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And yet…
It could be worse,a voice sing-songs, and I wince, knowing it to be true.
Hurt feelings are nothing in comparison to what Adam did to me, but still. Something about this just flat out stings in a way Adam’s betrayal never did.
Perhaps it’s the unknown of it all, the not having any closure.
Adam was a dick, yes.
But Nolan’s a ghost.
And I’m just here, burning and burning with no end in sight.
A door shuts, yanking me out of my thoughts. It’s Friday, so I’m back in group therapy—I go twice a week, on Wednesday and Friday afternoons—and while I recognize just about everyone else here, including Kevin who leads us, there’s one glaring absence.
Nolan.
While we don’t share Wednesday group, we do share Fridays. Or so I thought. We’re allowed to move our schedules around if need be, but they prefer us not to for this sort of thing.
They’re all about the routines here, I’ve learned. And from the short time I’ve been here, and the little observations I’ve collected, Nolan’s nothing if not a creature of habit.
Knowing what I know now about his background though, it makes sense. He veered off one time, and look what happened.
I suppose it’s an addict thing. Or rather, a recovery thing.
It might not seem like a big thing in the heat of the moment, but all those little detours eventually catch up. A new course is taken. It’s no longer safe, but since you’re so used to safe, you don’t see the danger, until it’s too late, thenBam!—life falls apart.
I might not know addiction, but I do know what it’s like to let your guard down and have the rug ripped out from under you.
Tucking my hands under my thighs, I squeeze my legs together, resisting the urge to fidget when Kevin starts speaking.
He’s really not coming.
It’s all the confirmation I need. Nolan’s well and truly avoiding me, even going so far as to put that ahead of his own needs. And if that isn’t just a kick to the gut. I don’t know if I’m more guilty or…well, annoyed.
My face bunches with a scowl and I stare blankly down at the vinyl flooring until the tiles blur. With each passing second that it sinks in how far he’s willing to go to ignore me, the more irritated I become. The more I feel myself spiraling.
Maybe he’s sick.
Yeah, and maybe Adam was just joking around. Maybe he was just trying to protect himself. Maybe he didn’t think his step-dad, Pastor Gabriel, would do what he did.
I squeeze my eyes shut and mentally shake away the thoughts.
Nolan isn’t Adam.
This is different.
This is…
This is…
“Skyler?”
Swallowing tightly, I open my eyes to look around the room, noticing everyone’s watching me. My pulse quickens, pounding heavily in my ears, and it feels like there’s ants crawling up my spine, spreading out over my entire body.
Shit.
“Are you okay? You look a little pale.”
