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Instead, I need an excuse for leaving the apartment without a word. William ran after me. He clearly knows something is wrong.
“I wanted some air,” I say at last, the slightest wobble in my tone.
He turns his head. His skin is flushed, and his hair is messy. He hasn’t shaved or showered yet this morning and went to bed with his hair damp last night. His breath is still coming out in fast pants.
He must have really been booking it.
“Did you?” he asks hoarsely.
“Did you think I freaked out?”
“Yes.” He says the words on a bitterly amused huff. “That’s what I thought.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I just needed… I wanted…” I have no idea how to finish the sentence because everything I truly want is sitting on the bench beside me right now. What I was doing earlier wasn’t what I wanted. It was a last gasp of guilt and confusion.
He’s thinking. I can see it on his face. His brain is working through some sort of complex problem with his typical sharp intelligence. He finally says softly, “I know neither of us intended to have sex earlier. I should have stopped to clear up the ambiguity, but I wasn’t… I wasn’t awake enough to make good decisions. I am sorry about that. If it’s bothering you, if it’s not what you want, we can agree not to do it again. I won’t slip up again.”
“No, William, don’t take it all on you. I’m just as much at fault. I wasn’t fully awake either, but I did want…” I pause to clear my throat. “I wanted it. I did. Things for me are just… really messy.”
He’s quiet again for a full minute, staring at a spot in front of him, thinking hard. “If they’re too messy,” he says at last. “If it’s too much for you, if you want to leave, you can. I won’t stop you. I can help you.”
The offer is so kindhearted and so reluctant at the same time, I make a helpless whimper. This is my chance. He’s set me up for it perfectly. I could tell him the truth and explain how I need a new identity. He has the resources to get me one that Montaigne will never discover.
But he’s being a decent guy and letting Amber out of her contract with him. He’s not offering to save the woman who lied her way into his house and his bed.
And, besides, the crux of the matter still hasn’t changed.
I simply don’t want to leave.
“That’s not what I want,” I tell him, rubbing my face and trying to figure out what’s the best thing to do. “I just needed… some air.”
“Okay.”
We sit some more in silence. His breathing has finally slowed, but I can still hear him inhale and exhale. It almost feels like I can hear the gears of his mind working.
Mine is mostly a blank.
“The truth is,” William says at last, “things are messy for me too.”
“I know they are.”
He’s going to end it now. I know it for sure. And I hate it—hate it—even knowing it will make my decisions from here on out so much simpler.
“So what if we…” He shifts his position on the bench so he’s halfway facing me. “What if we were to—for now—put the mess behind us?”
“What?” My eyes widen. My lips part. This isn’t at all what I expected, and I have no idea where he’s going with it.
“What if we press pause on the mess for a while? So we can take the time to see what this thing actually is.” He gestures with his hand between the two of us, indicating the nature ofthis thing. “Then later, if we decide it’s worth it, we can dig into the mess and try to sort it out.”
It’s like a dream. Like the answer to a prayer. Like a wish come to life. Putting off everything that’s tearing me up for a while and having a safe space to be with William.
It shouldn’t have been possible, but he’s making it so.
“You’d be okay…” I’m speaking in breathless gasps, so I have to start again. “You want that?”
“Honestly, I’m not remotely sure what I want. I guarantee I’m as confused as you are. But I do know this.” He clears his throat. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“I don’t want to leave either,” I say in almost a whisper.
