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This time when I wake up, it’s barely light outside. Gunnar’s side of the bed is empty and cold, and I turn away, pushing myself out of bed. I’m even more exhausted than when I went to sleep, but my mind won’t turn off. It’s a struggle to find the energy to stand, but I stumble my way to the bathroom, brushing my teeth and showering before I pull on sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I can’t work up the motivation to wear anything more complicated. With more effort than should be necessary, I go downstairs to the kitchen and make myself some tea, then go into my office, hoping there’s enough there to distract me.
For a few hours, I throw myself into my work, and whenever my mind drifts to Gunnar, I cut off the thought and dive into another project. I text Astrid to let her know I’m not going to make it to the hospital. She doesn’t seem surprised, but I refuse to feel guilty about it. If Gunnar shows up, it’s likely to be there, and I really don’t want to see him. Not right now, anyway. I don’t want to reward his awful behavior by looking like I’m eagerly waiting for him. But what if he comes here? I don’t want him here either. Not right now.
And suddenly, I’mdone. I put my work aside and head to the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like the grown-ass adult I am. In between bites, I call the security desk in the lobby.
“Hello, this is Rob. How may I help you today, Mr. Allard?”
“Good afternoon, Rob. I need to make a few changes to my loft’s security, please. Let’s start with the key cards.” I have him deactivate Gunnar’s. If the jerk wants in, he’ll need my permission, and he’s certainly not getting that anytime soon. “If Gunnar Osouf requests access, please direct him to me, but don’t allow him in unescorted.”
The clacking of fingers on keys fills the silent pause. “Very good, Mr. Allard. The second card has been deactivated and a note put in the system regarding Mr. Osouf.”
“Thanks, Rob.”
I hang up, finish eating, and walk through the house, putting everything of Gunnar’s—or anything that reminds me of him—into a box, stashing it in the bottom of the coat closet, where I won’t have to look at it.
Upstairs, I change the sheets on the bed, tossing them immediately into the wash so I can’t change my mind, then go back to my office and ignore the bitter ache in my chest. I feel both better and worse, and just want the roller-coaster ride to be over. If Gunnar shows up, I’m sending him home. Tohishome. Because this isn’t that for him anymore.
41
Gunnar
Ipullintotheparking garage at the hospital and drive through, looking for an open spot but also keeping an eye out for my car. I’m excited to see Bjorn and make sure he’s alright, but god, I miss Jocelin. Over the last hour of my drive, I waffled between coming to the hospital first, or going to Jocelin’s. Then I realized he’d probably be here, which made my decision for me.
Parking in one of the motorcycle-designated spots near the elevators, I take one more look around for my car. It’s definitely not here, though there might not have been open spots on this level, depending on when Joce got here. I ride the elevator to Bjorn’s floor and hurry out as soon as the doors open, heading straight for the waiting area. Astrid and Gary are here, but no one else is around. “Hey.”
Astrid’s head snaps up from her magazine. “God, Gunnar, you’re alright!” She flings herself at me, and I barely catch her, struggling to breathe as she squeezes me tightly.
“I’m fine, Bean.” I laugh and squeeze her back. “This is quite the welcome. I’m very glad to see you, too.” She clings to me for a few more minutes, and I glance over her shoulder at Gary, with a questioning look. He frowns, shaking his head at me. And isn’t that confusing? “How’s Bjorn?”
“He’s fine. He woke up yesterday.” She stiffens in my arms, then rears back and looks into my eyes. “How are you?”
I let her go and scrub my hands over my face. “Tired. But better.”
“Good. I’m glad. Where did you go?”
She’s trying for casual, but she can’t hide the strain in her voice. At least, not from me. We know each other too well. “I went for a ride to clear my head, get things straight.” The frightened look on Jocelin’s face keeps flashing in my mind, making my stomach clench. “I was scaring Jocelin.” Taking a breath, I admit the truth. “I was scaring myself. It was better if I worked through things alone. Less chance to hurt anyone more than I already had.”
“Gunnar, I wish you’d called.” She bites her lower lip and frowns. “We were worried. You’ve never been gone for this long without calling.”
I look into her eyes and see the pain there. Fuck. I did that. And if Astrid’s upset, does that mean Jocelin is too? “I figured you’d all know what I was doing. It’s not like I haven’t gone off to clear my head with a ride before.” A tight knot forms in the pit of my stomach. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I just needed to get myself under control.”
“You were gone for three days, Gunnar. And Bjorn was out of danger, but I figured you’d want to see him.”
“I did see him. Just before I took off, I stopped in and sat with him for a little while.” That seems to ease some of her tension. “And my phone died the first night out. I didn’t have my charger with me.”
She snorts derisively. “Okay, that’s a lame excuse, Gunnar.” She points at me. “You know it too, or you’d be looking me in the eye. You could have used a phone anywhere… a gas station, a restaurant, a police station. I know you weren’t in a good place, but we were worried about you.” She shakes her head and pulls me into a tight hug. “Really worried.”
“Astrid.” I can barely make my voice heard. She’s being kind, but I can tell I’ve fucked up. The depth of the fuck up settles on me like a crushing weight because Jocelin isn’t here, and I have a guess why. I need to ask the question, but I’m afraid. I do it anyway. “Where’s Jocelin?” Astrid sighs and squeezes me tighter, but she doesn’t say anything. “Why isn’t he here?” I know what the answer is, and it’s making me sick.
“He was here yesterday and the day before. But, once he knew Bjorn would be okay, and you still hadn’t called anyone…” She lets the words trail off and releases me, backing away. “You really hurt him, Gunnar. He doesn’t understand. I tried to explain it to him, but you didn’t contact him the entire time you were gone. He’s embarrassed and angry. He said he had a lot to do today, but I don’t think he could face us again. I can only imagine what else he must be feeling. I’m not sure I could face us after that, either.”
I drag my fingers through my hair and pace the room. “Shit. I fucked up.” My voice is small and sounds every bit as scared as I am. “Can I borrow your phone?”
She shakes her head so quickly it’d be funny if I wasn’t so tied in knots. “No way. You are not calling him and getting him to answer because he thinks it’s me. I love you, but I won’t do that to him.” She looks at Gary. “And you aren’t giving him your phone either.” She points out to the nurse’s station. “Use the hospital phone, or go charge yours with my power cord and call him on your own phone.”
I don’t argue because she’s right. I sit on the sofa and use her power cord to plug in my phone, staring at it like that will make it charge more quickly. It just needs enough charge to make a call, even if I have to contort myself to talk while it stays plugged in. I slouch into the seat and glance at Gary. “Hey, Gary.”
He nods in my direction. “Hey, Gunnar. You okay?”
