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“I’m afraid,” I whisper to the child. “I ran away from a bad place, leaving others behind. I promised to save them. Or maybe I just ran without saying a single thing. I don’t know. I’m unsure what the other girls will think when they see me. I’m why they’re now free. I got to the Sanctuary and found help. But I also moved on and built a life. Does that make me bad?”
Amelia doesn’t know the answers. She just reaches up and wipes the tear on my cheek.
“Mommy,” she says as if the one word will heal my pain.
It does a little, actually. Amelia loves me so much. She believes I’m good. I saved her from a junkie mom who neglected and abused her. I occasionally wonder about the child’s red, swollen genitals when I first cleaned her. Did she suffer like Ghost did because of his mom?
“No one can hurt you now,” I promise Amelia as she plays with my hair and sucks on her thumb. “Your daddy is big and strong. He will destroy anyone who tries to hurt his girls.”
I smile at the thought of Apex stretched out in bed. He will often get up with Amelia when she has a bad dream. Occasionally, he’ll feed Anna in the middle of the night as long as she’s in her carrier because he fears holding her.
“There’s too much pain,” I tell Amelia, feeling the bite of panic over seeing the other girls later today. “I know why Jules hides in her house. The world’s ugliness feels kept at bay. I want to hide today, too.”
Amelia pops her thumb free and says, “Mommy.”
My daughter doesn’t speak much, but she’s learning new words. She understands when others speak to her. Yet, her vocabulary is only ten words so far.
“We’re both healing,” I promise her as we share a smile. “We’re going to be different in a few years. Stronger and smarter. I know you’re going to be talking so much by then.”
Amelia sits up in my lap and smiles at me. She was so sad when we brought Anna home from the hospital. The baby monopolizes my lap, which is where Amelia always wants to be.
Now, the little girl has started realizing Apex’s lap is also good, and he’s usually right next to me. She’s adjusting to the new situation. I know she’s still jealous of Anna, but she also likes to help take care of her baby sister. I can imagine them being good friends one day.
As Amelia and I head downstairs to get a snack and wait for the sun to finish coming up, I wonder about the women I left behind. I don’t know if I was close to any of them. The pang of guilt overwhelms me.
We watch “Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood” until I hear Anna fussing. Apex is already in the nursery when we arrive. He wipes his sleepy eyes and stares down at the baby we made together.
My giant, sweet, complicated husband wants so much to hold our little girl. I see the way his hands flex as if desperate to touch her. But he sees himself as a monster, only good for violence. Those hands have hurt a lot of people, making them unworthy of touching an innocent baby.
Apex is wrong. His hands are so gentle with Amelia and me. But I don’t push him. Life has been too hard for us both. I don’t need my memories to be sure how I suffered. I feel it on my body and in the way I flinch even when I’m not under threat. A part of me knows I’m lucky to be alive.
And Apex suffered a lot on his way to finding me and our daughters. So, if he wants to wait to hold Anna, I won’t make him feel bad. He’s always patient with my hangups, so I’ll be patient with him, too.
Soon, our family is ready to walk to HQ for breakfast. Ghost’s group will arrive any moment. I feel panicky as we step into the crowded dining space. Eliza waves at me from where she sits with Penthouse. They’ve saved space for us.
As soon as we join them, Eliza hugs me and says, “You saved them.”
“No,” I mumble, tearing up as Amelia pats Eliza’s baby bump. “I forgot them.”
Eliza cups my face and watches me with her hazy green eyes. “If you hadn’t gotten to Metamora, I would still be in Primrose. And those people saved last night wouldn’t be free. That’s all you.”
“I’m still ashamed.”
Apex frowns at how I’m upset. He just wants to wrap me up in a protective bubble and never allow trouble to touch me. I want the same for him.
But Ghost, Luca, and the others are arriving soon. That’s why everyone is in HQ. People know we’re about to process a lot of castoffs. Some will be moved into town, others will remain at the Sanctuary. When there’s only one or two castoffs, they stay at a little house called the Stockade. That’s where I stayed after arriving at the Sanctuary. By the time Eliza arrived a few weeks later, I had already moved into Apex’s townhome.
“I don’t know where they’re gonna put everyone,” Penthouse mumbles and scoots his chair closer to Eliza like we’re under attack.
While she’s a brunette beauty with green eyes, a soft smile, and a long swanlike neck, Penthouse is a big, blond Viking. He always looks angry or pouting. I didn’t really know what to think when he started showing interest in my new friend. They didn’t make sense to me in the same way Apex and I don’t make sense to other people.
But I like how happy they are together. Eliza no longer worries about making mistakes and ruining her second chance. She understands how Penthouse belongs with her, and he won’t run away if she does something wrong.
I look at Apex next to me. Amelia sits in his lap, playing with his shoulder-length dark hair. He feeds her little bites of sausage while she lifts a piece of bacon toward his mouth. I grin like a fool at how sweet they are together.
Right now, life feels very simple and perfect. I have my family and friends together. We’re all happy and safe.
But the mood inside HQ shifts as soon as the RVs arrive in Metamora. A large number of bikers and their old ladies flow out of the building. Some head into town to help figure out where everyone is going. Others stay at the Sanctuary to organize supplies for the newcomers.
