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No, that’s impossible.
“This is becoming a pattern,” I murmur. I’ve well and truly lost my mind, haven’t I? “It needs to stop. Now.”
I’d lie, I’d do anything right now in order for her not to find out how much she is affecting me. How much she is destroying my self-control just by breathing next to me. I drop into the water and swim away from her, putting some much-needed space between us. She just stands there, in waist-deep water, swaying, her eyes dilated, her gaze disoriented, her cheeks aflame.
Where is everyone? Save me, dammit.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs to herself.
She starts to leave again, but she keeps stumbling. Her shoulders are drooping and her movements sluggish, as if it’s hard for her to concentrate. To stay upright. It takes everything within me not to rush over and lift her in my arms and never let her go. But instead, I float on my back in the warm pool and watch her fall apart.
Good, I tell myself,this is what I want. Good, this is good.
It definitely does not make me a monster or anything.
Not a moment too soon, Lou and her friends descend upon us, quickly followed by Miki, Skye, Jude and other musicians. Shrieks ensue, and then suddenly, there’s music and booze, and the girls sitting on the lounge chairs, wrinkling their noses at the pool, covered in velour sweats from head to toe. I lose sight of Eden in the chaos. Then Dimitris and Yiannis are finally here. The rain has completely stopped.
The Greeks have changed into the swimming gear I asked my staff to provide for them, and the party really gets started. I get distracted by talking songs and music with Dimitris and Yiannis, but I find Eden and keep an eye on her. She seems warm and comfortable, even though she always keeps to the part of the pool that’s the farthest from me.
Good.
Skye comes over and sits at the edge of the pool, dangling his legs in, but he doesn’t come into the water all the way. Eden and he speak in a low voice for the better part of thirty minutes. I am burning with curiosity to know what they’re talking about. Me? My block?
I am not jealous. I can’t be. I am not jealous.
Yeah, keep lying to yourself.
…
Two hours later, the girls are so drunk they’re debating getting into the pool, and Dimitris and Yiannis reluctantly get up to go home. Dimitris and I have been talking incessantly all this time, and I feel like I’ve known him for years. He told me he struggled with addiction too, and that bonded us quickly. Skye has gone to bed.
Eden has been getting in and out of the water all night to play with Lou’s dog, driving me crazy. My skin is too tight and all my senses are heightened. I can barely keep a straight thought in my head. I suddenly find her in front of me, and the words just blurt themselves out.
“Scared ten years clean off my life, when you jumped in like that at the waterfall.”
Her head whips around as she floats in the water. She’s looking to see who I’m talking to. She can’t imagine it’s her.
“Don’t ever do that again,” I add.
All night, her long hair has been curling into dark, wet ropes around her, dangling like a necklace down her throat and spreading out under the water. I’ve seen I’ve watched it mesmerized as I haven’t watched any of the other, nameless girls that have come in and out of my life these past four years. They didn’t manage to keep my interest above a second or so. But watching Eden relax into the warm water and arching her neck, inhaling deeply, as if her whole body is aching…
It drives me crazy. Actually insane.
Maybe that explains why I’m approaching her again.
“Sorry,” she murmurs. “Extenuating circumstances.”
“I know,” I reply. “Pooh.”
“Wait, that’s the name of the dog? For real?”
“Yeah.”
She turns her smile on me, full on, white teeth, dimpled cheeks, and I might never recover. I haven’t seen that smile in years. I’d die for that smile.
“Your girlfriend’s dog, right?” she adds. And just like that, the bitterness descends down on me.
The darkness comes back. I hate everything. Her, Lou, this boat, this life. Myself, most of all. I start to deny it, but what’s the point? It’s not like I’m available anyway. Not to her, at least.
