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Faith: Let’s stop talking about that, it’s making me depressed.
Faith: Didn’t you say you would come over? Things are happening on the live videos from the concert.
Manuela: Baby woke up.
Faith: Bring him too, for chrissakes.
Faith: This is better than a movie.
Manuela: But it’s not though, is it? It’s real life.
Faith: I hate that.
Manuela: Why?
Faith: Because real life sucks.
Manuela: Ugh, it does. Especially if you’re Eden.
Manuela: I’m still hopeful they will look up for her, though.
Faith: How unlike you, Manu.
Faith: Ok, you need to get your behind over here ASAP, because it looks like our sister is literally walking on to the stage right now. You know, theHeartbreakerstage. With Issy Woo. She’s on there, next to him.
Manuela: SHE WHAT
forty-one
“It’s always the rain with us two.” I murmur. “Why does everything have to happen while it’s raining? As if it wasn’t already hard enough. Is someone writing our story or something?”
“Whoever it is,” Eden says, “they are not doing a very good job of it.”
I don’t get what she is talking about at first. My mind is consumed by the need to hold her and kiss her and make everything that ever hurt her go away. But I know that if I start kissing her, I won’t be able to stop. I won’t be able to let her go.
But why would she want me? She’s been through hell itself, and I… I have been a complete and utter ass. I have not been there for her, I have spent this whole time hating her and refusing to forgive her.
Now I am the one who needs to be forgiven, for so much. So much.
And I know one thing for sure:
I don’t deserve it. I don’t even know how to go about asking for forgiveness, begging for it, groveling.
Because deep down, I know I’m not worthy of it.
I always used to say, in the years after I got my heart broken and my life was completely derailed, that not everything can be forgiven. Not everything deserves to, and besides, there are some things just too big, too horrible, too irreversible to be forgiven. I had embraced my bitterness, worn it around me like a tight-fitting jacket, and I had fallen in love with it even more than I ever fell in love with music, with myself. Or with Eden.
And now?
Now I am that thing.
That thing that is too horrible, too irreversible to forgive.
The things that I did, abandoning her, hating her, acting like a jerk to her while she was here… Spencer was more than right to yell at me; I wonder why he didn’t get over here and kick my ass to kingdom come.
I am beyond forgiveness. Whatever is broken between us, I broke it.
I have struggled with forgiveness, resisted it my whole life.
