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The guys look at me strangely as I play with my back to half of the audience, but there’s absolute silence behind me, and I know everyone is listening and watching. Jude plays the melody first and then Miki joins in at the piano. The melody that flows from his fingers is so perfect, in such harmony with the notes in my head, that I feel my eyes sting with tears. Still, I don’t lose sight of Eden for a second. Her face is blank, but she doesn’t break my gaze once either.
We’re locked.
Finally, the intro is coming to an end. Miki moves from the piano to his drums, and the notes he played linger in the air. I finally turn around, letting go of the microphone.
I start to sing and the stadium explodes with the lyrics ofHeartbreaker.
We sing it together, the fans and me, until we get to the chorus. And then, it’s time for me to ruin everything.
I’m surprised at myself: In front of a stadium bursting to the seams with people, I don’t even hesitate to do what I have to do. I don’t feel a second of panic. It barely takes any bravery on my part.
I just do it.
When it comes to the‘heartbreaker, heartbreaker’head-banging part before the chorus, I change the lyrics to:
I’m the heartbreaker.
It’s all me.
Has been from the start,
will be to the end.
Everyone—and I do mean everyone—was singing along with me, but most of them catch the change in the lyrics at once. They stop. They let me sing without making any noise.
They listen to me.
My voice, alone for the first time tonight, rises like a plume of smoke in the air, filling the space. I see people listening intently, thinking. No phones in the air. Some hands. Then a lot of hands. The stadium sparkles with lights.
And then, almost one by one, they start to sing. It’s nearly a religious experience. Their voices are gaining strength as I sing the song to her, only to her. When I go into the next verse, they start to sing along tentatively, waiting to see if I’ve changed anything else.
And then.
When the chorus comes in again.
They sing the new lyrics with me.
Tears sting my eyes as I scream the new words into the microphone. They heard me. They not only heard me, but they are repeating what I said back to me—they want me to know they heard me.
I’m the heartbreaker
I’m the heartbreaker
It’s all me.
Has been from the start,
will be to the end.
At some point, the crowd starts singing the new words with me, but I don’t even notice. I keep going until we’re at the ending notes, and then my ears explode with the sound of people cheering. I slump down, mic in hand, exhausted. Jude smiles at me and we let the crowd clap it out.
When I launch into the bridge again, the crowd sings with me, but they’re not yelling the lyrics this time. This singing is conscious and soulful. Many people are crying, singing with their eyes closed. Eden is in the middle of a crowd that’s dancing and singing, but she is standing absolutely still. Twin streams of tears are pouring down her cheeks.
My voice stops, pain clogging my throat.
The crowd picks up where I left off and finishes the verse for me. I let them.
It starts to rain more heavily, with no signs of slowing down, and I fight to stay upright. I have to keep singing. I have to keep trying. Rain splatters on my hair and gets inside my lips as I fight for her.
