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"So incredible that the Skull Brotherhood fed women diamonds so they could heighten their emotions, theirfear,when they raped them?" she shakes her head, tears clogging her throat.
"Fuck, I'm sorry," I reply, more guilt piling on top of the guilt already weighing me down.
"Diamonds were never meant to be used like that, Arden. They were supposed to bring people together in a good way, not be one of the ingredients in a nightmare."
"Don’t you dare blame yourself. This is my fault. What happened to you, what happened to your friend, to the women Soren held captive, all of it. It’s my fault. I took advantage of you, Cyn, and even after I realised how much I wanted you,neededyou," I correct myself, "I still didn't do right by you. I delivered the diamonds right into his hands. I didn't protect you. I didn't protect your friend–"
"Stop!" she says, holding her hand up. "I knew what I was doing coming here. I knew what it meant. I was dishonest."
"You came here to give The Masks and Christy time. You did that out oflove," I counter. "You're not in the wrong here."
"Aren't I?" she mutters, taking her recipe book from me and flicking through the pages. "I didn't tell you everything."
"Are you talking about the letter from my aunt?" I ask.
"You know about that?" she asks me, clearing her throat.
I see how she winces. I hear how rough the sound of her voice is, as though she has swallowed shards of glass that cut up her voice box every time she speaks. Grabbing a glass, I fill it with water from the tap, passing it to her.
"Drink," I urge her.
Our fingers brush against one another as she takes the glass from me, and I feel that brief touch all the way done to the marrow of my bones. I want to hold her so badly. So fucking badly. Yet I hold back. She swallows a mouthful, her throat bobbing under the fading bruise ringing her neck, which only serves to remind me how close we were to losing her.
“How did you know?” she asks me, placing the glass of water onto the kitchen table.
“Christy. She told us that her mother wrote you a letter too. We understand now that you didn’t just leave with us that night of the masquerade ball because you wanted to give Christy and The Masks time to heal, you also left because you chose a path which saved our lives,” I explain, reaching for her, my fingers pressing against her arm as she looks up at me. “Is that right?”
“Yes. Two paths. Two choices. Two lives. Nessa said that one choice led to a life of happiness, where I would heal many people but you, Lorcan and Carrick would die,” she explains, her grey eyes billowing with secrets and swirling emotions.
“And the other path,” I whisper, stepping closer, my palm running up her arm as she turns to face me fully. I lock eyes with her and I swear I can see right into her soul. There’s no guard up, there are no walls, nothing to hide behind, just complete honesty.
“Would lead to here, with you all alive.”
Her eyes well with tears as I pull her into my arms, holding her against my chest in a fierce hug.
I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve her bravery, her selflessness or her kindness.
“You chose the path to protect us knowing that you’d have to sacrifice yourself in the process, didn’t you?” I ask on an unsteady breath, feeling so much fucking gratitude, feeling utterly unworthy. “You lost too much, and I’m afraid that we won’t be enough.”
Her tears seep through my shirt, her sobs tear at my heart as her body shakes with grief. I wish I could erase what happened, but I can’t. All I can do is live in her grief alongside her, show her how much I love her, and prove to her that our future together was worth the sacrifice.
But first, I owe her the truth.
“Cyn, there’s something I need to tell you, something important that might change how you feel about us,” I say, gently easing her out of my arms, and pulling out a seat at the table so that she can sit down.
“What?” she asks, as I take a seat next to her and angle my body towards her.
“I made a promise to myself to always be truthful, even if it’s hard.”
She blinks up at me with uncertainty, afraid of what I’m about to say. “This is going to hurt, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I admit, taking her hands in mine. “But I wouldn’t be doing right by you if I didn’t tell you this one last truth. I hope you’ll forgive us.”
Cyn swallows, then nods.Go on, she silently urges me with her eyes, because like me she’s suddenly lost the ability to speak.
Swallowing back the brittleness in my throat, I force the words out of my mouth. “On the night Lorcan and I delivered the diamonds to Soren, the same night his men came here and stole you from Carrick, we met your friend, Faith.”
Cyn gasps, her eyes widening as her face drains of colour.
