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The waves hit me over and over, the pain crashing into me like bricks. The black cloud is heavy, and I feel so numb inside. I never felt love before this. I thought I had but I was wrong. I swore I would never let myself get involved with anyone like this after Walker. My first heartbreak.
This is deeper, though. The cuts run so fucking deep. I don’t see how they could heal because it seems impossible. The scars from this love will be ugly and the torn flesh in my heart will never repair fully.
I take another drink of wine from my cup. I don’t know how many bottles I have finished at this point. Cora went out of town with Edward. I had to make her think I was fine. She was worried since Kohen sent me roses. I stare at the place where the vase sits on the table. There is a note sitting next to it I haven’t had the courage to read. I pretended it didn’t affect me. I smiled and hugged her and acted it out perfectly so she would go on her trip. It worked, and now I get to wallow in self-pity.
The truth is I'm empty. It’s dark in this hollow shell. Love was never meant to touch me and when it did, I warped it into toxicity. Of course, he doesn’t want me.
“Learn to love yourself”, he said.
What the fuck does that even mean?
I’m pissed. Hurt. Hopeless.
He fucking left, he left when he said he never would. Fuck him. I hate him, he’s nothing to me.
That’s a lie,the little angel on my shoulder whispers.He is everything.
But he doesn’t love me anymore,I whisper back
The worst part is when he left, he took every ounce of light with him. Reducing me to nothing.
More waves. They roll and roll over my body and I welcome them. Deserve them.
Pain, crash.
Heartache, crash.
Damaged, crash.
My mom was right. No man would love me if my own father couldn't. No one would stay if he didn’t. The man wired to love me left me before I could even learn his name. My phone goes off and I see Crystal’s name.
I ignore it. She can’t make me smile. Only one person can make me smile. I sob into my blanket. The empty ache of loss punches me in the gut.
I thought I wanted love, but that was a mistake. It’s a blessing and a curse. It destroys. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
The highs, the lows. It's good when it's good but when it’s bad, it’s disgusting.
I can hear the words he told me to comfort me.
“Beautiful girls don’t cry, Angel.”
“You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen.”
“You aren’t so broken that you can’t be made into something new with every fragment perfectly placed. We can fit our pieces together because you aren't so far gone that you don't deserve love.”
“You can close your eyes, Angel. You can rest. I’ll always be right here”
Lies. All of it.
He didn’t mean a fucking word he said. I know I’m hard to love. An all-consuming black hole of trauma, but damn if I didn’t love him back the best way I could. The best way I knew how. No one showed me how to love. I’m fire and he was my gasoline- he lit me up in the best ways but it became too much. Our love was incinerated. It’s all my fault.
I pick up my phone, drunk dialing his number without thinking, and instantly regret it because he answers immediately. Only it’s not him.
“Hello,” a sweet voice greets my ears.
The joy in her voice pierces me.
“Kohen, your phone was ringing.”
