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Due to my mother’s fine job of keeping me sheltered, and after last night, almost everything made me recoil in worry. Even the dry set of pajamas I was now in terrified me. I hadn’t dressed myself. Was that a bad thing? Mammy had told me my body was private and for only her and me to see.
Needing answers, so I could properly breathe again, I forced myself to speak to a stranger for the first time in my whole life. “Where am I?”
His surprised expression was followed by, “What country did they take you from?”
What? Wanting to run and get away from this stranger, even though I didn’t know where I would go, I peered to my left. There was a little black nightstand with a small ivory lamp. Then another stained green wall.
The stranger looked to be Eejit-Da’s age. “Umm… You’re home. Your, uh, daddy is taking care of some business, but he will be back soon.”
I never had referred to Eejit-Da that way, but I understood who the doctor was referring to.
Of course, Eejit-Da being on his way home brought me no comfort.
I only had one real-life person who would. “Mammy?”
For a second, the doctor cringed in regret before looking away. “Um… no. She won’t be coming back.”
My bottom lip began to quiver as the whole night replayed in my mind. “Can I go with her?”
Struggling to hide another cringe, the man stared at the floor, chewing on his inner cheek. “I’m afraid not.” With dark circles under his eyes and a few stress lines, I was clueless as to what this man would look like in another five years, when I would see him again.
I was clueless about many things. My life was not my own and wouldn’t be for many more years. Choices would be made for me, including how I should properly react when finally noticing how bad my arm was hurting. When I cried out, another shot was given. I wasn’t to make a peep. The locked-away child was to stay quiet.
Mammy was right.
Don’t make a sound.
From that day forward, due to my captivity and treatment, I learned to cry in silence.
And cry I did. It felt like I cried every second of every minute of every day when awake. I even cried in my dreams, holding Mammy, begging her not to leave again. I had gone from bliss to misery in one night and hadn’t the skills to survive it. I was consumed by grief and fear…
During short visits when Eejit-Da would deliver food and observe me recoiling from him in fear, he made many promises, including he never meant to hurt Mammy. He vowed it was an accident. One he would always regret.
I believed him. My innocence and loneliness demanded it.
Sadly, with Mammy no longer there to protect me, this was the case for many times spent with Eejit-Da. I believed his lies and didn’t ask questions when, barely out of my cast, he began to take full advantage of me being so naïve and vulnerable.
Sadly, Mammy giving her life to prevent such an act… was in vain.
The door opening, even quietly, still woke me. It was dark, sometime during the night, that first time he came to me, for things I knew nothing of. Something in my stomach ached, like a warning of danger, but more promises were made.
“You are going to make me so happy tonight.” His breathing was heavy, excited, as he slowly approached my bed, smiling. The back of his finger grazed my hand, then up my arm. “We will have a wonderful evening together.” He vowed, “I will be gentle.”
Gentle for what? I would soon learn.
The blanket was slowly pulled away…
The only peace I can speak of during such times and acts was that Eejit-Da spoke to me for lengths at a time. His words were soft when he spoke about how much I felt like Mammy—which I loved to hear. His touches were as gentle as his perversion would allow when he touched parts of me that were ‘just like’ Mammy. In a twisted way, his ‘affections’ became my comfort, as they were the only contact I had with another human being. Maybe that is why I was actually sad when the visits ended and there was no one left to talk about Mammy with.
Time passed…
Tears resumed…
It's truly a marvel how the mind can work. How it can view events to make them more manageable to one’s psyche. Had it not, there is a strong possibility I would have gone mad.
No longer having headphones, I was subjected to the cries in the night when Eejit-Da brought home another innocent. It wasn’t often, or at least that is what I could only assume, not having a way to track time or dates, but the worst part of all this was my envy.
The last night Mammy was on earth, she had cried with the child she heard below us.
