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Fight for my life.
Beg for it.
…
When the song is done, I’m spent. I go backstage to collect myself and change my outfit and makeup.
It’s not over yet. In fact, it’s only starting now.
You got this, I tell myself in the mirror.And if you don’t got this, then find the strength to do it. You need to fight now. It might be your last chance.
The minute I’m back on that stage, I look down. Eden is still here. I discover I’m surprised: I thought she might have left. But no, she is still here. After everything I’ve done to her, she is still here. Waiting for me.
‘I came here for you.’
This girl, I swear. Is this what true forgiveness looks like? Forgiveness when I didn’t even ask for it? When I certainly did not deserve it? Before I even knew I needed to be forgiven, she had forgiven me. Is this what grace looks like?
Is she real?
Slim legs, flames in her hair, pale face, huge, golden eyes. She’s wearing a navy blue dress that makes her waist look tiny and hugs her in all the right places. It’s her. The new her. A wave of emotions hits me so hard I lose my balance. It’s remorse and fierce protectiveness and anger all at once. The wave is so intense it pulls me under and I don’t know if I’ll ever breathe again.
Miki drops his drumsticks with a clang and rushes to hold me up. I’m sure the audience thinks I’m drunk or on drugs, but I don’t care. Miki drags me to the side, where I’m invisible to the crowd, concern etched on his thin face.
“What’s wrong?” Jude looks ready to drop the bass and follow too, his eyes glued to mine.
The emotions still have me in their vise-like grip and I’m choking for breath. My legs can barely hold me up and I’m beginning to see stars.I can’t deal with this. It’s too much, all at once, and I can’t. How did she do it?
And then I think of the one thing that can calm me down right now: her music. The tune that’s been in my head for weeks, the one that’s been haunting me since the moment I saw her on the ship. The song I sang to her while she slept in my arms.
That song is her. Calm in the storm, steady and reliable. Brave. Strong. All that’s left after the tornado of pain is over. The one constant of my life in the middle of the tsunami. And even though what I learned last night might be the greatest wave of them all, I think I know how to ride it. With her looking at me from across a stupid arrow-shaped stage, seventy thousand pairs of eyes following my every move.
But she is all I can see. No one else exists but her.
I love her, I realize. It’s as simple as that.
I thought it was hate, or maybe I wanted it to be hate, because that would be easier to deal with. I thought it was bitterness, brokenness, and I wasted four freaking years chasing the darkness instead of the light, when I could have loved her. I could have loved her for four years. Even without any hope of ever getting her back.
But even without hope, I could have loved her. I could have loved her all by myself. Would it have changed anything? Yes, it would. It would have changed me, for one thing. And the love might somehow have found its way to her, it might have helped her, made her stronger while she was fighting for her life.
I could have loved you, I think at her, unshed tears scorching my eyes.I could have just kept on loving you. I could have not given up.I breathe deeply, trying to stop the tears from coming out.
Man, I love you,I think at her.
She immediately goes white in the face.
Everyone starts screaming and jumping up and down, whipping out their phones so quickly it’s like thunder split into thousands of tiny lights, all directed at me.
I’m caught like a deer in the headlights.
What’s happening? What—Wait.
Oh no. I’m such an idiot.
“Wait, did I say that out loud?” I say into the microphone. “Did I really?”
They scream that yes, yes I did.
Eden is looking straight up at me, holding my gaze steadily, even though her face is drained of color. I smile sheepishly as the fans whoop and laugh at me, then I cut my eyes to hers again. She’s not smiling back. She is absolutely frozen in place.
