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“Jacob and I came home, and I sent him to his room to play. I locked myself in the bathroom. I cried. I haven’t cried tears like those in a long time. It was a relief. It wasn’t me falling back. You know when something unexpected sneaks up on you?”
She ignores me and gets up, stroking my hair and wrapping one strong arm around my back. I continue.
“Feelings and memories are so strong. As soon as I saw him, my emotions were taken back in time. Back to a place and person I used to be, but I’m not anymore.”
“Lacey, maybe we can put Jacob in a different class, or a different school. We’ll explain it; they’ll understand.”
“No. We will not,” I say firmly. “I will not do that to him. He’ll be devastated if I take him away from the first real friend he’s made. You know he wasn’t thrilled about starting school. I won’t hurt him in that way. I’ll deal with it; things are not the same. I’m not the same girl as before.” I sigh.
Besides, it’s only the beginning of things he has to deal with in his life. I’m not going to add to the difficulties he’ll have to face from ignorant, small-minded people who don’t know a damn thing about him or who he is. I’ll deal.
Knowing I won’t give in on this, she asks, “What did he say?”
“Not much. He was as shocked as we are.”
“He knows Jacob is yours. What did he say about that?”
“What was he supposed to say?”
“I don’t know.” Her hand goes up as if she wants to pull her hair out. “God in heaven, I don’t know.”
“I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe yelling, or a cold look of hate and disdain for my choice. For making a decision he couldn’t understand.”
I wouldn’t have liked it, but he’s the one person I could understand for it.
“My hold on Jacob was automatic. I was ready to shield him from the worst, but that’s not what I got. He looked at him. A head-to-toe appraisal. I was ready for anything but what he did.”
“What did he do? If he so much as uttered a single word against my grandchild—” her voice risesin grandmotherly fury. “He’s an innocent child!”
“Mom, no. He was warm, really friendly to him. The Landon I remember. He got down on his level, held out his hand to shake it, said he was happy Jackson found a friend like Jacob.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I thought for sure if the day ever came that he saw him, I would see blame and disgust written all over his face. There wasn’t. I stood and watched. Saw them interact. Like how I imagined a father and son. It gripped my heart.
“Got me thinking, maybe Landon coming back and being in our lives won’t be so bad. This could work. It couldn’t work for us before, through no fault of our own. But for our kids, maybe it can.”
“So much has happened. There’s still so much more to face as he gets older, Lacey. Jacob asking about his birth father once in a while is just the beginning of things to come.”
“He’s not his father,” I say, with a low simmer of anger I don’t often feel when I think about who fathered my child. Because I try my damnedest not to think about it.
Sensing my increasing agitation, she nods, staying silent.
Now I feel bad for snapping at her. She’s been so great over the years. She has stepped up in a way I wouldn’t have believed. If it wasn’t for her and Shay, I couldn’t have raised Jacob to be the way he is. The three of us have spent the last six years shielding him from negativity and covering him with love.
“Mommy! I’m hungry! Is Grandma home? She said she was going to take me out on my bike today when Aunty Shay gets here. She’s going to take off my training wheels!”
We look at each other and smile. “Grandma’s here!” my mom yells up.
I wag my finger at her and yell back, “We don’t need to scream. Please come down if you need to talk to us.”
“But you’re screaming, Mom.”
“Jacob.”
“Sorry, Mom. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“You hear that?” I say, to my mom. “Things are going to be fine.” I turn around and get back to making dinner for my family, the four of us.
I hear my mother say in a small voice as she turns away, “I hope you’re right, for you as much as for Jacob.”
So do I.
