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We get the food and champagne. Open the bottle. Pour. And next thing you know, we’re holding up sparkling champagne for a toast.
“To us,” Auggie says. “To the happy life we’re going to have together.”
I know exactly what to add to Auggie’s toast. I’ve said it many times, after all, in response to Auggie—albeit under totally different circumstances. But never has the phrase been so apt or meaningful, as in this moment. With a huge smile and a wink, I clink my glass against Auggie’s and add, “And they lived happily ever after.”
EPILOGUE
AUGGIE
It’s my gorgeous wife’s 40thbirthday party, and Tessa and I have conspired to throw her quite the bash. It’s the first party thrown at the new house—the bulk of the party is happening in our spacious backyard—and I’m thrilled to see all our family and closest friends have made it. Some of our new neighbors, too—the ones we’ve already hung out with a bit, thanks to a welcome barbeque thrown for us by Ryan and Tessa at their place down the street.
This is our dream house, baby. Great layout. Huge backyard. Lots of space for our growing family. And best of all, with our place being right down the street from Tessa and Ryan’s house, we now hang out with those two and their four kids, and Rudy and Lucky, all the damn time.
It’s all courtesy of The Unicorn, since we never could have afforded a house like this on my salary alone. That’s how my high-earning wife is known by her rabid online following these days.The Unicorn.And she definitely lives up to her billing.
Thankfully, Superhero Salami Slinger is dead as a doornail. He never appears in The Unicorn’s videos or anywhere else. Charlotte doesn’t need me, and I don’t want to do it, so it’s a win-win. Occasionally, I serve as Charlotte’s trusty cameraman—the guy laughing and whooping behind the camera—when she’s doing something funny. I also help her when she’s doing something that can’t easily be captured with the camera on a tripod. But otherwise, The Unicorn is a one-woman, well-oiled machine.
As a matter of fact, all traces of my old Superhero Salami Slinger account, and every raunchy video I’ve ever appeared in, whether solo or with Charlotte, have been wiped from the internet. When we told Ryan and Tessa the truth about Charlotte’s highly lucrative profession during my fourth year of vet school, we also told them about the shows Charlotte and I used to do together. As much as we could, anyway, without divulging all the Mr. DiMarco stuff. To Ryan and Tessa, we made it sound like we did all that crazy stuff to raise money for my tuition.
But anyway, when we told Ryan and Tessa about all that stuff several years ago, and I expressed concern that all those old videos might come back to haunt and/or embarrass me during my future career as a vet, Ryan said he had a close friend who’s a gifted hacker and that the guy might be willing to scrub everything from existence for me, free of charge, as a favor to Ryan.
In reply, I told Ryan I didn’t think that was remotely possible. “But if it is,” I added, “then I’d insist on paying your hacker friend for his trouble.” The next thing I knew—about two weeks later—everything was gone. Not only that, Ryan told me his hacker buddy, whoever he was, refused to take my money.
I’m bummed I’ll never be able to thank the hacker guy for what he did for me. Hopefully, Ryan expressed my thanks effusively enough to him. Because whoever he is, he’s a fucking genius and a generous soul and I’m forever in his debt. I’m thrilled to be a vet now and to let Charlotte be the only onlinestar in our family these days—and not to have to worry that one of those videos might pop up to bite me in the ass.
Speaking of ass-biting, the Unicorn doesn’t do overtly sexual things for her fans, although she is always naked. The stuff Charlotte does runs the gamut from silly to mundane: doing chores around the house, dancing, cooking, baking, spinning cartwheels across the lawn, doing yoga in our home gym. It doesn’t matter. As long as it’s Charlotte—The Unicorn—and she’s doing it buck naked and in her signature purple, sparkling mask, her fans always eat it up.
Despite her niche online fame, Charlotte still hasn’t bumped into anyone in real life who says, “Wait, aren’t you The Unicorn?” But maybe that’s because people are too embarrassed to admit, in the real world, they’re fans of that sort of thing.
As far as I’m concerned, I see no reason to feel embarrassed about what my wife does for a living. My brilliant wife worksmaybeten hours a week, at most, and she earns amonthlyincome that’s more than the highestyearlyflight-attendant’s salary. Plus, she loves what she does. So, what’s there to be ashamed of, when you look at it like that?
Admittedly, even though we’ve told Ryan and Tessa and my family the truth, we still do keep secrets from lots of people. Our new neighbors, for instance. Also, the parents of kids at Althea’s preschool we’re friendly with. And, of course, Charlotte’s Irish-Catholic mother doesn’t have a clue what her talented daughter actually does for a living. My mother-in-law thinks her vivacious daughter is a full-time mom to Althea, whileI’mthe breadwinner of our family—the reason we recently moved into this amazing house.
I suppose, given how successful veterinarians can be in wealthy neighborhoods, it’s not a crazy thing for her to believe. She knows I own my own animal hospital with three veterinarians and an army of vet techs working for me, after all,and I don’t even think she realizes half my practice caters to rescue organizations. So, we let her think I’m the reason for our recent move.
Personally, I don’t like Momma McDougal not knowing what a kickass businesswoman Charlotte really is. I wish she knew about Charlotte’s success, and I wish she’d be accepting, if she did know. But in the end, it was Charlotte’s call to make, whether to keep or tell her secret to her mother, and Charlotte unequivocally said, “Nope. My mother canneverknow.”
Speaking of secrets, the one that initially brought Charlotte and me together is long dead now. We never heard from Mr. DiMarco or Carlo again after Bella’s birthday party. Are those guys out there with new usernames, regularly keeping up with The Unicorn? God only knows. Charlotte and I try not to think about it.
Tessa pokes my arm, jerking me from my thoughts. “I’m gonna get the birthday cake now,” she whispers.
“Okay, good. Right after she blows out the candles, look at me and be ready to push the button on the song.”
“Roger.”
“Rabbit.”
Tessa giggles. Anyone who hangs out with any member of the Morgan family for any length of time eventually picks up the habit.
Tessa says, “I’ll tell Ryan to find the birthday girl, so she’s not in the bathroom or whatever when the cake comes out.”
“Perfect. I’ll get the guys wrangled, too.”
As Tessa heads off into the house to get the cake, I head in the other direction to find my big brother, somewhere in the crowded party. When I find Max, he’s hanging out with his wife, our mother, Mom’s husband, Henry, and several other partygoers. I pull Max aside and ask him to marshal the troops for my big birthday surprise for Charlotte, and he says he’s on it.Granted, Max rolls his eyes when he says it, making sure I know he’s doing this crazy thing for me against his will. But, still, he dutifully heads off to get everyone gathered and in place.
From Max, I head onto the lawn to find my silly, happy, chatty two-year-old, Thea, full name, Althea. I know she’ll want to be there when we sing happy birthday to her beloved mommy—and even more importantly, to help Mommy blow out the candles. Thea’s got flaming red hair, so she shouldn’t be hard to find. Plus, she’s surely following around her cousins, Ripley and Marcus. Or if not them, Ryan and Tessa’s daughter, Claire, who’s basically a celebrity, as far as Thea’s concerned. So, at least, I’ve got a good idea of the various faces I’m looking for to lead me to my spitfire of a daughter. We knew there’d be so many kids at this birthday party, many of them under five, we hired a slew of roaming babysitters to play with them and watch over them. So, at least, I know Thea’s safe and sound, wherever she is.
Ah. There she is. Thea’s with Claire and Ripley, with all of them playing with Old Man Lucky and one of our two dogs. Lucky’s facial fur has turned all-white by now. He’s probably not long for this world. But the good news is whenever he reaches the Rainbow Bridge, I’m positive he’ll turn around and say, “I’ve had the best life, ever.Thank you.”
