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I don't like them, and I don't like seeing her in distress, so I lift her up once more and embrace her like I have seen mothers do to their babes. “Shh,amarta, I am here. You are safe. It was just a dream,” I tell her.
At first, she is stiff in my grip, but she soon relaxes. Those noises are muffled by my chest, and more water spills across my pecs as I rub her back to soothe her.
“Not just a dream. Memories,” she mumbles.
I wonder what haunts my littleamartaand how I can protect her from it.
I wonder if I’m capable of anything at all.
Chapter
Four
KAI
This cabin is quickly becoming my safe haven. Despite my initial fear of Kaito, it only takes me a few days to start to feel comfortable around him. It’s difficult not to relax when he goes through so much trouble to take care of me. Every day, he brings me soup he makes himself, ensures I’m healing, and checks to make sure I’m okay. He never touches or even reaches for me without asking permission after the first time I flinched. He’s safe and sweet, so the cabin becomes familiar and comfortable.
Because of that, the outside world, where the true monsters live, terrifies me all the more. At night, the sounds echo inside the cabin, making me shake in fear when the creatures make their calls. It doesn’t take me long to realize I’m not in the Gilded Lands anymore, but it doesn’t seem to be the Shadow Lands either, which leaves only one place—the Dead Lands.
Although I understand that someone has been lying to me and that the monsters aren’t all bad since Kaito has done nothing but been nice when even my own kind hurt me, their screams and growls still frighten me. Kaito remains with me in the cabin each night, a silent sentinel that stops me fromdescending into a ball of fear. His monstrous but now familiar features bring me a semblance of peace, but as the sun rises on the seventh day I’ve been awake, my sentinel decides to speak, and his words bring back the fear.
“You should accompany me today,” he says, glancing over from the fire where he stirs a pot, “and see where you’re living.”
My throat seizes, but I manage to croak, “I’d rather remain here.”
Kaito straightens and studies me carefully. I shrink under his gaze, knowing he sees too much. “You can’t remain in the cabin for the rest of your life. You’re mostly healed now, and walking will do you good.”
I clamp my lips shut and turn away from his earnest face. How strange that his appearance no longer bothers me. For all the stories I’ve been raised on, he should terrify me. He looks like any monster, but his kindness combats the fear I’ve been taught to feel. The outside world, however, doesn’t have the same benefit.
“Kai,” he murmurs, drawing my gaze back to him. “I understand if you’re afraid, but I won’t allow anything to harm you.”
“Aren’t there monsters larger than you?” I ask, studying him. He’s big, but surely others are bigger.
“There are always greater monsters,” he replies. “What matters is how we handle our fear of them.”
Biting my lip, I look down, knowing my tone is morose. “I do not handle fear well, especially now.”
He’s beside me before I realize he’s moved. Kaito offers me his hand, letting it hover in the air before me, imploring me to trust him. I only hesitate a few seconds before I slip my fingers into his slightly webbed ones, his cool skin making mine prickle.
“Fear is necessary to live. It’s okay to be afraid, Kai.” He squeezes my hand gently. “But it’s not okay to sit in that fear for all our lives.”
How do I explain that my life already ended? How do I tell this kind monster that my life was forfeited the day my little sister walked through the wall and sacrificed herself for me? How do I tell him that it ended time and time again with each atrocity I experienced, each time the king hurt me, and again when Cora returned with her monsters at her side?
How do I explain that I never wanted this second life and that I intended to end the first one so I’d never have to feel fear again?
“I fear the outside,” I whisper, but what I really want to say is that I fear living. I fear what it will do to me if I walk the Earth with the knowledge that I don’t intend to stay here forever. I don’t want that pain. I didn’t before I leapt off the castle, and I don’t now. Presently, though, with this kind monster looking into my eyes, practically begging me to walk beside him, I war with my emotions. Yes, I am afraid, but I’m also deeply curious.
“I will be beside you for every step,” Kaito offers like a gentleman.
I bend. “Will you . . . Will you stay close?” I ask weakly.
“As close as you feel comfortable with.” He helps me to my feet and together, with slow, measured steps, we walk toward the front door of the cabin.
My body protests at first since it is the most I have moved, but it’s soon drowned out by fear. My heart beats hard in my chest, thumping so loudly, I fear that Kaito will hear every nervous beat. I have to remind myself to breathe as we stop in front of the door, and I only remember when Kaito’s fingers squeeze mine again. It also reminds me that we’re holding hands, but I can't bring myself to release him, not when we’re about to walk outside of my safe haven.
“Ready?” he asks, watching me carefully. “We’ll go out, gather a few supplies, and come back in.”
“No,” I answer honestly, but I find myself nodding a second later.
