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Someone to love me again.
Someone who truly wanted me to be happy.
But I had zero delusions that it was going to happen. I wasn’t exactly little in height or width and no good Daddy would want me. Especially with all my issues. It was gross and humiliating to even consider letting a man see me naked, much less to possibly sleep over and discover my shameful secret.
So only when I was alone in my room did I allow myself the occasional indulgence with age regression. Nothing that required a caretaker. Just a few minutes of self-soothing by sucking my thumb or slipping my fingers between my mattress and wall so I could feel the edges of the blankie I’d had since I was born. My mom crocheted it when she was pregnant with me and told me stories about how I carried it everywhere I went until kindergarten.
I’d kept it hidden since I was ten or eleven, so it wasn’t in terrible shape. But if Dad knew I still had it, he would destroy it. And that would destroy me.
Which led me back to the diapers. Practically speaking, I needed to wear one. My mental health was creating an unhygienic situation for my physical health. Was it even considered a kink if I did it purely to keep my sheets dry? I didn’t think so.
Most nights, I showered before bed to wash the doggy slobber off me, but since the noise would occasionally wake my dad, I didn’t want to take the risk. Instead, I just got undressed and did my best to fasten the diaper around my waist like the diagram on the package said to. It wasn’t a great fit, but the leg holes felt tight enough against my skin that they’d hold in any liquid that might fill it during the night. Then I put on a pair of flannel pajamas.
They were the last pair my mom gave me on the Christmas before she died.
My eyes immediately fluttered closed as I allowed myself to acknowledge how much more relaxed I was with the diaper on. I didn’t want to wet it, but if I had an accident, it was a relief to know that I wouldn’t have such a mess to deal with.
Before I was completely asleep, my thumb managed to slip right into my mouth. It was my favorite self-soothing tactic, but it was also the most damaging. I’d worn braces for eight years to correct the severe damage thumb-sucking did to my bite as a child. If I allowed myself more than a few minutes of the act as an adult, I was going to end up in an orthodontist's chair once again. Since I didn’t want that, and definitely couldn’t afford it, I set a vibrating alarm on my phone for thirty minutes out, and then I fell asleep. When the alarm sounded, my hand would reach for it and my thumb would likely not go back in my mouth.
At least, that was how it was supposed to happen.
THREE
AXEL
When the guys went home, they left me with a set of keys and told me I was welcome to come in anytime I was free to get started on the work. I think they didn’t believe me when I said I would be there all night, but that was exactly what I planned to do. I didn’t have city approval on the plans yet, so I couldn’t begin anything up in the attic space that would become the new apartment, but I could get the current storage room organized enough to allow Billy to sleep there as soon as tomorrow if he really wanted to.
But the facility was already equipped with a unisex bathroom and shower, so at least he had the basics. It wouldn’t be private, but it would suffice for the short-term.
The storage room mostly had boxes of supplies and unassembled kennels that they planned to use once they started boarding. Since boarding was the excuse for needing the apartment, I started on the kennel boxes first.
It was close to two in the morning when I finally felt satisfied that a comfortable sofa bed and some linens would fit in the space and be enough to provide a crash pad for anyone who needed it.
I scooped Kona off the fuzzy bed she had claimed as her own for the evening, and we both headed home, eager to get at least a few hours of sleep before I had to turn right back around and go to work.
The next morning, when I was getting ready for the gym, I realized that I’d left the sheet of paper that I had used to sketch out all the measurements of the storage room, so I headed back to the doggy daycare to pick it up. I didn’t want to order the wrong size of anything and not be able to use it. With the exact measurements, I could buy a sofa bed on my way over after work.
It was only six AM, and I knew the boys didn’t usually start accepting drop-offs until seven, so I didn’t expect to run into anybody in the building. But a small car was parked at the back of the lot, and when I let myself inside the building, I could hear water running.
With Kona waiting for me in the car, I slowly walked around to investigate.
Outside the bathroom, I cracked the door enough to hear that someone was in the shower, humming a cheery tune.
It was Billy.
I had only heard him say a few words over the month or so that I’d seen him working here, but there was an unmistakable softness to his voice that I recognized immediately.
He was just a cuddle bug that made me want to pull him onto my lap and run my fingers through his hair…and down his back…and straight to—
No, I wasn’t here to frighten the boy. He obviously thought he was alone, and I didn’t want to startle him by appearing unexpectedly when he was fresh out of a shower. Talk about a vulnerable state.
The water turned off, and I had to make a decision. As much as I wanted to check in with him, I knew that wasn’t my place. Jesse and Jason would be in soon, and they cared deeply about the man. If he was in imminent danger, they’d let us know.
So, I grabbed the paper I needed and snuck out the back door, closing it quietly behind me so he never knew I was there.
Then I headed to the builder’s store that opened early for account holders. They had everything I needed for the entire project, but today, my priority was getting a bed set up.
Roland, a guy I’d originally met at Primal, was working when I went in. He was also a Daddy, but we didn’t run into each other very often. I mostly knew him from my frequent visits to the store. “Hey, Axel. You skipping a workout to grace us with your presence?”
