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I would, however, like to explain a little about therapeutic recreation, not that you care. It’s true that I might take people zip-lining or camping, but my training has focused on how I can use recreational activities to help people with illness or disability rediscover the joy of living. I’ve seen it work. I’ve seen how recreation brings light into the eyes of someone struggling with loss or depression, how facing fears reduces anxiety and boosts confidence and facilitates connection, how accommodations can be made so that the physically limited can enjoy the exhilaration of extreme sports. It isn’t just “glamping,” although that doesn’t sound too bad either. I hope you’ve had experiences in your life in which you were able to spend time outdoors, commune with nature, or try something you thought you never could or would do. If you haven’t, maybe give it a shot. It’s wonderful.
I’m rambling. I got on my soapbox. Sorry. Again.
As for the incident with Mandy Miller, I believe I can defend myself there, though I should have curbed my reaction during our date that night. Mandy grew up in the same neighborhood with Claire and me. She’s a year younger than Claire, and we all played together when we were little. She moved away in junior high when her parents divorced, and we lost track of each other. By the time she got to high school, she was running with some pretty wild friends and wanted nothing to do with us. She was, however, very interested in my younger brother. Her influence led him into the same rough crowd and was instrumental in bringing more grief to our family than I can put into words. Mandy has her own story, though I don’t know it, and for that I’m sure she deserves compassion. But running into her that night brought up a lot of unprocessed emotion in me. I like to think that my response to her now would be much different. That doesn’t excuse my past mistakes, but maybe knowing the background will help you understand.
Well, I’m surprised if you’re still reading at this point. Whether you are or not, I feel better for having written it. Again, I apologize for my sharpness. I will always remember and appreciate your patience and expertise in tutoring me. I wish only the best for you as you move forward.
Sincerely,
Grace Ebert
Noah closed his mail app, plugged his phone in, and tossed it to the floor.
Fantastic.
Grace had obviously found her closure by justifying everything she said. Now she could start her ridiculous job—communing with nature, Noah thought, rolling his eyes—with a clear conscience and go back to forgetting his existence.
He pulled his quilt up around his shoulders and swallowed against the tightness in the back of his throat, reminding himself that she was the first offender.
He would just have to forget about her too.
Chapter 24
Alone
Weeks passed, winter semester started,and Noah could not get Grace’s email out of his mind. School was going well enough, but any time he was away from his studies—and often when he wasn’t—there it was in the back of his head. If that email had been on paper, it would have been ratty and torn from the frequency of his reading it.
January was always a struggle, with the lack of light and exercise, another long semester in front of him, and the holidays a too-recent memory. For Noah, family time necessitated recovery time. His older brother, Matt, made a few dutiful efforts to pull Noah from his shell via text, but Noah rarely responded. Likewise, his mom called regularly. Mostly, she talked to his voicemail, but he occasionally answered, gritting his teeth through complaints of not seeing enough of him and lengthy recaps of Matt’s most recent success. Noah took his meds—thankful to have finally found some that worked without killing his appetite or making him gain weight—sat in front of his phototherapy light to study, and went for a walk when he felt low. It kept him functional. Barely.
The ski class at the small resort near Oak Hills helped. He had signed up for it on a whim, thinking it might make the dark weeks go faster.
It had nothing to do with Grace’s email.
Besides, it filled what had been a wide-open day in his school schedule, and it was fairly inexpensive to do it through the school, though he could barely justify the added expense of the class, let alone new equipment. He’d bought an old, beat-up set of skis and boots from the classifieds for next to nothing that fit well enough.
He also took on another tutoring job, and although the material was much more challenging (calculus) and the student mathematically inclined (a freshman aiming to get into the engineering program), the sessions crept by in a way they never had with Grace. Noah had to drag himself to each appointment. The money was barely enough incentive for him to show up, which didn’t make any sense at all. He had pointedly hated Grace through every session, yet he now found himself itching for someone to tease him as his new client silently did calculations.
How can I miss seeing someone I hate?
Everything about Grace had irritated Noah, but now that she was gone, he kept discovering things he’d taken for granted.
He hadn’t even realized the pleasant, mildly flowery scent he’d associated with the math lab was actuallyher, until his new student sat down and smelled like, well, a guy.
A guy who never once shared anything personal or talked about life outside the math lab, who never made Noah want to laugh.
Grace was true to her word; he had to give her that. No matter how many times he checked his inbox, there was nothing new from her. That made sense. He hadn’t sent a response, and her school email was probably defunct now that she’d graduated. He had composed many messages in his head, even typed out an email reply filled with more of the venom he’d spouted at their final meeting. That word—alone—still smarted. When he had finished spewing and almost pushed Send instead of the trash icon, he’d nearly had a heart attack.
Much as he didn’t want to admit it, the repeated readings of her email had softened his perception of her. Maybe she wasn’t that terrible. Maybe he’d judged her too harshly. But what did she mean by her “personal challenges” blinding her? What challenges could she possibly have? Her life was a cakewalk.
But then the issue of Lupe Navarro’s brother’s death crept back into his mind, and Noah was forced to admit Grace had completely justified her response. He could remember, now, that shehadtried to express sympathy. And Noah had cut her off. Rudely.
The words in her email about losing a sibling being one of life’s most painful trials reminded him that she, too, had lost a sibling—a brother, if his own faulty memory could be trusted. Ryan had mentioned it before their date. So maybe she had faced some personal challenges.
The frequency with which she continued to encroach on his thoughts was disturbing. When she started showing up in his dreams, teasing him about his grumpiness or asking him to help her with her homework, he knew he had to do something.
After his dad had died, the therapist Mom had forced him to see had assigned Noah to write letters to his dad. It had cracked his dam of anger and resentment, eventually allowing him to process some of the hurt.
Maybe it would help to do the same with Grace.
