AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Hours later when Taylor arrives home later that night, he asks me where Gianna is. I tell him she is busy and brush the subject aside. I distract him by asking him if he wants to go for ice cream. I need a drive anyway. His excited little face lights up with joy and I smile.
This is all I need.
Just to be a dad. Taylor and I will be completely fine on our own as we have always been.
CHAPTER11
GIANNA
It's been a few days since I last spoke to Hudson in the gym, and I can't get him out of my mind. I am curled up alone on my couch with my feet up, in my tracksuit, and not caring about anything.
I have not even seen Hudson around the estate which is probably for the best. We were stupid - or I was stupid, to ever think we might have worked out. I haven't really left the house that much though, so I guess it is no surprise I haven't bumped into him. You kind of have to go outside for that to happen. Lucky for me, if you could call me lucky because I am against that for obvious reasons, it is pouring rain outside.
The perfect weather to hide away in. Windy grey skies and wet earth, to match my mood. The sound of the rain against my windows is that small amount of comfort I need right now. But also, it makes me wish that I was curled up in Hudson's arms watching a scary movie and eating popcorn.
The girls are on the chat group with me:
Claire: Gi, you need to get out, get up, get some fresh air.
Sam: Come on Gi, join us for a drink this afternoon. It's the weekend. I will even come to fetch you, so you don't have to drive anywhere.
Me: I'm sorry guys I just can't face anything right now. I don't want to have to get dressed and trudge around in public and see actual people. Have you been out today? It's pouring rain.
Claire: Well, we are coming to fetch you, so you have two choices - get up and get dressed or get thrown into the back of the car wearing whatever it is you are wearing right now?
Me: I know you guys mean well and I love you so much for it, but I am not going out today. Please.
Sam: OK. Fine. We understand. But know that we are thinking of you OK. And if you need anything at all just call!
Claire: Love you GiGi. Just text or call if you need anything.
Me: xx
I am so relieved that they have not pushed me to go out. Honestly, I have not even showered in days. I am still wearing the same pants from two days ago as well. Actually, it is a bit embarrassing. I really should at least get up and shower. I think about it for a moment and then roll onto my side on the couch and bury my face in the pillow, tears pouring down my cheeks again.
The first day I experienced loud, heartbreaking sobs that I was not able to control. It was the third day now and the modus had changed. I have silent heart-breaking tears that I cannot control. I just do not have the energy to actually sob. But the ache is the same.
My heart physically burns in my chest.
I just want to feel nothing at all. I even Googled how to stop heartache ache and guess what --- my diagnoses are either a heart attack, acute depression, or a mental breakdown. Google even kindly provided contact details for some local emergency numbers and suggestions included temporary admittance to a psych ward or a hospital. Sigh. Thanks, hey, so helpful. I guess Dr. Google has to avoid taking things too lightly, but it annoys me. All I need is a ten-step list. I just need some magic pill to shut down emotion so that I can function like a normal human being.
Maybe I should go see my doctor this Monday? I have never felt like this in my life. Maybe she could help me. I could be sick, maybe it is a heart attack.
I must have dozed off. At least sleeping took some of the pain away, just shutting down and not existing for a little while. But waking up is pure hell because every time I open my eyes, I remember all over again that Hudson and I are --- what are we? Broken up? We have not even had a chance to date yet. So, what are we? It does not even matter. We are nothing. That is what we are. We are an almost, the most heartbreaking word there is --- almost.
I swing my legs off the couch and force myself to sit up. My eyes are hurting, and my head is hurting and I really, really need to act like a grown-up and go shower at least.
Standing up my body feels so heavy. I am thinking of a quote I had read somewhere on social media. I would not call what Hudson and I had a 'situationship', but the quote seemed to work. What is it now? It's hard to let go of someone you never even had the chance to have because you are left with an imagination full of potential for what could have been.
I sigh deeply and pull my unwashed hair into a very messy bun. I walk towards my kitchen, very careful to avoid the entrance hall and the full-length mirror near the door. The last thing I need right now is to actually see myself and the wreck of what I am feeling in person.
I nearly jump out of my skin when there is a loud knock at the door. "Open up, Giiiiirrrrrrl!"
Samantha. She does not stop knocking. Even when I shout "Stop! I'm coming!" She just carries on knocking. "Open! Open! Open!"
Shit, she can be annoying when she wants to be.
I swing the door open to find Samantha and Claire standing on my front step. Their hands are full of food, drinks, and something that looks like a giant rainbow blanket. What in the world?
