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She walks away before I can argue, which is probably a good thing, since I don't have a response.
I love Cherry so much it hurts to think about her, but I owe it to her not to get involved when I have nothing to offer. Not even the time to spend with her she deserves.
If I'd tried to explain that to Cherry, she'd have insisted we could make it work, and I'd have ended up hurting her no matter how much I didn't mean to. I'd let work get in the way of spending time with her and she'd grow to resent me. Ending things now is right, but it doesn't feel like it.
After a minute spent debating walking back out of the house, I head to the kitchen and help my parents and Alice with our Christmas Eve dinner. Usually, I love spending time with my family, but tonight I'm on a razor's edge, just waiting to get home where I can mope in peace and hoping neither Alice nor my parents say anything about Cherry.
"How's the store expansion going?" Mom asks as I dump mashed potatoes onto my plate.
I groan. "I've got two more investors interested, but they've got more ideas than the first guy. And all their ideas are going to cost me money."
Mom's brow crinkles. "Honey, I'm not sure why you're putting yourself through all of this. Is this really what you want?"
"Of course it is," I say automatically. "And the town needs it. My candy will be like an ambassador, letting everyone know what a great place Yuletide is to visit in the summer."
"We do fine." Mom glances at Dad, who's still a member of the business council even though he's retired. "Don't we?"
"Things do get tight." Dad winces. "It puts a lot of pressure on everyone to have great numbers all winter and especially at Christmas, but that's typical for retailers all over the country."
"Sure." This is why I didn't tell them my plan sooner. They're already trying to talk me out of it. "But most retail businesses don't see their numbers drop to nothing as soon as the warmer weather hits. I want to change that."
"That's very generous of you." Mom is speaking softly, like she can sense my frustration. "But I just can't see you being happy with having other people telling you what to do or controlling your business financially. Don't you remember what your father went through?"
Not only is my father a chef, but he invented a device that minces garlic in less than ten seconds. The success of that product boosted his fame and he's now got a line of kitchenware and owns several restaurants. He's mostly retired now and glad to have escaped the pressures of that life. "I'm not looking to build a business as large as Dad's. I just want to open more candy stores."
"And get out of Yuletide so you can continue being a commitment-phobe and walk away from the woman who loves you." Somehow, Alice manages to sneer with a green bean between her teeth.
I glare at my sister. "This has nothing to do with Cherry." Though it feels like it has everything to do with her. Not because I'm running from her, but because she's a reason I want to stay. Even if she hates me, I want to be in the same town she's in.
"Sure it does." Alice glares right back. "You're afraid of getting too close to anyone. You're so afraid of commitment, you don't even want to be around Liam and Murphy."
"I don't have a fear of commitment." I drop my fork onto my plate and glare at my family. "I'm not going to settle down here until I know the town is stable and has plenty of resources." I turn to Mom. "You used to complain every year about how underfunded the school is."
Mom nods reluctantly. "That's true, but we made do. The students who graduate from Yuletide High do well for themselves."
"You shouldn't have to make do. If I can make things better, I have to do it. Plus, I'll get to travel and see the world. It's a great opportunity all the way around." If I consider Denver the world, since it's not likely I'll be taking my business international anytime soon. My family doesn't need to know all the little details, though.
"I don't see how you leaving helps Yuletide." Alice looks away and wipes at her cheeks. She's just returned to town after college and I never thought she'd care if I left. "You could do so much more good here."
All my anger and annoyance fades. "It's not forever, Al. The more people who know my candy, the more people I can teach about Yuletide." But doubt is creeping in. Is expanding my candy store the best way for me to help Yuletide? Or is it really just a subconscious excuse to get away from everything for a while? "Let's change the subject."
"Sure." Alice sniffs and avoids my gaze.
Dad intervenes. "Let's talk about the upcoming Yuletide festival. I'm thinking about making your grandmother's cherry pie for the baked goods contest. What do you think?"
Alice gives me one last glare before turning to Dad and debating cherry versus peach pie for a spring festival. Even though it's four months away, it's never too early to plan for the biggest Yuletide event after Christmas.
For the rest of dinner, I keep my head down and let the conversation wash over me, but I know I'm in trouble when Mom sends Alice and Dad to wash the dishes, a job usually shared by me and Alice, and invites me to sit with her in the living room.
"Mom, I'm fine." I'll say anything to avoid this conversation.
She gives me a look I know all too well. It's her brooking no bullshit, you're getting away with nothing I haven't already seen, hard stare. "You've been like this since you were a little boy. You get set on some idea of how things should be and nothing will change your mind."
I wasn't expecting this from her. "I know what I like and what I want. There's nothing wrong with that."
"There is when you use it as an excuse to push people away. Or when you get so set on your ideas of the safest way the world should work and you get mad at other people for not doing it your way. You've got a sensitive heart and you hate to see the people you love hurting, but if your reaction is to run away, you're going to have a very lonely life."
Her words hit me in a place that's been hit a lot this week, my heart. "It's so much sometimes, Mom. Everyone needs something and I want to help, I want to make their lives better, but I just keep failing. People keep fighting about the same things over and over and nothing I do or say seems to make any difference." I glance toward the kitchen, desperate to escape.
