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“I have seven lives,” TJ reminded me. “There was never anything to worry about.”
“You’re down to three, max,” Ash grumbled.
“He’s right,” I agreed. “And don’t think because I’m feeling a little emotional that I’m not upset.”
“Can I finish my food before you start lecturing me?” he complained.
I shook my head. “I’m not lecturing.”
“You’re not?” they asked in unison.
“Nope.” I’d made a lot of decisions on the ride over, most of which involved doing what was best for me. It was hard, and I knew I was going to feel like shit after, but it had to be done. If I didn’t make a change now, I would go back to my burnout state. Next time, I might not be so lucky.
“Then what are you going to do?” TJ lowered his burger, no longer starved.
“I’m going to listen to whatever plan Ash has,” I said simply.
Ash’s laugh is awkward and stunted. “I don’t have one.”
“You called a meeting.” I leaned back into my chair, hoping the relaxed position would let them know I was taking a back seat.
“I thought that’s what we should do. It’s what we always do,” he explained.
“I always do,” I corrected.
“There she is,” TJ joked.
I made a noise of disapproval. “No. I’m not…I can’t run this show anymore. I have nothing left.”
TJ frowned—or at least, he got as close to frowning as he could get. Ash looked down at his book, playing with the already-bent corner of the cover.
“I wish I did.” I swallowed, trying to gather my thoughts so everything made sense, so they knew I was serious this time. “When I went ghost, I sat in my apartment for weeks, alone. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t take care of myself. No food for days until my body started begging me. Even then, I gave it the bare minimum it needed to survive because I wasn’t sure…I wasn’t sure I wanted to.”
There it was, the thing I’d been most afraid of. I hadn’t wanted anyone to know I’d gotten to that point, passively suicidal and thinking my death would at least help my family get a large sum of money from my company’s life insurance policy.
“Sage.” Ash pressed his book to his chin as he tried to figure out what else to say, but it’s TJ who got words out first.
“You didn’t say anything.”
“What was there to say?” I shrugged. “That I wanted to die? How was that helpful?”
“You didn’t have to be helpful,” he whispered.
“Oh, but I did. Who else was going to keep the lights on?”
They were quiet, and they wouldn’t look me in the eye anymore. I wasn’t as ashamed of the truth as I thought I’d be; there was a calm relief that unraveled in my chest. My visions had become far more colorful since going back to work, but now, I was processing the blues in TJ’s blanket more. The paper wrapper of his burger was a brighter yellow than I originally thought, Ash’s tee shirt a deeper red. The black and white I'd gotten used to during my lowest moment was gone.
“The money in the savings account is for whatever you guys need,” I said. “After today, I’m not depositing anything from my check anymore. If you guys need more cash, I’ll offer one freebie a year."
The offer felt like a fair one—I'd gone back and forth on the ride over. No part of me could separate myself from them entirely, but I could start with this boundary.
"The endless flow of money stops today." I paused for a moment to consider if I wanted to go this far. I had to. It was this or infinitely repeating the same loop. "Because I need to figure out what I want without being scared out of my mind that you guys won’t make it. You guys can make it without me; I’ve just never given you the chance. This is your chance.”
They didn’t say a word at first, the AC was the only noise in the room, whistling between us.
"I think it's kind of selfish for you to say this when I'm in a literal hospital bed," TJ said, point blank.
"T," Ash warned.
