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She frowned as she looked up at me. There were too many people around for me to grab her hand. I didn’t know what we were, so I damn sure wouldn't be able to explain physical affection to anyone. She didn't seem to know what we were either, preferring to keep it that way until the competition was over. I didn't mind the wait, but I did mind that she wouldn't talk about her pain.
I could be falling into bad habits again, being the fixer of those around me. I was starting to wonder if that was so bad. I’d been so resentful of the role, I'd run from it for months. Maybe it wasn't about the role at all but instead, balance. As I tried to help Noah, I wasn't bogged down by guilt or resentment. To have her lean on me felt like it'd strengthen me, not break me. She didn't want more than I could give her. Whatever I offered seemed to be enough.
"I'm good," Noah promised.
I reached out, hooking my fingers around the cuff of her cardigan. The yarn was a fuzzy, cozy yellow, matching the sun.
"Okay." I clutched the cuff for a second longer before letting go. I'd run out of excuses to stay on her side of the cubicle, so I moved back to my side, still concerned.
We worked for hours without looking up from our screens. Noah had an occasional moment of mumbling, but other than that, she was silent. I tried to lighten the mood halfway through the day by drawing in the sketchbook we basically share now. Once I deposited my latest drawing on her desk, she barely looked at it, giving me a half-hearted smile before turning back to her work.
My worry briefly disappeared when she tugged me into an empty conference room to kiss me. The action was a surprise that I refused to question.
"I'm okay," Noah whispered between kisses. "You're okay. We're okay."
I couldn't help but notice how hitched her voice was. She was trying to convince herself, and I let her have the fantasy for now.
By the end of the day, I'd prepared a speech to convince her to take the night off, but I didn’t get a single word out, because my phone buzzed with a call from Ash. My breathing went shallow. Ash never called me. He still hadn't responded to any of my messages about the savings account. For some reason, I had a feeling this wasn’t about that.
"What's up?" I answered in a low voice. People were getting up from their desks, saying their goodbyes, getting into last-minute chats for the day. I turned away from the aisle and bent over my desk to create some privacy. Noah's chair squeaked, a telltale sign she'd turned to me. I didn't look up, focused on a drawing Marissa made for me at the beginning of the year—me with a black cat and a witch's hat. She thought I was a witch when she first met me, and I played into the character, since she seemed to love it. I imagined having magic powers as Ash broke the news about TJ. I didn't realize he was done until the call ended, and Noah's hand was heavy on my shoulder.
"What happened?" she asked.
"Nothing." My throat felt as if it was about to close soon, so I forced myself to say the next part quickly. "I can't stick around tonight."
Noah nodded. "Okay. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”
I opened my mouth ready to deny it, but then I made the mistake of meeting her gaze. Something unfolded in me. All the barriers I'd put up felt ready to cave, because I didn't want a single one of them against her anymore. She had been the one person who pushed me to become better these past few months. If I didn't let her in then, would I ever let anyone?
Loneliness had been a blessing in my past, kept my anger at bay and my frustration to a minimum. Yet, here I was, tempted now more than ever to break my rule for her. She was better than lonely; possibly as safe, if not more so if I woman-ed up and gave her a chance.
"It's my brother," I confessed as I stood up and started packing my bag.
"Is he okay?" Noah helped with straightening up my desk. She moved things with ease, knowing exactly where I liked to place my extra pens and wired headphones, a clear marker of her paying as much extra attention to me, just as I had been doing with her.
"He's in the hospital," I said. "Stable, but my other brother, Ash, sounded scared."
She picked at her nail as she asked, "Is there anything I can do?"
I rested my hand on hers. "Take lots of breaks, and don't forget your stretches."
Her eyes softened. "I meant for you. I could come with you."
My stomach churned at the thought of her having to see how I acted around my family. I felt so weak around them, and that was nothing close to the Sage she was used to seeing.
"I'm fine," I told her. "I'll figure it out. I always do."
Mom and Ash were in the waiting room. The second I got there, the tension in their faces loosened slightly. Whatever anger that lingered between Ash and I faded as soon as we locked eyes. I hadn't seen him in almost a year, but he looked at least three years older. His hair had grown out and was locing on its own in large sections. He still wore a silver chain around his neck, with a plastic ring he'd exchanged with his on and off again girlfriend from high school. His skin was a leathery brown, hinting at too much time spent in the sun and too little sunscreen. For a second, my mind was sidetracked, getting frustrated by his insistence that Black people didn't need SPF.
I could see the fear in Ash's gaze, and it's a time machine, transporting me to when we were kids. He was the baby brother through and through, me the big sister who knows how to solve everything. The weight came back, and I gathered every bit of strength left to hold it in place.
"What happened?" I asked once I stopped in front of them. My voice was rock hard, steadier than the pounding in my chest. I planted my feet into the ground, promising myself I will be unmovable.
Mom stared at the wall across from her in silence. There were paintings of neutral-colored blobs floating in a white space—hospital decor's neutrality should be relaxing, but it always came off as sinister to me. I didn't like the idea of art being safe. I knew the soft colors and shapes were supposed to invoke a sense of calm, but all it did was make me want to tear it off the wall.
"He got into an accident last night," Ash said. He squeezed Mom's shoulder before nudging his chin for me to follow him, and I glanced at Mom once more. It didn’t look like she was going to move from her spot anytime soon, so I followed my brother to the corner of the room.
"You called me at five," I said, trying my best not to sound accusatory. "Why did you wait so late?"
