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“You better watch how you talk to me, I’m still your dad.”
He mutters an apology before sighing in the cool morning, running a hand over his face just the way I do. It’s moments like these, when he’s staring straight ahead rather than at me, that I can see the resemblance between the two of us. I’ve always gotten the comment from people around town, saying how much Nathan looks like me, but I’m rarely able to see it.
He’s got his mother’s almond-shaped eyes, and her bright smile that made any room light up she was in. Unlike my broody personality, Nathan can walk into a room full of strangers and make each and every one feel welcomed — much like his mother was able to do once upon a time.
Renee passed away years ago, something that I’ve since moved on from, but the occasional thought of her manages to push its way through my mind. She used to sit out here with me in the mornings — me with a hot cup of coffee, while she curled into me with a book in her hand. I loved watching her eyes scan the pages, a smile pulling at her lips when she got to the good parts, and it became our routine.
“You need to take it easy, Dad,” Nathan says, pulling me from thoughts of Renee.
I nod with a sigh. “I know, Nathan, but I can’t sit here and do nothing.”
“Well, if you want the chance of doing anything, then you’ll need to listen to the doctor's orders.”
He’s right, I know that, but it doesn’t change that I’m getting antsy sitting here. There isn’t much to do when you sit around, watching everyone else work around you. It’s irritating. I’m not even sure how much longer I’ll have the cast on, Nathan has been handling all my appointments, but hopefully, it will be off soon.
I’ve been dying to itch the spaces beneath the thick covering and I’ve only grown more irritated that I can’t reach them. I open my mouth, prepared to say more, but the crunch of gravel beneath footsteps has me snapping my lips together. The blonde hair is hard to miss as our guest makes her way closer to the porch, eyeing the frame appreciatively with a smile.
I growl at her intrusion and she snaps her gaze to me. “Oh, uh, sorry. I just wanted to check the porch out, I didn’t know anyone was back here.”
“This is my home, no one said you could walk around it like it’s your own.”
She fidgets in her spot, face flushing red, and I have to snap my gaze from hers to keep my body from reacting to the sight of it. There’s something oddly satisfying about the way she’s reacting to me that makes my body vibrate with the need to watch it more. “I apologize.”
As soon as she’s out of earshot, Nathan shakes his head at me with a frown. “Come on, Dad, she’s new here. Cut her some slack.”
“Not likely,” I mutter as I stand from my spot on the swing, not wanting to take the chance that she comes back around. I’m sure it’sunlikely, if the way she reacted to me is any indication, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. “I’m going to rest, since that’s the only thing I can seem to do at this point.”
Nathan pats my back with a smile and walks with me into the house, watching as I use the crutches to get into the living room. There’s a blanket thrown haphazardly over the back of the couch, indicating the place where I’ve been sleeping since I arrived home, and I groan as I sink into the plush cushions.
At least it’s comfortable enough for the time being — at least until the mattress for the floor gets here. Nathan insisted I stay in here, but I told him the only way I’d do that is if I had a bed. It didn’t take him long to order one for me with a smile, not realizing that he could’ve easily carried my own down here for me. Just another chunk of money to spend that we definitely don’t have.
“Maybe some sleep will shake you out of the mood,” he says roughly, grabbing the keys from the counter and heading toward the front door.
Not likely.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay, not if my leg will always be an issue for the rest of my life. I wait until he’s got the door shut behind him before relaxing into the cushions and closing my eyes. The last thing I’m feeling right now is tired, so the only image I get when they shut is a very vivid one of the woman on her knees in front of me.
I groan at the intrusion, rubbing at my eyes in hopes that it will send the image floating away, but it only seems to make it worse. What is so fascinating about her that I’m conjuring up fantasies of her before me?
The sound of the saw going does the trick and I roll over onto my side, reaching for the remote sitting in a perfect line on the coffee table in front of me. I guess if I’m not going to be able to sleep I can at least manage to see what’s good on TV without someone having to help me.
Seems like most of the shows on are reruns, so I click something random and let it play in the background while I look straight up at the ceiling. If Renee were here, she’d probably sit here with me and play a movie — an annoying chick flick that I’d never be caught dead watching, but I’d watch next to her with a smile on my face. Anything to make her happy.
Could I ever find someone else to make me feel the way she did? It took a while to come to terms with her loss, but I’ve come to the point in my life where I want something like it again. The love I had for her was like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and although I’m not sure I’d be able to find that again, I’m certain I could find something close to it.
I shake my head and let out a rough breath. I’ve tried a few times to date, but each of the women ended up only caring about one thing and I only ever made it through the one date. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex as much as the next guy, but that’s not all I want in a relationship. Which is something Renee always seemed to understand about me.
I’d give anything to have her company right now, but curling up with the blanket she made for me is about the closest I’ll ever get to her again. Would she be proud of the way I’ve raised our son? I’d like to think so, but I never know when it comes to her. She was always a wildcard, a different emotion every day, and you never knew what you got until she unleashed it.
There were days when she would just sit on my lap and cry, letting out all her sadness while I kept my arms wrapped around her. Other days she would be red-faced and angry at the world, screaming at me for doing something as simple as dropping a few grains of sugar onto the counter. Those were the days when I knew to stay out of her way, at least until she came apologizing to me later that night — which never failed to happen.
Before I can get too lost in the thoughts of her again, I lift from my spot on the couch and grab the crutches. I pull open the fridge, eyeing the contents curiously, and grab everything I would need for a decent sandwich. When I look out the window that faces the front of the house, I watch as Sydney throws her head back with a laugh and a warmth spreads through me.
No.
She can’t make me feel this way. Nathan smiles effortlessly, then points to the pile of ashes before leading her over to the damage. When Sydney bends over the debri, I pull my gaze away from her and focus on the sandwich I’m making instead. I’m not sure what’s coming over me, or that I like it very much.
Chapter 4
