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He’s sitting up on the side of his bed, holding his phone in both hands. His face is sober as I walk over to my bed and sit down on the edge facing him.
“I’m sorry,” he says before I can think of anything to say. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was a... an impulse, a spontaneous thing, but I should have known it would upset you. I’m sorry.”
I nod. I understand exactly what he’s saying and why he’s saying it. He’s worried the kiss has messed up our relationship, and he’s trying to defuse the bomb.
I want the exact same thing.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I manage to say.
His brows lower in that way they have, creating four horizontal lines on his forehead. “Yes, it was. I kissed you.”
“No. Yes, you did. The first time. But then I kissed you back. The second time was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault. We both did it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Unless...” He shifts slightly, ducking his head to see my expression better since I’m trying to hide behind my hair. “Unless you want it to be.”
I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I’m too scared to dig into it too deeply. “I don’t want it to be a big deal. I just wasn’t expecting... expecting...”
“It to be good?”
“Right. It... took me off guard.”
“I know it did.” He lets out a long exhale. “That’s why I shouldn’t have started it. We’re friends. We’ve always been friends. That’s what’s most important.”
I nod urgently, lifting my head as I do. “We can’t let anything mess that up.”
“So we won’t. We’ll decide not to let anything get in the way of our friendship, and we’ll hold ourselves to it. Why can’t we do that?”
“I don’t know. It seems... tricky.”
He shrugs. “Why should it be? So now we know we’ve got this chemistry between us, but it doesn’t have to change things. You don’t have to pursue things with everyone you have chemistry with. It can just be there but not paid any attention to.”
“You think so?” For the first time, the storm of emotions is starting to settle into something like hope.
“Yes. I think so. You can have chemistry with all kinds of people. You can have chemistry with people you’ve never met. Chemistry isn’t the most important thing, and people get into all kinds of trouble when they assume it is. We don’t have to do that. Not if we don’t want to.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
I exhale and rub my face, like I’m trying to wake myself up. “Okay. Let’s try it then. I can’t let anything get in the way of what we have.”
“So we won’t. I get it.” He stands up. Gazes down at me.
I meet his eyes. “I can’t lose you, Chase,” I say in a slightly wobbly voice. “You’re too important to me.”
“I get it,” he says, thicker now. Slightly hoarse. “Can you stand up?”
“Why?”
“Because I want to hug you, if you’ll let me.”
I stand up instinctively. When he reaches out, I hesitate. “Just a hug?”
“Yes. Just a hug.” After a moment, he adds, “I need it, Paige.”
There’s no way I can resist the slight vulnerability in his tone. With a little moan, I reach out to him with both hands, and he draws me into a tight hug.
I shake against him for a minute, burying my face in his thick Christmas sweater.
