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I didn’t want to become addicted to him again. I hated being a junky. And in losing him, I lost myself.
No, I wasn’t going back there. Our team needed a quarterback and I needed my best friend.
Having gotten the closest I would get to being forgiven, I wasn’t going to ruin things. So even if he were into guys, and by some miracle, me, we couldn’t be together. He meant too much to me. I couldn’t let it happen.
Chapter 8
Claude
When I received Cage’s call, I didn’t know what to think. Was he inviting me to his post-birthday hangout because he had seen me jogging near his place? It would be humiliating if it were. As much as I wanted to connect with him, I was still the only Black guy in town. As my mother said, I was the representative for my race for everyone who lived here. I had to act respectably. It was my obligation and duty to my people.
It felt ridiculous even thinking the words, but I’ve thought a lot about what my mother told me since she said it. I’ve spent years dissecting and challenging it at its premise. My conclusion has been that it’s true.
That meant that my needs came second. I wanted Cage as a friend. At the very least, I desperately needed to feel connected to someone. But I had to do it in a dignified way. Getting a pity invite because he caught me stalking him wasn’t dignified.
But whatever the reason I was invited, I was going. I needed this. It was like swimming to the surface for a breath. And I wasn’t going to screw this up.
‘Am I going to see you on the field?’ Titus texted as I got ready to leave.
‘You going?’ I replied.
‘Heading there now. I think Cage is having a quarter-life crisis.’
‘Ha!’
‘Cali wanted to make sure you were coming?’
‘Cali?’
Titus texted a shrug emoji.
Apparently, everyone was going to be there. Having recently seen Cage’s brother, Nero, around town, I assumed he would be there too. This was going to be a good way to take my mind off Merri and his offer.
The thing most persuading me to accept Merri’s workout was the thought that I could again be part of a team. But maybe I didn’t need Merri’s help for that. Maybe I could find what I needed here without him.
‘I’ll see you there,’ I texted Titus with building anticipation.
‘Do you even remember how to play? Haha!’ Titus quipped.
‘It’s the sport with the round ball and the basket, right?’
He replied with a rolling-on-the-floor-laughing emoji. ‘Close enough.’
I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t told anyone in town about my football past. Could it be that I hadn’t taken playing seriously? No, it wasn’t that. But perhaps it was because I had taken it too seriously.
Even with the team leaning on me, I had a hard time expressing how much I cared about it. When I was alone, I never watched TV. I studied plays and games I found on YouTube. There were even nights when I couldn’t sleep because I kept going over possible plays in my mind.
As much as the way Merri treated me played into my decision to graduate early, I had to admit that it wasn’t the only factor. I had been obsessed. I never let it show, but I lived and breathed football. Winning brought elation and losing, spiraling despair.
I didn’t tell anyone that was the case because it was too embarrassing. It was just a game. I shouldn’t have wanted it so badly. But I did. I never wanted to let down my team. And I definitely didn’t want to let down Merri.
Merri had changed my life. He had believed in me before I believed in myself. I liked the way I looked through his eyes.
That was what made how our friendship ended so painful. My mother had made me believe that no one would ever see me past the color of my skin. And for a while, being with Merri made me believe that she was wrong.
Then, when it came down to it, what I feared most was true. In everyone else’s eyes, I was just a stereotype, even in the one person I thought I wasn’t.
But, he had explained it, hadn’t he? He had said what he had because he had been in love with me. I had hurt him by telling him I was leaving. In return, he said things he didn’t believe.
