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I could’ve gone after her. I could’ve begged her to forgive me—to understand. But that would only bring us back to the same place we’d just been in. With her wanting to understand, and me unwilling and unable to explain.
Interlocking my fingers on top of my head, I turned and barked out a curse as I shoved my foot against the bed, sending it crashing against the wall.
All I’d wanted was to keep Maci in the dark so I could keep her a little longer. But I’d still pushed her away with my compulsive need to protect my sister and shield people from our past. It’s funny how, no matter what path I took, I lost Maci in the end.
* * *
Amy had spent the past two hours carefully watching me, and I’d hated every minute as I waited for her to go all mom mode on me. I knew it was coming, just as I knew she’d see through any bullshit I tried throwing at her.
“All right.” A sigh left me as I sat up with Ben in my arms. Lifting my chin at Amy to let her know I was ready for everything she was clearly musing over, I prompted, “Let’s get it over with.”
One side of her mouth lifted in a sympathetic smile. “What happened between you and Maci?”
A bitter laugh bled from me, knowing I was that easy to read. But instead of pretending not to know what she was talking about, I dove right into the entire mess from this morning. From the dreams and waking with Maci in my arms to our argument and her walking out.
“You still haven’t told her about us?” she asked a while after I’d finished explaining.
“Still?” I drew the word out, letting it drip with confusion and surprise. “I don’t know what you mean by ‘still.’ We haven’t been seeing each other long.”
“You told Cassidy in your first real conversation with her, and you weren’t even seeing her,” she said accusingly.
“Cassidy was different, and you know that. She had a past worse than ours. She understood.”
“Okay, but you weren’t in love with her.”
“I’m sorry?” I waited for Amy to correct herself or for me to realize I’d heard her wrong. But the challenging look in her eyes let me know neither would happen. “I’m not in love with Maci either.”
“Maybe not yet,” she said doubtfully. “But she’s different for you; you can’t deny that.”
When Ben started squirming, I set him on the floor and watched him crawl between us for a minute before admitting, “It doesn’t matter. Nothing can come of it.”
“Why not, Connor? What’s so wrong with marrying Maci Price?” she asked as if that was the natural next step in our conversation, or in mine and Maci’s relationship, when it absolutely wasn’t. Amy knew it wasn’t.
But instead of the bemusement I should’ve felt, instead of laughing at Amy’s inane jump, all I felt was horror as all those nightmares came rushing back. “I can’t marry her.”
“You would have married Cassidy.”
“She would have understood,” I snapped, the words bursting from me as I fought images that terrified me. “She would have understood everything, Amy.”
“Kevin didn’t have our past,” Amy whispered as sadness stole across her expression. “Was it wrong for me to marry him? Was it wrong for me to have Ben?”
“Amy...” A sigh ripped from me, and I lowered my head into my hands. Dragging my fingers through my hair repeatedly before I met my sister’s patient stare. “You don’t have problems with your anger like I do.”
“You don’t have a problem with your anger,” she countered gently. “You’re afraid of getting angry because of an asshole who took his anger with our mother out on us. But we don’t even have his genes, Connor.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I don’t because, if anything, you should’ve worried about developing a drug problem since Mom sold herself to get coke, and our biological fathers probably used too. But the man you’ve always been afraid of was just a man. Just our mother’s husband. Nothing more.”
I stared just past her, chewing on the inside of my cheek, trying to stop myself from saying the words gathered on my tongue. But in the end, they still came out.
“When we were adopted, you were terrified of men you didn’t know. You shook whenever one came remotely close to you. And it took years of being asked out by guys from school before you finally said yes, and you still came home crying because you were afraid he would turn out just like him. Until Kevin came along, the only men you trusted were me and Dad,” I reminded her coldly, then pressed a hand to my chest as my gaze shifted to her again.
“I have nightmares of being him,” I went on as those images played out in my mind like a twisted slideshow. “I have nightmares of beating my future family that feel so fucking real, I have to convince myself over and over again that I haven’t done anything once I’ve woken. I never once judged you for your fears; I was just there for you. So, don’t judge me for mine.”
“I just want you to be happy,” she choked out as her eyes filled with tears, making my stomach drop.
A curse fell from my lips on a breath. “Amy, I’m sorry.”
