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Kohen
I wrap my arms around her gently as she sobs into my chest, pulling her into me so that there isn't any space between our bodies. I shouldn’t still be here, but I can’t help it. I love this crazy girl with every fucking bone in my body. She is my other half, the missing puzzle piece that makes me feel complete. Before her, something was always missing in my life. Sure, I’m on the fast track to compete at the Olympics, I have it easy because I come from money. But those things don’t make life better, not like she does.
Her mere existence in this world matters, and before me, no one showed her that was true. I breathe her in again, filling my lungs. Her lavender shampoo overloads my senses, making me dizzy. The energy between us is so palpable that I want to kiss her. I would die for her, and that’s why I have to walk away. She has to learn to love herself and let go of all the pain and trauma to allow herself to be loved. The choices she makes every time something seems off to her is proof she needs help.
As if sensing that I want a kiss, she looks up at me through her lashes, black mascara running down her cheeks. My heart breaks for her. I told her I would never walk away, never leave like everyone else that left her. The difference between me and them is that I’m not leaving because she’s too much, or because I don’t want her.
I’m leaving because I love her too fucking much.
I have tried to show her in every possible way that it doesn’t matter how broken she thinks she is. I want her but the shards of glass from her broken heart pierce mine. Through every obstacle we have overcome and every moment we spent tangled up in each other, she cuts me. Some pieces are small and insignificant, they can be removed and bandaged up. The other pieces, though…the big sharp ones that she throws at me like daggers cut deep. Those are the ones that hurt me, and when I pull them from my flesh to repair the man staring back at me, he’s a little emptier in the eyes each time.
I would gladly let her have every ounce of my soul if I thought it was healing her and bringing her out of the dark corners of her mind, but I can’t fix her. She has to want to fix herself. I kiss her gently and pulling her away from my body feels like I’m tearing half of my soul apart.
I back up and she advances towards me again, knowing her touch will pull me back in, but I hold up a hand to stop her, and pinch the bridge of my nose. I take one last look at her, the toxic girl I fell in love with as I turn to walk away.
41
ALEX
The silence is loud. Not having Kohen here is killing me. Not having the safety of his arms around me. Holding me. I promised myself I would never let a man make me feel empty and alone again. It isn’t his fault, though, is it? It’s mine. I play these fucking games and I never win. Does anyone actually ever win? I pull my phone out of my pocket and open up the text thread. I start to type but I can’t bring myself to hit send.
Me: I miss you
I began to delete the words when I see the three little bubbles pop up in the bottom left corner. He’s typing!
My heart races and my stomach turns. I begin to shake. The bubbles stop. So I muster up all the courage I have and hit send. The bubbles begin again. My heart leaps at the words.
Kohen: I miss you too, Angel. So much.
I immediately type out the words ‘come over’and as if he knew what I was going to send, he texts.
Kohen: please don’t say come over, because if you do I will. I don’t have much more willpower to stay away Alex.
He called me Alex. My eyes fill with tears.
Kohen: we still very much need this break. I love you, that’s clear, but I need you to learn to love yourself.
I began to type and again he reads my mind.
Kohen: you don’t love yourself enough to let me love you. I miss you Alex but just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay.
I stare at the screen as tears roll down my cheeks. I lean forward and hug my abdomen, feeling sick to my stomach, empty, and unworthy. The phone pings again.
Kohen: remember, beautiful girls don’t cry, Angel. I love you.
It’s too late. I’m already crying. I hate this fucking feeling. It’s indescribable. It’s an ache inside that feels like it radiates to the deepest parts of my soul. I’m too broken to love. How do I come back from here?
Me: I'm sorry I'm not the girl of your dreams. I'm sorry I'm fucking broken. What do you want from me? Huh? Tell me because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing!
No response. Guess I’m just not worth it. I double over, clutching my abdomen. The heartache is just too much.
EPILOGUE
ALEX
He is the sun, and I am the earth, and one can’t exist without the other. -Alex
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