hadn’t thought of that himself. The freedom to work however and with whoever he wanted was one of the biggest theoretical perks of going solo. But he soon discovered that the reality was much different. None of the choreographers he’d worked with at KBR were options. And many of the independent choreographers he’d spoken with said they would’ve loved the work, but KBR’s vengeful gaze and long reach prevented them from taking it. It was like that with everything. Resources Tae Hyun had easily accessed before were suddenly beyond his grasp. It was a frustrating situation that he’d often used as an excuse to put up with the terrible downsides of being a closeted idol. And it had led to several moments dealing with the aftermath of coming out when he almost regretted it.
But Jason came to his rescue again, introducing him to a choreographer he knew as a friend of a friend in Hollywood. Alexandra Payne had spent years working as a backup dancer before becoming a choreographer herself and had since worked with many artists, including several well-known American pop stars. Best of all, she had no problem working with Tae Hyun. “I could give two shits about KBR,” she gleefully explained. “Plus, I’m a total dyke, and I love working with family. Especially when I don’t have to pretend they’re not.”
Of course, working with Alex meant working in English. While Tae Hyun had gotten much better at that after speaking it every day, Alex’s colorful language often made it hard to understand her.
“I know, I know.” Tae Hyun stretched his shoulders and neck before returning to the first pose. Then he checked to ensure the dancers surrounding him were ready. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Alex nodded and started the song track. Tae Hyun pointed his nose at the floor and took a pair of slow, even breaths to calm himself, composing his face while the digital metronome clicked through an eight count. He looked up just as the first boom thundered through his body, slinking from side to side in time to the song’s deep, bass-heavy intro. A dozen hands reached for him as he gradually rose from his crouch, surrounded by a circle of six prone dancers arcing up from their prayer poses. It was a highly sensual display, and Tae Hyun’s expression smoldered to match. He was emerging from the proverbial shadows, no longer held down by the soulless corporate demons controlling him or the many lies he’d told to earn their favor.
Tae Hyun thrust his hands skyward as the vocals began. He ignored his voice, not even lip-syncing as he focused on his face and body. Arching his back, he pushed forward, trusting that the twins, Daniel and Jenny, would twist from his path. Then he reached out, finding their heads where he knew they’d be, and guided them both to his sides. Javi and Malik, still kneeling behind him, rose and mirrored his movements with Skylar and Ember, the remaining dancers. Tae Hyun momentarily froze, captured by Daniel and Jenny’s sizzling gazes. Then, the four kneeling dancers rose in time to the beat. The twins pressed themselves against Tae Hyun’s body, their hands caressing his chest as they bent toward him, craning their heads as if to take a bite from his neck. When the beat shifted for the pre-chorus, Jenny slinked around behind Tae Hyun while her brother dropped to his knees before him. Tae Hyun’s lip curled into a sneer as their bodies painted a sultry, suggestive scene that he never would’ve been allowed to create in hisXTCdays.
Jason’s jaw dropped the first time Tae Hyun showed him what he’d been working on. And Tae Hyun had needlessly worried that Jason might be jealous. But Jason only smiled.
“We already talked about this,” Jason reminded him. “I’m insanely jealous. But you don’t belong to me. And I wouldn’t dream of trying to hide you away anyway. I say let the world see how amazing and sexy you are.” Then he flashed a mischievous grin. “Now, show me that one move again.”
The seductive choreo was far beyond anything Tae Hyun had ever previously done. Not thatXTCnever had any sexy concepts. But those had never gone beyond opaque, mesh shirts or the occasional bare arms or midriffs. Between the notoriously prudish Korean media censors and a small but irritatingly vocal segment of fans who’d undoubtedly lose their minds at seeing such a thing, sexy was neverXTC’s brand. So Tae Hyun had pushed the envelope, and himself, as he’d developed the stages for his upcoming album–especially for the title track. And that put him well outside his comfort zone.
“No, no, no!” Alex huffed with frustration as she stopped the track. “I’m not seeing sexy here. Only tortured.”
Tae Hyun groaned as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. Alex had said essentially the same thing the first time they’d run through the song that day. Hearing it again a dozen more times was eroding his confidence. “I don’t understand what the problem is.”
Alex heavily exhaled through her nose as she bit down on her lip. Then she nodded. “Alright, everyone. Let’s take five. I need a few minutes with our idol.”
Daniel patted Tae Hyun’s shoulder and flashed him a sympathetic grin. “Don’t worry,” he said in Korean. Like Tae Hyun, he and his sister had grown up in Korea. But they’d both fled to Los Angeles as teen dancers looking for better opportunities than the local entertainment industry allowed. Also, like Tae Hyun, Daniel was gay. “You’ll get it.”
Tae Hyun nodded, forcing himself to smile as Daniel joined his sister and the other dancers at the water cooler. He held that smile as Alex approached him, reminding himself again that she was just doing her job. He was the problem, not her. He was the one holding everyone back.
Alex’s pouty frown suggested that she didn’t buy his smile. Unlike most dancers, her broad shoulders and imposing frame betrayed her second career as a boxer and MMA fighter. It would’ve been intimidating if her posture and stance weren’t so casual and relaxed. Despite dressing for a workout in simple lycra shorts and a sports bra with her thick, wavy, black hair tied back in a ponytail, the bright overhead lights reflected off the sheen of sweat on her walnut brown skin. The studio’s A/C could barely keep up with the heat from seven performers and an instructor. And that was another in a long list of things Tae Hyun missed from KBR’s state-of-the-art practice facilities.
Alex stopped before him and silently brooded long enough that Tae Hyun began to feel anxious. But he pushed the anxiety back down. He didn’t need to please her. He wanted her honest opinion. Then she finally spoke. “So. What’s up?”
Tae Hyun snorted. “I thought you would tell me that.”
Alex shook her head. “Nah. I ain’t no mind reader, Tay.” She’d never asked Tae Hyun if it was okay to call him that. But it was the least of his irritations, so he allowed it. “Something’s blocking you, that’s for sure. But you’re the only one who knows what it is.”
“But I don’t know.” Tae Hyun gently sighed. “Maybe I need more practice.”
Alex shook her head. “Nah. You already got the moves down. It’s gotta be something else.” Her well-shaped brows fell as she regarded Tae Hyun with narrow-eyed judgment. “Hell, it’s your choreo and your song. The feelings should come naturally. But they’re not. Maybe it’s too much.” She shrugged her broad shoulders. “Maybe you’re not ready.”
Tae Hyun frowned. “I’m–” He stopped, swallowing a sudden burst of surprised anguish as he shook his head. “I have to be ready. But I don’t know what I’m missing.”
