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“Hmm, so while you’re down there…” Luca trails off with a grin.
He’s cleaned up since this morning, wearing one of his team shirts, not as tight this time, but it still pulls around his biceps. A pair of shorts and sandals like he’s going to the beach and not to school on this chilly northeast fall morning.
I roll my eyes and walk away. Jemmy keeps up and now Luca is on our heels.
“Thanks for the flowers. The note was very touching,” he says, but I quicken my pace to get away from him. “Was it the carnations? Alex said they were in poor taste. I’ve never picked out flowers for anyone before except my mom or my sisters. But I guess that’s different.”
Does he even have class this early? Doesn’t the hockey team have morning practice?
“Can you at least tell me why? So I can fix it. Don’t be one of those girls. I’m not a mind reader.”
I don’t want to talk to him, but I don’t want it to look like I’m ignoring him for attention. Especially not after what Jemmy just said. I need to stand up for myself.
I stop abruptly and turn around. Luca is so close he nearly falls on top of me. I keep my hands to myself and brace for impact, but he’s quick. He stops and holds my shoulders so I don’t fall back.
I shake him off, along with the electric shocks he’s left behind.
“You can’t just fix who you are and everything you’ve said. Whether it was last year or the year before that. It doesn’t matter! I’m not asking for an apology. I’m not looking for you to read my mind. I want you to leave me alone.” He bites his lip, visibly upset, but I was too at one time. His actions and his words cut deep, and we were never friends. I don’t need an apology from him, no matter how sincere he is. “Just let me go back to being invisible to you and we can forget all about that stupid blind date.”
Why did I throw his words back at him? He said I was invisible. It hurt at first, but I’ve moved on. It was a long time ago. Even if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t matter. Nothing he said changes the way I live. But it doesn’t mean I have to talk to him.
“Stop following me,” I add, before turning away. Jemmy rushes to catch up with me. “You too. Don’t you have class to get to?”
I don’t want to deal with anyone right now. She gets the hint, giving my shoulder a pat before heading off to her class.
I’m a loner. Always have been and always will be. That’s not really true. I have friends, but it always comes down to me taking care of myself. I don’t need anyone to console me.
I haven’t needed or had a shoulder to cry on in a very long time. I like the occasional accompaniment here or there, but when it comes down to it, I prefer to be alone.
Hannah made me forget that, but she’s not here anymore. I’ve spent most of my life fighting my own battles, and was able to take care of myself when things got tough. I don’t need anyone taking pity on me, and I don’t need anyone apologizing for something that made me feel bad for two seconds.
Brush it off and move on.
The only person who really got to me is Luca. He hit the deepest parts of me as if he could see right through me.
He may have been a good fuck, but I’m not blind. It’s not enough to redeem all his faults. I see right through his charm, just like he sees through my walls. And I’m better off forgetting about him.
Good riddance, Luca Kingivson.
Chapter 9
Luca
Fuck.Is it everything I’ve done rolled up into a single puck aimed right at the chest?
She said she was invisible, but she’s never been invisible to me. I always know when she walks into a room without even seeing her. I avoided looking in her direction, but I always knew when she was there.
I can’t do anything now. The hurt in her eyes was enough for me to back down. There has to be something big I did to make her feel this strongly. There has to be something I can do to make it right.
I’m not an alcoholic. It’s not like I had this uncontrollable urge to drink, but I spent most of last year in a drunken state. Only at night and never enough to completely destroy my game. I spent most of my time in the gym or training on the ice. Barely making it through classes and then drinking until I felt nothing and could go to sleep. I was bordering on becoming an alcoholic if I hadn’t stopped. I’ve never had a problem before, but last year I wanted to black out and forget.
I handled my brother’s illness and passing poorly. It took a grief counselor and my friends to make me see how bad I was. I spent the end of last semester and the summer working through it without the assistance of alcohol. Having my friends kick my ass and tell me my drinking was a problem puts things into perspective. I was heading down a destructive path, but all that was behind me now.
My memories keep popping up in my dreams, but I know they’re real. I haven’t truly forgotten them, but I had pushed them back like everything else. Every painful memory of shit I regret has been tossed away and buried in my subconscious.
I don’t know what day it was. I can tell it was winter by the sweater she’s wearing. There’s no one else there. Why was she here? There’s no party going on. Why is she walking into my kitchen?
Glancing back over my shoulder, I see her with her hair pulled back and red waves bouncing behind her. The chunky sweater she’s wearing is wrapped around her waist, accentuating her hips, and her heeled boots are giving her more height as they click on our wood floors.
