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"It's not your job to fix everything." Mom looks worried and sad and I hate that I've made her feel this way. "Most of the time, people need to work things out on their own."
I snort. "Like Liam and Murphy? That's going well."
"They seem very happy, honey."
"I just don't understand how the two of them can be so smart and so stupid at the same time," I say. "A good, lasting marriage is one where two people have their own lives figured out and join those two lives in a carefully considered, well-planned union. Not some last-minute rush to Vegas to get married. Happy couples never fight. You and Dad taught me that. You are the model for marriage everyone should live by."
"Oh, honey." Mom presses a hand to her chest, tears welling in her eyes. "I never thought…" She swallows. "You were such a sensitive kid and your dad and I were gone so much for our careers. I made your father promise we'd never fight in front of you or your sister. When we needed to have a disagreement, we'd hire a sitter and go out for a date night where we could yell until we'd gotten it all out of our systems."
I gape at her, aghast. "You had date nights once a week, sometimes twice, when you were both home."
She laughs. "Not every date night was a fight night. And we rarely argue now, but every relationship goes through growing pains in the beginning. Of course, your father and I argue and disagree. That's normal and human. I love your father passionately, Xavier, but he and I are two very different people, and we rarely view the world the same way."
I can't comprehend what she's telling me. "You and Dad fight? You're not just talking about a disagreement over whether gouda or swiss is the better cheese?"
"Of course." She shakes her head. "I'm sorry I never let you see that. Although at thirty, I would have assumed you'd have seen other examples of good relationships where couples fight."
"No one I know has a relationship as good as the one you and Dad have, or one that's lasted as long." I run a hand through my hair. "I guess I should have talked to you before deciding you and Dad have the perfect relationship I should strive toward."
"Not perfect," she says. "But pretty damn close. Liam and Murphy aren't perfect, either, but it doesn't mean they're doomed."
I roll my eyes. "An occasional fight might be acceptable, but Liam and Murphy fight all the time. They've been arguing over everything since they were kids. The only reason they got married is because they don't have any better options in this town."
Mom presses her lips together like she's trying not to laugh. "Oh, honey. That's not fighting, that's foreplay."
"Foreplay?" I echo, completely confused. "It's not foreplay. They've been arguing like that since they were…" Realization dawns slowly.
"Since they were about eleven." Mom pats my knee, something like pity in her eyes. "The perfect age to have your serious first crush. Watch them the next time they argue about something and you'll see it."
My mind is blown. "I've never noticed anything but animosity between them."
"Look closer. Pay attention. I think you've been so afraid of seeing them hurt that you've pushed them away without meaning to." She pauses and straightens the tablecloth, but she's clearly got something on her mind.
"Don't hold back now. Lay it all out on me."
She sighs. "You push away a lot of people, or just don't let them in at all. Are you afraid of what happens when things get rocky or are you afraid of them leaving you the way your father and I did when I was in the military and he was building his career?"
I wave away her words. "I'm too busy for relationships. I have been for a long time."
"Because you choose to be. Your grandmother took good care of you here, but I've always worried you might have felt like it was your fault we were gone so much. You worked so hard to take care of Alice and your grandmother, to prove we didn't need to worry." She sighs. "But I'm worried now, Xavier. I'm worried you think your worth is only in what you can do for other people. That people will only appreciate you if you fix everything for them."
"Everyone wants to have a purpose, Mom. It's not like I'm neurotic about it."
She squints and holds up her hand, her thumb and forefinger pinched together. "Little bit."
I groan and swipe a hand over my face. Is she right? The very idea of accepting I don't have to fix everything feels like a thousand pounds being lifted off my shoulders. "Are you saying I should just stop? I should just let Myrna and Bert get into a fist fight over a parking spot? I should just let the sledding hill turn into a brawl?"
"I'm saying, honey, that you've done more than your share for years now and it's okay to take a step back if that's what you want. It's okay to do something that's just for you. You're allowed to be happy and focus on your store and not worry about anyone else. In fact, it might be healthier if you do. If that's what you want."
Cherry is the only thing I've let myself want for as long as I can remember, other than my candy shop. "That just feels so selfish and…" Why would anyone want to be around a selfish man. I can't say those words aloud, can't get them out.
"You couldn't be selfish if you tried, honey. You're far more in danger of giving too much of yourself, as I suspect you've been doing for longer than any of us have noticed." She pauses, pressing her lips together tight and looking away. "And sometimes it's better to let people make their own mistakes. Sometimes, your well-intentioned helping can come off as patronizing." She holds up her hands. "Not that you mean it that way, but treating people like equals is trusting them to make their own mistakes."
I sigh. I really have been an asshole. "You're talking about Liam and Murphy again, aren't we?"
"I am. I just want you to be happy, Xavier. I love you and I'll support whatever you decide to do."
"I'm happy, Mom." But my time with Cherry, some of the best moments of my life, has shown me just how unhappy I've been.
