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His words surprised me. I recalled when I’d nearly married that man my father had chosen. He’d planned on me giving up the chance at school, giving up art, all to become the perfect little housewife for him. The idea that I might have my own wants or desires played no part in his plans.
“Does that really surprise you so much?” Lorien asked.
“A bit,” I admitted. “In my experience, when people want to force a woman into a relationship, they don’t give her a whole lot of freedom.”
“And if I just wanted to force you, I could have at any time. Do you really think I couldn’t? That I don’t know where you are? That I don’t have access to enough manpower to just take you now, consequences be damned? Instead, I’m here trying to convince you, to win you. What is the point of any of it if I make you unhappy?”
My heart beat faster, and I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t love—it wasn’t even a crush. Instead, it felt like a warning in my head, as though his words were a dangerous lure that I should know better than to chase.
“Are you sleeping well? You sound tired.”
“I don’t sleep well much,” I admitted. “It’s just hard to get my mind to stop, and even when I sleep, I wake up a lot.”
“That happens with people who don’t feel confident in their world. They feel as though they need to stay on alert at all times, that they need to be on guard. Is that how you feel, Kenz? Unsettled?”
I opened my mouth to tell him no, but nothing came out. When had my sleep gotten really bad?
After my father tried to kill me.
The world I’d gotten used to before that, it hadn’t been happy, but I’d understood it. After that, though, when Nem had come back, when my father had turned out to be a piece of shit, that had all changed. Suddenly, no matter how heavy my lids got, I couldn’t seem to relax. I couldn’t set down all those worries, that fear of tomorrow, and just rest.
When I didn’t answer, Lorien’s voice dropped lower, until it sounded like a whisper into my ear instead of across the line. “Lie down, Kenz.”
“What?”
“You’re done for today, so turn off the lights and lie down.” He chuckled. “And do not think to lie to me—I’ll know.”
I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t deny the exhaustion. I’d almost wanted to skip this call and just go to bed early, to get ready for tomorrow, but I’d had to do the things I needed.
So I sighed and leaned over, flipping the light off on the nightstand, plunging the room into darkness. The curtains were open, but the moon wasn’t on the side of the house, so little light came into the room.
“Good girl. Now, under the covers.”
Ireallywanted to tell him no. Something about him telling me what to do chafed, made me want to rebel, but I knew better. This was the game, right? Play along, get him comfortable, then make my move once I had him where I needed him.
So I scooted under the light blanket, the sheets cool against my skin.
“A good night’s sleep will make tomorrow easier,” Lorien said. It was strange, but between the darkness and me lying down, this conversation felt so much more intimate. It felt like lovers talking in bed before sleep, and I had no idea what I thought about that.
It reminded me of all the times the others, the men I actually wanted, had pushed me away. What would it feel like to have this? To feel a masculine voice whispering to me in the darkness?
My lids grew heavier, and I kept them closed for longer intervals between blinks.
“That’s right.” His voice was so far away, and it lulled me deeper into rest. “Just let go, Kenz. Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Sleep took me, because I had no way to resist, no idea how to make sense of the conflicting feelings inside me. After the long day, the uncertainty, the waiting, I finally had a moment where I could set it down and just rest.
Is this what life could be like for me? Or am I just kidding myself?
Chapter Eight
Kenz
Is this what men call blue balls?
I was fairly certain I didn’t actually have balls—my sex-ed had been at least that good—but I had to guess this was the same exact feeling.
My body felt strange, like I didn’t fully control it. My cheeks heated when I caught sight of the men, and I struggled to meet their gazes directly. Everything felt…tense.
