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Me:I have a ton of work to catch up on
Me:I’ll come to the hospital this afternoon
Me:Want me to bring lunch?
Astrid:Yes pls! TY!
Astrid:I’m sorry Gunnar’s not back yet.confused emoji
Astrid:But I’m sure he’s okay
Me:Thanks. I’ll text you when I’m on my way
Thankfully, I have so much work to catch up on that I don’t think about Gunnareveryminute. Just everyotherminute. I really don’t know how to feel about things. I keep bouncing back and forth between worried sick and utterly furious with him. In spite of it, I actually manage to get a lot of work done, and before I know it, it’s time to get lunch and go to the hospital.
Me:On my way
Astrid:Kk. Any chance you can bring pizza?
Astrid:I’m in the mood for anchovies!
I make a sour face because that’s disgusting.
Me: Getting you a small for yourself
Me:that’s justnauseated_face emoji
Me:I’ll bring a few normal pizzas for the rest of us
Me:Stuck_out_tongue emojiShould I get anything else?
Astrid:No. But thanks for bringing us edible food
I look up the number for a pizza place close to the hospital and phone in an order for a small anchovy pizza, a large cheese and mushroom, and a large cheese and sausage. That should cover everyone’s preferences. They can pick off what they don’t like.
Half an hour later, Astrid all but attacks me as I carry the pizzas into the waiting room. “Mmmmm! That smells divine!” She plucks the smallest box from the top of the stack and opens it, beaming at me. “You’re thebestbest friend ever. Thank you!“ She leans over and kisses my cheek.
I put the other pizzas on the small table and open a box at random, grabbing a piece of whatever is there, then take a bite. It doesn’t matter what it is at this point. I don’t have much of an appetite, mostly going through the motions of eating because I know I should.
Gary and I take a few slices each, send the rest of the pizza into Bjorn’s room for Erik and Jules, and then wait. And wait. Late into the afternoon, Jules pokes his head into the waiting room, obvious relief on his face, grinning hugely. “Bjorn’s awake.”
Astrid jumps up and rushes for Bjorn’s room. When she reappears a little while later, she’s red-eyed, but smiling. “He’s fine. He sounds like himself, although he’s very tired and still pale.” She sits next to Gary, leaning into him, and he wraps his arms around her, offering her comfort and support. She leans into him and I’ve never felt more alone or out of place. I’m happy Bjorn will be fine. Relieved for my friends. But I have little business being here for this very personal family moment, and I know it. I stand and clear my throat. “That’s great news. Please tell him I said hello, and I’m glad he’s doing better.”
Astrid glances up at me, confusion in her eyes. “Are you leaving?”
“Yes. I still have a ton of work to do, and poor Dracona has been alone a lot.” I don’t look at Gary or Astrid. “I’ll maybe stop by tomorrow, if I get caught up on the work stuff.” The uncomfortable silence confirms we all know that won’t happen. “Anyway, goodnight. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I’m sure.”
Astrid jumps up and throws her arms around me, holding me close. “Thank you for everything. Thank you for being here for us. For Gunnar. You are always welcome. You know that, right? With or without Gunnar around. You’re my best friend, and I love you.”
I blink back tears and squeeze her tightly. “Thank you.” It comes out as a whisper, but I know she hears because she squeezes me harder. Stepping back, she takes my hands. “Be careful going home.”
With a nod, I wave to Gary and head for the elevators, making it out of the hospital parking garage and back to my building in record time, mostly because I speed the whole way. Once I’m home, I allow myself to feel the full weight of just how embarrassing and awkward the situation at the hospital had been. Gunnar put me in that position. His unwillingness to communicate is making everyone who loves him worry, and it’s utterly selfish. And juvenile.
Storming out of the elevator, I throw my keys on the dining table, my coat over a chair, then pour myself a very large glass of wine. I’m beyond wrung-out, mentally and physically. The stress of the past few weeks is taking its toll, and I’m not sure if I want to scream or cry.
Dropping onto the couch, I slouch into a corner and stare at nothing, lost in thought as I drink my wine. When the glass is empty, I set it on the coffee table and scoop up Dracona. “Time for bed,ma reine. Alone. Again.” The wine is working its way into my system, and I’ve sunk into melancholia. Excellent.
Once I’m ready for bed, I crawl under the covers, curling up on my side with Gunnar’s pillow against my face. The ache in my chest is almost unbearable, and I throw the pillow across the room with a growl. “Gunnar, why are you doing this to me?” Angry and hurt, I lay there, determined not to comfort myself with his scent, faded though it is. That lasts for another full minute. Then I fling back the covers and stomp across the room to retrieve the pillow, pressing it to my wet face as I stalk back to bed. Please be okay. Please come home. I miss you so much. For the second night in a row, I cry myself to sleep.
