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I stare at myself in the mirror, hating who I see looking back at me. She has the same face as me, but her eyes no longer resemble the browns I once knew.
Dead eyes flash in my mind, making me regret having tossed my pills. I breathe deep through my nose and remind myself that I will get through this. I will heal from this mental pain and I will find myself again, even if I have to do it alone.
Pulling my hair into a bun, I splash water on my face and start packing my clothes.
My love may be dead right now, but it’s my hope that I can somehow find my way back to the happiness I briefly had here.
* * *
The night comes all too soon and I’ve found myself wavering on my decision to leave. I hate that I’m so fucked up emotionally. If I could live the rest of my life with a peaceful mind and love in my life, it would be a gift, one I find to be impossible to attain right now. But as Romero and Alvero make their way to bed, I find myself feigning sleep. I don’t want to look at them and feel horrible for choosing myself rather than them.
All three of us started out as playing pretend, just using one another to forget our realities.
Alvaro and his broken trust.
Romero and his broken heart.
They filled me with something that turned our days of pretending and make-believe into a reality I never thought I’d tire of, and if I’m honest, I’m not tired of it at all…I just can’t take another moment of feeling their devotion without feeling like a betraying daughter.
With my parents in the ground because I fell in love with these two men…how can I even begin to fall into the same routine without this shame and guilt eating away at me piece by piece?
I can’t. I just can't do that right now. But I will say this, I love them enough to leave and get my shit together, come to terms with all that has happened and get back what we had, because to me, they are worth it. I’m just not sure if I’m worth it, worthy of their love and respect.
So when Alvaro lays behind me and pulls my body flush to his while Romero slides in close to my front, I breathe deeply and take in both of their scents, memorizing each fragrance so I can take them with me when I leave.
* * *
It’s five in the morning by the time they are so deep in sleep that I can move without either of them waking. I roll to my elbows and stare down at their relaxed faces. I wish I could look into their eyes right now, just one last time.
Alvaro and his green fields basked in the sunlight.
Romero’s brilliant blue oceans and white sand.
I lay a soft kiss to both of her mouths when I stand from the bed, dropping my prewritten note between them. God, how my heart fucking breaks!
My soul cries and begs to crawl back in my safe spot between them, my body yearns to open for them, to let them in and never allow them to leave.
But I can’t. Not now, at least, but I will do all that I possibly can to get back to them. To find my place between them and feel worthy of it.
Taking the two duffle bags I hid in the closet, I quietly move from the room only to find my brother and Katalina waiting in the living room. He meets my eyes when he sees me and nods, taking my bags before turning toward the back door, leaving me to say goodbye to Kat.
“I’m sorry—”
“If you’re going to do this, then do it right, because it will break my brother’s heart when he wakes up and sees that you’ve left him. Make it worth it and heal that beautiful mind of yours. Okay?”
She hugs me fiercely, kissing both of my cheeks before turning away from me and leaving out the front door to the swing on the porch.
I walk out into the backyard where all the lights are off in the pool area and enter the garage silently.
“Get on the floor, sis. I’ll drive you down the mountain and then you can get into the front seat when we’re safely away. I’ll take you to the beach house where Darío will pick me up later so you can keep the car.”
I give him a jerky nod, not trusting that my anxious voice will keep to a low tone if I were to speak. I move to the back when he opens the door for me. It’s not a long drive down the mountain but the fall air has begun to leave the nights colder so I find myself shivering. Once Vicente is in the front seat, he starts the car and pulls out of the garage, blasting the heat and telling me to stop making all that racket with my teeth clattering when we pull up to the guards at the gate.
I hear him telling them he has urgent business to take care of at the fields—whatever that means—before we eventually pull away, taking the winding roads down the mountain.
When we get to the bottom, Vicente stops for me to climb into the front seat where I get settled in before he drives off again.
I look up at the home on the mountain and I swear I can hear the tearing of my heart when I feel two sets of eyes on me.
