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Then he blinks numerous times in quick succession and steps back.
"Is that all Gianna?"
"Yes. I just wanted --- I just wanted you to know. I am here if you want a friend." I would rather be his friend than nothing at all.
"Sure. Goodbye."
He goes back inside, closing the door without saying another word to me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we can't be friends. Friends don't shut the door on friends.
Or maybe he just needs to see more of me to realize that we can be friends. I think I am going to have to start going to the gym again, resume my morning walks, and just make sure that I am out and about as much as possible. The more chances I get to bump into him, accidentally of course, the more chance I have of making him see the truth.
CHAPTER12
HUDSON
Iclose the door behind me, blocking out the thought and idea of Gianna. Why did she have to come over? She is just causing problems for me, and I do not need that in my life.
Taylor comes running through to the entranceway shouting "Geeeena."
"No buddy, it's not Gianna."
"I heard Geena!"
I pick him up.
"Sorry buddy, she had to go. She just stopped by quickly."
Taylor starts wiggling and shouting in my arms. Demanding to see Gianna. My nerves begin to grate. "Stop it!" I shout at him. His big blue eyes stare at me in horror. I never shout at him. He is such a soft kid I have never needed to; he just listens when I speak sternly but I never raise my voice. My heart sinks.
I pull him into a hug. "I'm so sorry little man, Daddy didn't mean to shout. I'm so sorry."
I can feel that I am on the edge of sanity lately. Losing my mind. I have not been focused at work or at home. I have been shouting at everyone in the office for practically no reason at all and I had even yelled at the nanny, earlier today.
My heart has been feeling heavy and empty and it was not until this morning, standing in front of Gianna on the doorstep, that I realized why.
Because I am a complete idiot! That's why.
Why did I listen to my mother? Gianna is the reason I am so edgy, snappy, and sad. I want to be with her. I want to hear her laugh and wrap my arms around her. I actually need Gianna in my life. She made me a better person. The reason I have been going crazy these last few days is because I am trying to deny the truth.
I don't actually care that she dated Daniel. Who is Daniel to me anyway but a complete stranger these days. We're not close enough to make this matter --- at least not to me.
Maybe it was time I let Gianna know the truth, about why I really loathe the media. Why I am afraid to invite chaos into my life.
I put Taylor down. "Little man, I just have to go next door. Go find Marcus OK. I won't be long." The nanny has been staying here full-time for the past few days because I have not been able to function like a real adult. The help has been a relief and it makes me feel less shitty about my state of mind.
"Daddy bring Geena, okay?" His optimism is amazing; he always sees the best outcome and does not give up on what he wants. Toddlers are stubborn – almost as stubborn as me.
"Daddy is going to invite Gianna for dinner," I say because otherwise, he will ask every ten minutes for the rest of the day.
"Yayyeeee." He runs off to find Marcus.
I take a deep breath and head over to Gianna's house. The short walk feels longer today.
I knocked hesitantly on the door.
There is music coming from inside and more than one voice. Laughter. The door flies open, and I am greeted by a girl in a frog onesie. Surprised, I am not sure what exactly I have interrupted.
"Is Gianna here?" I stammer, cautiously asking.
