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“Right, you like to draw.” I could hear the smile in his tone.
“Liked,” I corrected, turning to face him. “Have you seen my dad?”
He frowned. A second later, his face relaxed into his typical boyish grin. Something about it felt forced. “Yeah, they’re outside. I passed them on my way in.”
We both made our way through the living room and into the kitchen, headed towards the backyard. Marlena was standing over the stove when she looked up at us and smiled. “Look at our two teachers!”
I rolled my eyes, catching a glimpse of Carter doing the same. The matching expressions on our faces made it difficult for me not to smile. I wondered if he’d been having the same experience with his students that I had. The only word I felt capable of using to describe mine was… challenging. It almost seemed as if having one short class period per day wasn’t enough time to get out their creative energy. Knowing they’d have to pack it into just forty-five minutes made them wild and restless. At least I could throw paint at them and let them do what they wanted with it, for the most part. Carter had described photography as being calculated, requiring patience. Two things, I’m sure, were next to impossible to teach middle schoolers.
The door that led to the backyard opened, both of our fathers stepping through. “Hi, Penny. What’re you doing here?” my dad asked.
“I was saying, look at our two teachers. Aren’t you so proud of them?” Lena beamed. I’d always admired the way she loved Carter as if he was her own. I imagined it wasn’t hard– loving him. She’d been with Tom since Carter was five, but even so, it was clear she’d taken over a mother role for him simply because she wanted to. There was no obligation in the way she looked at him, the way she hugged him. He was her son. “Can you get me the pasta out of the pantry, Carter?” she asked.
Carter stiffened briefly before nodding. A blush creeped up my neck. Suddenly the room felt like it was closing in around me. The Edwards's kitchen was big enough to prepare food for an army, but it seemed entirely too small at that moment. “Mom wanted me to run over and let you know she needs you to come home for dinner, but I actually have a bunch of grading I need to get to so I’m going to head back,” I said, suddenly remembering why I’d come over in the first place.
I circled the island counter and made my way through the open doorway that led back to the front of the house when Carter’s voice startled me. “Penelope.” There was a slight irritation to his tone that caught the attention of our parents too. He handed Lena the box of pasta and walked towards me. “I need to talk to you about that… project you were working on for class.”
I gulped audibly. The tension that had existed between just the two of us was now floating all around the room, visible to our parents too. I nodded slowly before continuing out of the house, Carter at my heels.
“Do you want me to quit this job?” he asked once we had made it past the front door.
My face contorted with confusion. “Why would you ask that?”
“You can’t seem to stand being in the same room as me. It’s as if the initial shock wore off from learning we’d be working together, and now you get irritated by my presence. Like I’m not good enough to breathe the same air as you. It’s honestly quite insulting. Would you prefer that I quit my job so we don’t have to be around each other?”
I opened my mouth and clamped it shut, then opened it again. “No, of course not,” I said, finally.
He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose. “Then I’m going to need you to cut the shit with the cold shoulder, Penelope. You’re making it hard for me to feel comfortable at work, and now inside my parents’ house too. That’s not fair to me. I told you I wanted to talk about it, and you weren’t willing. So, if there is something you want to say to me, say it. If there isn’t, then act right. What you’re doing right now is immature and a little cruel, even.”
I bit down on my lip, hard. My body was vibrating with emotion. I wanted to get defensive, but I couldn’t. He was completely right, and I knew it. Except, he’d never spoken to me like that before. He had always handled me so carefully, like he thought I’d break. I kind of expected him to do the same now. “I’m sorry.”
He stepped back like he was surprised by my reaction. Running his hand through his hair, he stared down at his feet. I took the opportunity to look at him since he wasn’t looking at me. He had on dark gray sweatpants that hung low on his hips, and a black t-shirt that fit him too well. I could just make out a tattoo on his bicep, peeking out from his shirt sleeve. Not enough to tell what it could be, but enough to know it was there. It made me curious. “It’s fine, Pep. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. It’s just… I don’t know what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything, Carter. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s me,” I whispered, realizing I had only considered what pushing him away was doing for me but hadn’t considered how it must’ve been making him feel.
“Is it… were you…upset? After it happened? Have you been walking around pissed off at me for half of a decade?”
I shook my head. “No, I wasn’t upset.” I thought back to what Macie had said earlier. I knew she was right. It was time to clear the air between us, and Carter’s honesty had made me feel brave. “But I never moved on from it. It happened rapidly, and then it was over. It feels like the two of us stood frozen in time, but the rest of our lives kept going. I don’t know what to do now.”
“Me either,” he said. We both stared after each other for several long moments.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“I’m sorry too.” Just like that, the air was cleared. It had always been that easy with him. “But just because we don’t know how to move forward doesn’t mean we need to shut each other out. We’re going to be around each other for at least the next couple of months. We might as well try and make the best of it, right?”
Ever the optimist.
I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to be cordial. I wanted to be able to work together. I even wanted to be his friend, maybe. I wasn’t sure I could. I wasn’t sure I could breathe him in, watch him laugh. I was afraid that any relationship I had with him would have me falling once again. I was terrified of falling for him and not being caught; but even more, I was terrified of him catching me and dropping me later. Once he realized I was no longer the person he thought he knew.
Yet, watching his face fall every time I iced him out didn’t feel much better. It appeared that regardless of the route I took, it’d likely end in my own heartbreak. So, for the first time in a long time, I decided not to be selfish. I’d give him the best of the situation he was seeking, I’d give him friendship, even. And I’d expect nothing in return.
“Yeah, we should,” I found myself saying.
“You know, despite your barbarous demeanor, you’re still one of my favorite people in the world.” He smiled at me, teeth gleaming.
The way his skin sparkled in the sun made me feel things that I shouldn’t be feeling. Things that would most definitely hurt me later. “Yeah, yeah, you too,” I muttered with a grin.
Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hard to smile like that with him.
