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I’m confused, sad, angry, and so, so empty.
I sigh as I lean back against the headboard of my bed. A frustrated scream lodging in my throat as I stare at the ceiling.
“Fuck,” I whisper as I look back down at the video on my iPad.
Since meeting Alvaro and Romero, I hadn’t felt the overpowering need to run back into the arms of loneliness. Now though, Ilongfor it.
“You’re gonna split, huh?” my brother asks me as I rewatch the burial of our parents.
I don’t answer him. He knows me well enough to see my thoughts.
“Good,” he says, surprising me, “you need it before you end up killing someone.”
“You’re not going to stop me?”
He stands and pulls his wallet out, removing a black card from inside and sliding it beneath my hand.
“No, I'm not. Just promise you’ll keep in touch with me, Vi. I know you need your space, but I’m always gonna need my sister.”
I squeeze the card hard, letting the bite of pain in my palm calm me.
“You’ll stay here?”
“Someone needs to cause a distraction, no?” He tries to give me a smile but it comes nowhere near reaching his eyes. “Wait until tonight. I’ll get the transmitters off the Mercedes so you can’t be tracked. For now, I’m going to go get a room booked for you.”
I’m already shaking my head. “They’ll find me easily.”
He laughs. “You don’t think I’ve learned a thing or two in the last five months? You won’t be staying at the resort, it’s just a distraction. I got a little beach house for myself. They don’t know about it, no one does. I got it for us in case we ever needed it.”
My brows furrow. “When did you get a beach house and with what money?”
I watch my brother’s face flash with some kind of emotion but it’s gone before I can decipher it. “I’ve been working with Darío, taking over the joint businesses between him and the guys.”
Fuck, how long have I been stuck in my head? How did I miss this? I look him over with new eyes, and I see how well he’s dressed. There's a hardened look in his eyes as though he’s witnessed more bloodshed since that night in Puerto Vallarta.
I squeeze my eyes shut when my mother’s bloodied body flashes in my mind.
“Pin the location for me,” I tell him through gritted teeth as I force the images to leave.
He leans over me and kisses the crown of my head, laying his forehead on the same spot before straightening.
“Will you ever forgive them?”
I don’t answer him. I just hold my breath and count to ten.
“I love you, Vi.”
I nod, tears burning up my throat and keeping the sentiment from escaping.
When he leaves, closing the door behind him, I sigh and reach for my medicine bottle but instead of taking two of the heavy pain killers like I always do, I stand and dump them in the toilet.
They numb the pain in my stomach, a pain that I know is no longer actually there, but I lie to myself and say that’s why I overuse the pills. Truth be told, I’ve just been trying to hide in the cloud they provide. But no more.
If I want to heal, I have to face my pain without aid.
Without crutches.
Without my men.
