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“You would really like him, Mother. He’s strong like you. He doesn’t back down from what he wants. I can already tell he’d be a stubborn little thing and would keep me on my toes if I were able to keep him.”
I choked back a sob and wiped my face roughly with the back of my arm. I didn’t deserve to shed tears.
“You would be so ashamed of me if you were here. All my life, you instilled in me how omegas were equal and how needing to submit didn’t make you less than. And I believe that with my whole heart. That’s why I’m working with my new boss to make changes for omegas.” I took another drink. “It won’t be easy. The government will be against us the whole time. It could be dangerous, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m doing something right, making up for my mistakes in the past.
“But I’m a fucking hypocrite, Mother. And it’s all this omega’s fault. He says we’re fated mates. Can you believe it? I didn’t want to either, but it’s hard to deny when it feels like there’s a magnet in my chest pulling me back to him and every step farther away feels like another knife to the heart.”
I stopped talking, only to take another sip. My mind was in a jumble, and I couldn’t seem to put a coherent thought together.
“I’m just so confused, Mother. Why would fate give me a mate? I don’t deserve that. Especially not Jett. He’s . . . Gods, I can’t even describe him. He’s all light. I can already tell, even though I barely know him. The light and goodness just shine off him. All I’d do is dim him with my darkness.”
Fuck. The bottle was nearly empty. I needed more. Why didn’t I think to grab another one?
I looked over to the markers for my father and brother. They were both so young when their lives ended. My brother was only 14 when the robbery happened that ultimately killed him, and while Father didn’t die for another 12 years, his life ended on the same day. What would they think of me now? Would Father be ashamed that I was the lone representative of the family name? I worked so hard to repent, only to fall right back into the same cycle.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I brought them up to my chest, folding in against the cold. It was December and I wasn’t dressed properly, but I welcomed the pain and discomfort from the freezing temperatures.
“I keep hurting him, Mother. What’s worse is that I want to. I like it. I-I want to do more. Hurt him more. He says he likes it too. He says he wants it. But it’s not possible. Lennon, he pretended to be okay too. He never said anything and let me . . . let me do things. I caused so much damage because he was afraid to tell me no. He didn’t know he could. I can’t do it again, Mother. I can’t risk it. I won’t be a monster like so many of these alphas who think they can do whatever they want just because the laws allow it. You taught me how wrong that was. I disrespected you and everything you taught me with Lennon. And I’m doing it again now with Jett.”
Icy cold droplets began raining down on me. I laughed scornfully, looking up at the sky as I was pelted by the sleet. Maybe I’d get hypothermia and die here. It would be fitting. They wouldn’t even need to waste time transporting my body, just pick me up and dump me inside. Done and done.
“I-I don’t know what to do, Mother. The right thing is to stay away. I understand that, but it’s so hard. Jett—I can’t even explain it, but I know I’ll never be complete if we’re not together. Still, I’ll take the pain if it means he’s safe. Please, Mother. If you’re truly listening, can you just give me a sign telling me that I’m making the right call here. Tell me that it’s best if I stay away. That it’s best for Jett to move on. Please tell me I’m not hurting him more by rejecting him.”
Nothing happened. I waited and waited, but Mother never gave me a sign. The sleet picked up, and snow was added to the mix. My feet and hands were frozen to the bone, and I knew I had to move before I caused permanent damage, but I didn’t. I stayed right where I was and waited for that sign that wasn’t coming. I stayed as the alcohol, the events of the day, and the cold all combined until I was utterly exhausted, and my eyes began to close against my will.
* * *
My whole body vibrated with a combination of nerves and excitement as the driver took me to the Mathsons’ estate. This was it. After tonight, I could truly consider myself an alpha as I took my future mate through his heat.
I hadn’t spoken to Lennon since this was decided, but his family and mine were close, so a mating arrangement between us made sense. His previous alpha was much older and had died suddenly of a heart attack, leaving him a widower at eighteen. His family was desperate to find another match for him, and due to our family’s history, they reached out to us.
Father had checked out of reality years ago and was barely hanging on. I knew as soon as I was able to take my place as his heir, he would lose his fight to stay alive. I honestly thought it was Mother’s sheer will keeping him going and coherent enough to pretend to be running things so nobody asked questions on who was really in charge. They were both anxious for me to take over, however, and having an omega from a good family, like Lennon, would go a long way in me taking my place.
Either way, Father agreed quickly to the arrangement, as well as the caveat that I would take the omega through his heat prior to our marriage if it occurred before the wedding, which happened to be the case.
I’d never done this before, and I was anxious to make sure I took care of the omega properly. I knew the basics, of course, I took alpha biology, like all alphas did, and went through the required health courses on omegas’ needs during heat, but I felt woefully unprepared. All the courses said were that the omegas would be gone with lust and unable to think for themselves and that alpha instincts would take over. I didn’t like the idea of relying solely on biological instincts, but I wasn’t sure what else to do.
We arrived at the estate, and I thanked the driver as I slipped out of the car. He went around and grabbed my overnight bag, as most heats lasted 48-72 hours so I’d need to stay the night. I packed light, as the omega’s family assured me they’d have everything else I’d need.
Alpha Simeon Mathsons greeted me at the door. After telling the driver to bring my bag up to the omega suite, he led me to his study to talk before I met Lennon.
“Thank you for coming under such late notice, Emerson.”
I smiled politely. “It’s not a problem, sir. I was aware I’d have to take care of Lennon’s heat, likely prior to our marriage agreement. I’m more than happy to assist.”
He grunted his agreement and poured me a drink as he gestured to the leather chair on the other side of his desk. I thanked him and sat down. “Yes, well, he’s a few months early, but since he lost his previous alpha, it was to be expected. Still, I’m relieved we have this arrangement and didn’t need to resort to a heat service.”
He wrinkled his nose in disgust, which I understood. Most of high society considered the heat services beneath them, and it was considered in poor taste to utilize them. More often than not, an agreement like this one was made between two families to discreetly take an unmated omega through their heat, especially when they came early.
We spoke for a while as I finished my drink. By the time I was done, I was feeling much more relaxed and ready to meet the omega.
“Well, we may as well get this over with,” Alpha Mathsons grumbled. “The boy is on birth control so there will be no unwanted surprises. We made sure of that as soon as he moved back in with us.”
I swallowed hard. I was happy we were protected from pregnancy. I was only 19 and still hadn’t taken over for Father in an official capacity, so I wasn’t ready for fatherhood. However, something about the way Mathsons spoke about his son made me uneasy. There was nothing I could say about it, though, so I stayed quiet, hoping he would dismiss me soon.
“Is there anything else I should know, sir? I know this is Lennon’s first heat since he lost his alpha, and I have never taken anyone through it before so I want to make sure I do it correctly.”
He dismissed me with a wave of his hand. “There’s nothing to it, son. The boy went into heat a few hours ago. By the time you get up there, he will long since be gone. Your rut will take over once you scent him, trust me. That’s why we have him isolated in the omega wing. You will be the only alpha allowed in there. Your body will know what to do, just listen to it.”
