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I didn’t sleep for a long time after that, the guilt twisting my stomach as I swore, never again. Not even a passing thought.
CHAPTER9
LEANNE
“Roast chicken with vegetables? That takes hours! I can’t believe you made all this. I would’ve been happy with mac and cheese,” I said, hugging my dad again.
He had made my favorite supper from childhood, the comforting scent of rosemary and black pepper wafting through the rooms of the little house, the most comforting smell I knew.
“Just you wait. I’ve got orange sherbet for dessert. And I’ll even let you use a glass dish,” he said, teasing. I had always begged to use the ‘fancy bowls’ for ice cream and sherbet as a kid even though I was often clumsy and had broken at least one of them that I remembered.
“Then you must be really impressed with me after all,” I said.
“I’m proud of you, all the time. But this is a great opportunity for you, and when you told me what you wrote about in the application, it just took me back to that time, to when I was so worried about you in high school,” he said.
My dad turned away from me, supposedly to dish up the potatoes, but I knew he was composing himself. I’d put him through hell when I was a teenager, so confused and anxious myself and determined to control all the changes around me and within me by refusing to eat.
Not hunger strike style, but the sneaking, insidious way that I obsessively counted every bite and hid food I’d pretended to eat, flushing it down the toilet so he didn’t find it in the trash. And he’d had to go through the trash at one point trying to make sure I was eating instead of throwing my food out. If it weren’t for him, for his stubborn refusal to let me waste away, I wouldn’t be here at all. After raising me all on his own after my mom left, he had to fight my eating disorder when I was too weak to fight it myself. He was my hero, and the only person in my life I really knew I could always count on. I could never, ever make that up to him.
“I’m good, Dad. I promise. I’m mindful about my portions. I do a food diary one week a month to make sure I’m on target nutritionally, and my weight hasn't fluctuated this semester so far,” I assured him. “I have a counselor I can contact if I have a setback, and I have anxiety meds if I need them, which I sometimes do.”
“I know you’re in the driver’s seat now, baby girl. I just worry. Your old dad is gonna do that no matter what. I’m more pleased than I can say about your internship and how good your grades are, and most importantly, how healthy you are.”
“That means everything that I've made you proud. Thank you, Dad,” I said. “I brought you something.”
“What do I need? I have everything I want,” he said expansively, and I knew he meant it. A little house with the same car in the driveway that he taught me to drive on almost ten years ago. A healthy daughter in college, food on the table, and ESPN when it was time to relax. I hugged him impulsively.
“It’s this--” I handed him the voucher. “I let them use an excerpt from my term paper—the one about women and their body image in athletic advertising--in the copy for their landing page—and they gave me this as a bonus after they paid me.” I grinned broadly, knowing he could use a new pair of walking shoes and that he’d never splurge for this world-class brand. That I could give him a free pair of name-brand cross trainers, and all he had to do was show this voucher to be scanned at the store.
“Well, I’ll be. How’d they get your paper?”
“My instructor suggested I submit a copy to their PR because my research was sound, and my conclusions were highly favorable to their company’s optics. They liked what they saw and offered me a deal if they could use like three sentences, just pull a quote from the final paragraph of my paper and highlight it on their website. I’m credited and everything—it says ‘Leanne Mays, Kinesiology, UC-Berkeley’.”
“I wouldn’t mind seeing that. Will you send it to me?”
“Sure,” I said, grinning from ear to ear. “Will you go shoe shopping tomorrow?”
“Aw, I don’t know. I think if I don’t get them wet these could last another few months,” he joked, indicating his ratty sneaker that I knew came off a sidewalk sale at a strip mall discount store. “I’ll be happy to take you up on that offer, and what’s more, I'll brag about my brilliant daughter to everyone at that store who will listen.”
He kissed the top of my head, “I bet you will,” I said, “you’ll have them thinking I'm a Nobel Prize winner and the grand marshal of the Rose Parade and anything else you can think of.”
“I’ll brag all I want, baby girl,” he said. “I think we both earned it.”
“Here, I just sent you the link, and I also sent you the pair of shoes I think would be best for your needs. The sole structure is designed to increase stability and balance.”
“One time I trip over the garden hose when I'm outside after dark feeding a stray cat and you act like I'm an invalid. Why not just get me a walker? A wheelchair?” he joked.
“I thought I'd just put you in a full body cast and have the visiting nurses make sure you don’t break a hip when they wheel you out to go get the mail once a day,” I teased, and he laughed.
“All right then. You’re spoiling me and I guess I'll let you get away with it this time.”
“Send me a shoe selfie so I can see what you got,” I urged.
“I don’t know, maybe I'll make you come over and see for yourself, get an extra visit out of it,” he said mischievously.
After we said good night and I went home, I hopped in the shower. I had a long day tomorrow and didn’t need to waste any time getting to sleep. As I rinsed my hair though, I caught myself thinking of Aaron. I mean, Professor Parks. Not Aaron. I didn’t call him that because I was his student, not his friend. Not his lover.
Lover? Where did that come from? That was definitely off the table. Sure, if I met him in a bar or at a club, I'd smile at him and stare at him too long. But this was real life. I wasn’t checking him out on the dance floor, wondering if I should’ve put on perfume before I went out. I was sitting in his class, at a desk, taking notes when he spoke. Which he did, to educate me more thoroughly on the subject I’m majoring in. The attraction that was making my heart beat faster was beside the point.
