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I still don’t fully understand why he didn’t want me after all, when he acted so much like he did.
Maybe I never will understand.
Hearing the full explanation would likely take its toll on my confidence and self-image. The no is enough. I don’t have to know exactly why.
I go to my parents’ as always in the morning for a big breakfast and our presents. We don’t eat our Christmas dinner until around four, so after presents there’s a lull before we start cooking.
My dad takes a nap in his recliner. My mom turns on an old holiday movie and picks up her knitting.
I decide to go for a walk.
First I head for my own house, which is just a mile and a half away. I can get Chase’s present and drop it off on his porch. That way it will be done and no longer hanging over me.
Then I can try to move on.
How is it possibly going to work? How am I going to go to the coffee shop every day and see him there? I’m going to have to change my entire routine. Miss out on time with my friends and that feeling of community.
He works there. I can hardly ask him to stop showing up himself.
It will have to be me who withdraws, which means I’ll lose not just him but also so much else.
I’m crying a little as I walk but not completely falling apart. I’m too distracted to pay attention to my surroundings, so a voice calling out from across the street startles me so much I actually jump.
It’s my friends. Rafe and Julianna. And Carlton and Joey. They’ve always been really close and evidently are taking a late-morning Christmas walk like me.
Only not like me. They’re clearly all in very good moods.
I cross over to say hello since it seems like the only polite thing to do. As soon as I approach, Julianna asks, “Oh no, what’s wrong?”
I shake my head with a smile. I was crying just a minute ago, but there’s nothing I can do about the evidence on my face. “Nothing. Merry Christmas.”
Joey and Julianna look at each other and then turn to give significant glances to their men. The message is clearly communicated without words because Rafe says he and Carlton have something to do for a few minutes and the men leave me alone with the women.
“I’m fine,” I say, touched and embarrassed both. “I don’t need any emergency bolstering.”
“Well, you can at least tell us what’s going on,” Joey says. “Is it Chase?”
I open my mouth to deny it, but it’s futile and silly. It feels wrong to lie. “Yeah. But it’s Christmas. Y’all don’t need to—”
“I thought things were going well,” Julianna says. “It sounded from your messages like things were... good. I thought you’d finally get together.”
I shrug, helpless and emotional again. “I thought they were good. But they weren’t.”
“Was it too fast for you?” Joey asks with a frown. “Did you get scared? I know it can be overwhelming, a relationship changing like that. But I’m sure Chase wouldn’t mind going slow until you got used to things.”
Now I’m confused. I frown back at her. “It wasn’t too fast for me. It was too fast for him.”
“What?” Julianna asks sharply.
“What?” Joey says at exactly the same time.
Their shocked reaction is flustering me. A couple of new tears slip out as I put the terrible truth into words. “He said we moved too fast, and he couldn’t do it anymore.”
“No!” Joey looks utterly outraged. “No way he said that!”
“I can’t believe it,” Julianna says, softer but equally confused.
“That’s what he told me. Last night. I thought things were...” My shoulders shake in nearly silent sobs. “I thought they were good, but they weren’t. Not for him anyway.”
