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Instead of saying any of that, though, I tell her the simple version of the truth.
Me 11:37 AM
Your daughter means more to me than the majority of the people in my life already, so I imagine the rest is redundant.
Olivia 11:40 AM
Don’t say things you don’t mean.
Her piece of shit ex must have done a number on her, causing her walls to be a lot thicker than I initially thought. Either way, a fucking canyon couldn’t keep me from her.
Me 11:42AM
There isn’t a single reason I’d lie to you. But I’m also not going to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to.
There, it’s on the table, and it’s up to her as to what she wants to do with it. When she doesn’t respond for a few minutes, and the bubbles don’t appear, I lean back in my chair to gaze out of my mother’s office window. It’s positioned at the perfect angle to see the second floor where her room is.
Even though I know she isn’t in there, my eyes bore into the brick wall as if I’ll be able to see through it. As if I’ll be able to see her. I wish I could reach out and show her just how serious I am.
How I’m nothing like her ex and have every intention of treating her how she should have been treated from day one.
Guess I’ll have to wait till four.
Iread our text exchange a dozen times over, disbelief and excitement threading tight in my chest.
While part of me feels as if I shouldn’t be considering any type of relationship right now, the other questions why not.
I’ve been divorced for four years, and am financially stable with a great job. I’m in an amazing space and have no valid reason as to why I shouldn’t put myself out there again.
I could use the same reasoning I have since the beginning and say it’s because I’m a mother. But casual dating—mindless sex—isn’t even something that Lyn would know about, so it feels fruitless to use it as a continued excuse.
What I can say causes me the most hesitation is that Theo is twenty-five. If my ex is any indication, Theo’s got a lot of time left before he should want to settle down with one person. Before he should want to become a father.
And no matter how much I’m attracted to him and wish it weren't the case, it’s also statistically a fact. One I looked up and studied the moment Sam told me he wanted to leave. I’m a numbers person, and I needed to ease my mind. I needed to prove that he was just an asshole I had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting.
But he was right. At least enough that I realized his words had merit.
Ninety percent of men entertain the idea of marriage when they're in their early to mid-thirties—a stage I’m already in. One Theo still has almost a decade before he reaches.
I don’t have time or the energy to waste ten years waiting for Theo, all for him to decide I’m not the one he wants.
But he said he wanted me.
No, he said he wanted to have dinner with me. Get to know me. In no world is that the same thing.
Who the hell said anything about casual?
Ugh.I stab my fork into the delicious salad I’ve been neglecting. Am I making things more complicated than they are? Or are they actually this conflicting?
I wish I didn't have this protective wall so firmly in place. I wish I weren’t scared of a little heartbreak. Hell, I wish I was okay with casual dating and mindless sex.
But now that Theo’s outright said what we’ve been skating over for years, it’s impossible not to want to try. But the incessant insecurity gnaws at my insides, warning me to be careful.
The wheels of my mind begin to turn, ideas of how we could both get a bit of what we both want formulating in my mind.
Maybe if it was just tonight.
A night I have without Lyn and fifteen hours to do whatever my little heart desires. I could have him come for dinner. I’m sure we could add another plate to my reservation. Then if things heat up, perhaps we can release the tension—the curiosity—once and for all.
