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“What doyouwantto do?” I asked.
“I’m not sure yet. Go back on another trip if I can get my partners to cover me. I don’t go more than twice a year, but I’m ready to go back sooner. What do you think?”
“I’m ready. I loved it, Flynn. You just say the word.”
“We have the weekend to think about it. I’ll talk to Ramsen. I owe it to him to be honest from the get-go.” He got up and paced. “The trips may not be enough. I might want to do it permanently.”
“You mean live there?”
“Yes, buy a house and put down roots.”
“Would I go with you?”
“Yes. As my wife.”
I tried to imagine what that would be like. We’d have our own home. We’d work together to make a life there. “How would we live, though?”
He didn’t get paid to operate; I didn’t get paid to work. Like Doctors Without Borders, the clinic ran on donations. If we moved there permanently, we’d have to find a way to finance it ourselves. My heart rate revved up. This was getting serious.
“I’m going to talk to my father. The Christmas Box is growing so fast, the taxes are astronomical. He might finance our work. I’ll talk to him this weekend, too.”
“This weekend is getting heavy. Your business partner and your father.”
I hoped he didn’t want me to be part of the conversation. I figured it wouldn’t put him out much to support me; I ate like a bird. I had to stifle laughter thinking of that while he was talking seriously about our future.
He sat down next to me and reached out for a hug. “The only thing I’m sure about is you.”
We lay down, side by side, and he kissed me. I tried to remember what meaning my life had had before Flynn. One day had been like any other. If I didn’t stay with him, if I chose to walk away from him and the uncertainty, well, it would be unthinkable. I couldn’t go back to that. I’d stay in limbo until he knew what the next step was.
“I love you,” I said, smoothing my hands over his face. “I’ll do whatever you decide. What you want to do will be a thousand times better than anything I could plan.”
“Well, that makes me the luckiest man on earth.”
“I’m happy to do whatever you decide, as long as I don’t have to talk to your posse.”
He barked out a laugh. “I’ll try to remember that.”
“My sister wants to see us Saturday night. That will bring us down to earth.” We kissed again, and then I remembered our dinner getting cold. “Let’s eat.”
He pulled me off the bed, and we went to the kitchen and our waiting pizza.
That night, I had a rare bout of insomnia. Long after Flynn had drifted off, gentle snoring assuring me he was sleeping, I lay in his bed, my hands folded across my belly, watching the occasional beams of car headlights sweep across the ceiling. For the first time since we’d come home, I thought about Lucy, and it made me sad. It was more about missing her than memories of her overpowering me.
She’d withdrawn from me, but it was more than that. Through some mental mind game, she’d made it impossible for me to feel her. I shuddered, disturbing Flynn, who stopped snoring and rolled over.
I quietly slid out of bed and left his bedroom. I went to the kitchen and turned on the flame under the teakettle. Maybe Sleepytime tea would help.
If we moved to Lebanon, I would be running away. But I realized that was okay. A change of scene had done me good; how much better would I do if it was permanent?
My parents remained a source of pain for me. The entire time I had been gone, they’d never reached out. I had stayed in touch, texting daily and calling them when I had a strong enough signal. There had been no initiation from them at any point. I had spoken with Flynn about it.
“Make sure you’re not looking for an excuse to place blame. Some parents are like that. They think they’re giving you the space you desire. I doubt very much they aren’t interested in you.”
What Flynn had said hit home. I could freely move to a foreign country. My parents had already set me free.
Saturday night during dinner with Margo and Rocko, we got out paper and pen and wrote down our concerns and plans. We covered everything, including finances, in case Flynn’s father decided not to back us. Talking about such an intimate topic bonded Flynn to my siblings. If we moved, I knew they’d support us, perhaps even visit us.
By the end of the night, we felt like we’d decided. Once Flynn’s contract ended with the practice, we were moving to Lebanon.
