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“That our boy here fucked up. And when I say fucked up, I mean he really fucked up. As in, he fucked my girl’s best friend after promising her all this bullshit, and then the very next day was making out with some chick right outside of the building where he knew she had class. And when I say next day, I mean she left his bed and within two hours was watching him shove his tongue down someone else’s throat. Does that about cover it, Arch? Or would you like to add more to the story?”
“You did what?” The way Higgins reacts, you’d think I’d personally offended him. But he barely knows Rory, so I don’t know why he’s acting that way.
“You guys act like she was my girlfriend and I cheated on her or something. We weren’t together.” It’s a lie. I know it and they know it.
Even if we weren’t official, I stood outside of that party with Rory and agreed not to see anyone else while we were figuring things out. Now granted, I did that because the thought of her with any other guy made me feel murderous, but that’s beside the fact. Then, hours after waking up with her in my bed, I had another girl in my arms. I’m not proud of it. In fact, I’ve been heavy with guilt ever since. But it had to be done.
I had to hurt her in a way that I knew she wouldn’t forgive. I needed her to hate me so that even if I came crawling back, she wouldn’t take me back.
I know that probably sounds crazy. Why would you do that to someone you love?
Well, that’s just it. When I woke up that morning, after what was quite possibly the best night of my life, and I looked down at her sleeping form curled into me so perfectly it was like she was made just for me, I realized the unthinkable—that I was in love with the girl. And I panicked—plain and simple.
It killed me to do it. Hell, I still feel it tearing at my gut as if it just happened minutes ago. But it isn’t just guilt and regret I feel. No, that would be too easy. I also feel hollow. Empty. Uncaring. I went out there and played the worst game of my career simply because I couldn’t bring myself to care. Not about my team. Not about the game. And certainly not about winning.
It all seems so pointless now.
Like how can something that has been my whole life for so long, just be diminished to nothing, just like that?
How can someone who’s been in my life only weeks, change it so irrevocably that I can’t see a way forward without her in it?
“You did her dirty, Arch.” Enzo shakes his head. “If you didn’t want to be with her, you should have just said so. But what you did, bro, that was on a whole other level.”
“I’ve never known you to play games. What’s going on, Arch?” Higgins stands at eye level with me, a hand on my shoulder.
“Nothing is going on.” I insist, fighting the tightness in my voice.
This feeling will fade.
This pain will fade.
This love will fade.
It’s the only thing that’s gotten me through this week—the reassurance that pain is temporary. That eventually Iwillget over her.
It’s for the best.
For her. For me.
She may not see it yet, but it is.
She has her dreams and I have mine. I just don’t see how we would ever be able to make it work. If anything, I did the right thing by ending it right away. The longer it had gone on, the harder it would have been for both of us.
I did the right thing...
But if that’s really true, then why does everything in my life suddenly feel so... wrong.
“I saw Rory that morning. You left her in our room. Why?”
“What do you mean why? I had shit to do.”
“Then why not wake her and ask her to leave?” he presses.
“What the fuck is it to you? Like you’re one to talk.” My anger flares. “Like any of you are.” I look at Tyler and Ryder and then finally at Enzo. “I did what I had to do,” I tell him, hoping he’ll see through what I’m trying to actually say.
“Difference here, Arch, we don’t throw games because of who sleeps in our beds,” Ryder interjects. “We don’t let it affect our performance on the field, and if we did, you’d be on us like flies on shit, telling us to figure it the fuck out. So I’m gonna say the same thing to you—figure it the fuck out. Because you’re not the only person who has a lot riding on this season. And I’ll be damned if I go down because your stupid ass fell in love and doesn’t know how to handle it.”
“I’m not... I didn’t...” But as much as I want to deny the allegation, I can’t force the words to come.
